I honestly don’t know what the thing floating in my birdbath is, but it reminds me of meatloaf.

Specifically, it reminds me of the special meatloaf pan I bought, with the little rack inside so the drippings drain off, like that’s supposed to be a good idea. It’s meatloaf, not health food. Just let the juices jell up around it like an American. Yes, it’ll gag a vegan, but they aren’t going to be any happier about your slightly less fatty meatloaf. And the point is, that pan is a total bitch to clean.

Which is why this floating thing reminds me of it.

Seems like every few days I need to clean out the rat repository. Oh, it seemed like a good idea when I bought it. They marketed it as a “birdbath.” But the only thing birds are doing with it is dropping in dead rats. I assume that’s how they get in there, unless the local rat population is doing a Jonestown number all on its own. Certainly the crows enjoy taking everything on their menu—and damn near anything could be on their menu—and disgustinating the birdbath with it. Rats seem too heavy for crows to lift but maybe they aren’t before they get soggy.

Anyway I know for sure the first two were rats, but this new one might actually be a meatloaf. “Mammal” is as far as I’ve definitively gotten. It no longer has a front end, and no exhaust system either. All we have is a moist chassis. I have been poking it with a very long stick and there is no tail in evidence.

I am somewhat familiar with corvid cuisine. Your basic crow will happily choose one from columns A, B, and C, and then head on over to the Cyrillic alphabet for more. They’ll eat any old thing. Some things are good, like Dave’s leftover sandwich. But all in all they are blechivores. And all of it ends up in the Rat Rinsing Station.

But even crows do not, I believe, tend to start things off by eating the head and the tail. There’s probably a specialized rat tail maggot that goes to town on such things. What eats the crunchy head and rubbery tail and leaves the chewy middle? Perhaps, one wonders, this thing never had much of a tail. Perhaps it is not a rat. Perhaps it is a juvenile capybara.

Sure, plenty of people will confidently rule out capybara, due to their scarcity in the urban Pacific Northwest. But I have a well-developed sense of both hyperbole and hysteria and baby capybara stays in the running until someone proves otherwise.

But Murr. Capybaras are good swimmers. They have slightly webbed toes. That, there, looks like a rat foot.

Sure. They’re very good swimmers. This one clearly was not. This one was dead in a birdbath. Blame the toes, if you will.

Now comes the news that three capybaras—Doubao, Bazong, and Duoduo—have escaped from the Zhuyuwan Scenic Area in Yangzhou City, China. I have heard a lot of people can’t find their own Bazong with two hands, but he and Duoduo have been recovered. Doubao remains at large. I believe we have found our carcass source.

That’s ridiculous. That wayward capybara was in China.

Sure. And they’re supposed to be in South America. You already mentioned they’re good swimmers. Don’t tell me they can’t get around.

But Doubao is an adult capybara. This thing in your birdbath is eight inches, tops.

Anchor baby. Bank on it.