A San Francisco-area Victoria’s Secret shop was relieved of merchandise in a brazen bra heist last March. The perpetrators did not remain at extra-large for long, but were apprehended by police in short order. There was a pair of them, as one might expect, but they did not stage a hold-up. Instead, one of the thieves distracted the sales clerk while the other stuffed bras into a backpack. The strategy was Lift, then Separate. The bust came soon after, thanks to an informant wearing an underwire.

It was probably only a matter of time before someone recognized the potential for monetary gain in a bit of cloth that costs sixty dollars but can be wadded into an Altoids tin. Times are tight, our investments are plunging, and many people are really strapped. It’s easy to imagine these bras could be worth a small fortune on the black market, although the pink lace market is also robust.

Victoria’s Secret is indeed named after the famous Queen Victoria. To this day she is known for her voluminous drawers, which were distributed to delighted members of her Royal Household upon her death in 1901. Some were employed as shade canopies for picnics and others have made their way to museums and private collections the world over. From the photographs, I deduce that the Queen’s underwear remained a pretty good secret during her lifetime.

At any rate, no one knows if the plan was to fence the brassieres or just give them a little boning. Taking a page from any other smuggling activity, it’s possible the items may have initially been cached on the person of the perpetrator, who would quickly have learned that wearing 26 bras at once is not a good way for a man to escape attention, even in California.

But we can’t rule out that he then discovered he liked it. And that goes double for any panties he might have snatched at the same time. He might also have tried hiding the items in a bodily orifice, which is where thong underwear ends up anyway. It doesn’t matter to Victoria’s Secret whether the purloined items were destined for profit or for personal use, of course. “We wish him the best of luck trying to sell them,” a spokesperson for the company said. “Anyone can look at our panties and tell they’re hot.”

Criminal experts are unclear if there is much demand for genuine Victoria’s Secret brassieres, noting there’s already a thriving business in knockoffs, since so many California knockers are themselves knockoffs.

And it’s also possible that the deed was done by a disgruntled customer who spent good money on a tight push-up number and thought: If they’re going to pinch me, I’ll just pinch them right back.

In any case, the beleaguered store clerk was finally able to get closure. Front-closure, with a little bow.

h/t Jeremy Cantor