There’s a superb research facility in Colorado dedicated to advancing our understanding of weather and climate. The National Center for Atmospheric Research, established in 1960, includes a lab and a supercomputer and its own fancy airplanes and stuff and is responsible for many of our advances in the field. The supercomputer is able to make sophisticated models of climate and ocean patterns and forecast weather events and disasters. Which could conceivably be important some day.

So it’s on the chopping block. The Trump Administration has been trying to dismantle this grotesque behemoth of learning for a while now, reasoning, perhaps, that if it was busted up and its parts scattered to various universities and privat ve outfits it could do a more coordinated job of understanding climate and predicting whatever some egghead thinks needs to be predicted.

One great reason to bust up the research center is to sell off the cool parts to private interests that might be able to make buckets of money off it, and not keep it in socialist hands where it might benefit people without the balls or trust funds to get central air, or a good raincoat. There’s no point in having a fancy-ass computer if a few billionaires can’t wring a little more money out of it.

But there are other reasons this research center needs to be shut down. For one thing, it is in Colorado, which has a Democratic governor. Right there, it means he’s a ringleader of a set of lapsed citizens—your Democratic voters—who have now been revealed to be traitors engaged in domestic terrorism, and are subject to arrest. Worse, that governor has openly squabbled with Trump because he won’t pardon a Republican election-denier imprisoned for felony election interference on Trump’s behalf in Colorado. I don’t want to atmospheric-river on anyone’s parade, but Colorado is this close to an ICE invasion and revocation of childcare and social services funding.

However, the more important consideration for ripping up the Center is what Russell Vought, the idea man also responsible for keeping Donald Trump medically viable for a few more useful years, has maintained: it “is one of the largest sources of climate alarmism in the country.”

Thank god we have grownups in charge.

Because he’s right: alarmism is the enemy. It’s well documented that scores more Brits were fatally startled by air raid sirens than were blown up by the Blitzkrieg. Fear is a terrible, terrible feeling. I hate it. I don’t want a warning. It’s better to just be chomped by the tiger and get it over with than worry about it. Someone could bust into my house in the middle of the night but these days I’ll just figure my kittens have knocked over a major piece of furniture, and I can go right back to sleep.

In fact, it was a great American who once said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself! At the time he said it, a lot of people were afraid of polio, but thanks to our current strong leadership in the Department of Health and Human Services, we no longer need to fear communicable diseases. We can stand tall as Americans in the face of contagion because we have faith in God and also we have bleach.

We really don’t need a lot of climate alarmists warning people to evacuate in advance of a hurricane hoax, or getting people all riled up about wildfire, which has always existed, and after all, sadly, there is likely to be more death, and we should learn to expect casualties. Plus, anyone who gets caught in a trailer park in Tornado Alley is a sucker and loser.

The Center’s supercomputer is called the Derecho, after a Spanish word for a powerful straight wind capable of demolishing everything in its path, and yet it was unable to anticipate the immense amount of wind emanating from the Trump administration and destroying every good thing the nation has ever come up with. So we might as well send the fancy-ass machine to the University of Wyoming, home of one personal senator for every 300,000 voting citizens. They can be counted on to sideline that terrorist motherfucker toot sweet.

Confronted by concerned scientists, Attorney General Pam Bondi consulted a binder and said they were all known to have decapitated beetles as children, and openly wondered where they were thirty years ago when Al Gore was going on and on about the global warming hoax while traveling the world in a carbon-spewing jet?

In televised remarks, the President of the United States called the governor of Colorado a pathetic, weak scumbag. “A doodoo-head,” he elucidated. “I’d like to punch him in the face,” he added, raising a tiny, bruised fist.