I walked downtown by myself, looking for a riot. I wouldn’t be alone for long. After all, two may be company, but forty thousand is a crowd. And they’re my people. We’re the terrorist wing of the Democratic Party!

Nobody comes out for a march like this if they don’t hate America. They’d be home, all happy and shit. Not us. We hate so very, very much. We hate every single thing Trump and his masters are doing. Ukraine to Gaza to Greenland to Canada to coal country to Harvard to the United Nations to Argentina to the burning, war-ravaged hellhole of our own city. We hate it all so much.

So our signs, designed by the merch division of Antifa Inc® to look homemade, reflect all of these things. But here in Portland, much of our large collective snit is focused on ICE. Hang on—

[unfolds laminated accordion-pleated talking-points memo from George Soros; a notice at top reminds us to use our own words]

Our friends and neighbors are being abducted off the streets, zip-tied, and disappeared at the hands of armed, masked goons. They’ve been torn away from their families, detained for days or months, and in some cases exiled to countries they’ve never been to, on suspicion of being undocumented—a suspicion the state has never bothered to substantiate in court. And whereas the regime initially portrayed this mass deportation as an effort to rid the country of hardened criminals and drug dealers who enter illegally and steal benefits from American taxpayers, the raids are being carried out in workplaces, churches, schools, and courtrooms where immigrants are legally seeking asylum. As reported in The Oregonian, “ICE officers have changed their strategy recently…with more officers showing up at stores, other businesses and public spaces where they expect to find people of color.” Which is the real point, because the regime believes our nation’s sacred whiteness is being unacceptably diluted.

Now thousands of our neighbors live in fear, their children stay home from school, and they retreat from the public square—whether they are citizens or not. This entire enterprise fits every definition of state-sponsored terrorism, scarcely different from the Nazi pogroms or the Jim Crow laws of the southern United States. We have merely substituted unmarked white vans for cattle cars.

We hate that a lot.

[Re-folds Soros talking-points memo but somehow cannot stop talking]

And we also hate that the president of the United States murders people in suspected drug boats, displacing that sissified interception, evidence-gathering, due-process routine we used to have. And we also hate that people are detained and deported to torture-prisons for speaking out about Palestine. And we also want our solar energy funds back. And. And. Oh lordy, how we hate.

I was warned about all the radical left Marxists bent on mayhem, but in my experience the only real danger in a crowd like this is chafing. That has been minimized this time around by the proliferation of inflatable costumes. Being jostled by a giant axolotl softens the impact one might ordinarily have with a terrorist wielding a poster on a sharp stick. At any rate, if you hate America as much as we do, you’re not going to be put off by a little polyester abrasion.

It was big. We gathered near the battleship on the waterfront and were instructed to move toward the street for the march, and so most of us turned in the direction of the street and stood there for almost a half hour. I did not know if the march had started or not. From my angle, it was all armpits and nostril hair. Occasionally I asked a taller person to periscope for me but nobody seemed to know if things were moving. It was like being one more corpuscle in a growing aneurysm and there was no knowing when it would burst.

But eventually we filled a couple miles of streets and bridges with a terrifying mass of far-left unicorns and chickens and frogs and we drummed and trumpeted and shouted and laughed like seven million other Americans were doing all across the country, during which no protest-related arrests were reported.

Which is truly hateful of us, because one thing the regime is counting on is our well-known propensity for violence, so the president can sic his military on us just like the big-boy dictators do.

Thwarted by unrepentant pacifists, the regime staged a fake riot at our local ICE facility. Federal agents directed protestors to retreat a few blocks. The protestors peacefully complied. And then the agents charged toward them lobbing tear gas and flash-bangs simulating gunfire while a rank of videographers already installed behind the troops shot footage of the protestors running from the gas.

Earlier, an agent had confronted a frog and shot pepper spray up his vent. Honestly, I never thought I would have to type those words. Unfortunately for the regime, the frog was not deterred from standing around peacefully, the video clip went viral, and by some miracle of divine meiosis the procedure resulted in the creation of thousands of new frogs, all around the world.

Terrifying.

They’ll get the riot they want soon enough, though, when all seven million of us far-left radical terrorists realize we’re not getting our checks from George Soros after all.