The Florida High School Athletic Association was all set to require female athletes to complete a questionnaire about their menstrual histories in order to compete. It was never entirely clear what the purpose of this program was but it is Florida, which as a state is in the vanguard of the important fight to keep transgender girls and women from competing athletically, or demonstrating their existence in any other way. Also, Florida is highly concerned about its stock of fetal future athletes, and a mandatory multi-purpose Menstrual History, it is felt, is an efficient way to clobber two birds with one brick.
Governor Ron DeSantis is proposing to lower the legal abortion limit from the current 15 weeks’ gestation to six weeks, and hopes soon to prohibit abortions from the point at which an erect penis comes within six feet of a female. This has resulted in an unfortunate drop in women using public transportation, and as it stands now, any Florida resident interested in an abortion will have to obtain it before her first sexual encounter. With proper coordination between the State and the Athletic Association it should be possible to detain and prosecute any girl reporting a gap of three months between periods.
Once the news leaked out, there was a backlash to the menstrual history questionnaire, though, especially since these records are now being kept online, and many girls and women are concerned about their “privacy,” because they are emotional creatures.
I see no problem with it though. With a few small tweaks any such concerns should be overcome. First, to build trust, every man requesting a menstrual history should be required to fill out his own form including items such as date of his first chubby; his first circle jerk, including a roster of other participants, and the winning time; and, in the essay portion, a synopsis of his most reliable go-to fantasy.
Secondly, since questions such as “date of last period” are liable to lead to unreliable data, as memories are not always up to the task, the athletes should instead be provided with free prepaid postal envelopes in which to send one used feminine hygiene product per cycle to the governor. If he doesn’t like it, he can use taxpayer funds to fly them to Martha’s Vineyard.
I’ve never had to complete a medical questionnaire for school activities, but it would never have prevented me from athletics. What did prevent me from athletics was my inability to run, jump, swim, or balance on one foot, and the fact that nobody stands behind me in horseshoes. But it’s nice to have someone take such a personal interest, and so of my own volition I provide the following History:
Spring, 1966. There had been ominous rumblings of discontent in the territories for months before the initial attack. Fortunately the skirmish was quickly quelled using a primitive makeshift apparatus, and while the greatest minds at Kimberley-Clark strategized about improvements to the response system, the first Battle of the Bulge was considered won, and peace returned to the kingdom.
1966-1968. But it was not to last. The enemy reverted to guerrilla tactics, effectively using the element of surprise. Defensive measures continued to be inadequate and difficult to operate in battle conditions, with undisciplined conscripts frequently retreating to positions of safety that left the battle zone unguarded, but the state of technology advanced sharply with the introduction of the Tactical Adhesive Strip. The homeland was encouraged but there was still no getting in front of future assaults, which continued to erupt when they were least expected.
1970-2004. Home territory has now gone full Afghanistan, an endless cycle of ambush and bloodshed. A sustained campaign of attacks leaves heavy casualties among the privates in the underpants drawer and even the elite pantaloon platoon suffers regular losses.
2005. State of siege more or less constant; the enemy has great success storming the bitches until a complete surrender and cease-fire is negotiated. Ultimately, the enemy loses interest, its conquered territory having lost all value as a woman, and it was expected the vanquished victim would quietly and considerately go off to die, but instead it was rather tickled with events, and carries on still.
That was certainly an interesting take on your own war-torn menstrual cycle, vagina, things down there! At the same time, I’m left feeling fearful of things to come and a bit juvenile for laughing at my own history, rather the reporting of. (Let’s put that urban myth of circle jerks to bed, I suspect the majority of boys have never done that, myself included)! Still, it would seem that Florida is becoming a real Nazi state in the 21st century, wouldn’t it be simpler to just get non-menstrating females to wear yellow stars?
I can’t wear YELLOW! I have cool-toned coloring, and yellow makes me look sallow!
DeSantis scares the fuck outta me, even more than Trump. Not just the menstrual thing, but the Disney thing, the “don’t say gay” thing, and the far right in Florida also want to pass a bill that prohibits bloggers from writing about anyone in the legislature unless they register their blog and who pays them to have the blog. There is a hefty fine if you have a paid blog and don’t register it. It’s like, the second amendment? yeah, no one needs to register for something that can fucking KILL people! But a blog? First amendment rights? Oh, nonono…. we can’t have any of that!
We are now living in a dystopian society that is like a bastard produced by The Handmaid’s Tale and 1984.
I’m holding out for a Gold Star, myself. And I guarantee nobody is paying me to put out this blog. I can prove it.
Another thing that scares me about DeSantis is that he has said that he wants to make all of America like Florida. Just. Kill. Me. Now.
I think some of use who don’t have periods anymore ought to get a period app, lie about our age, lie about having and not having periods and really mess with their minds.
DeSantis wants to limit the free speech of bloggers in Florida as well. Narcissistic, fascist, dictator wannabe comes to mind when I think of him.
How can I get my blog in his inbox?
I hadn’t considered all the implications of reporting menstrual cycles beyond a gross invasion of privacy. Is this a proposed bill, an actual bill or a law?
I can think of some problems beyond the invasion of privacy. If they’re keeping tabs in hopes of finding out when a girl is pregnant and so starting the calendar on when she would be legally allowed to have an abortion, are they considering that an interruption might be indicative of something other than pregnancy or use of birth control?
I don’t recall now if I was asked the question in high school or college, but suspect the latter. I also forget what led to the question being asked, but a female classmate asked me if I had any children. I said no. She replied how I knew that. Easy, I said, I’ve never had sex. The answer was so outrageous that she didn’t question whether or not I was lying.
I love that story. I usually love your stories.
That’s what I thought when I heard that. Although they are targeting young women who are going into athletics, so they are maybe focusing on whether someone is trans or not. But it’s only a matter of time before they have other reasons. It’s bad enough these asshats took away a woman’s right to choose, now they want to invade her body further by keeping tabs on her menstrual cycle? How long before having kids is mandatory?
Hmm. I had a couple babies but they were really, really, really, really small.
One of my two adult daughters fairly regularly contributes to Planned Parenthood in De Santis’s name, the other one just wants to kneecap the bastard.
Beyond having two great daughters and a wife that kept me in line, I feel quite unqualified to comment on women’s reproductive issues, other than it’s their business and nobody else’s.
Gotta aim higher than the kneecap!
He is terrifying. I never thought I’d say Trump would be better but here we are. Trump isn’t focused enough to do as much real harm as DeSantis, who apparently is some kind of true believer. Trump is just a complete narcissist and easy to distract from any organized campaign against freedom.
I’m keeping track of what the kids in New College are up to, too.
Trump is an idiot savant. His one preternatural skill is the ability to manipulate weak or stupid or evil or greedy — or some combination of that — people. Aside from that, he is an imbecile. DeSantis is actually educated and smart, which makes him potentially much, much more dangerous.
Murr: I’ve never said this to you before: I appreciate your attempt to make this shit funny, but I’m not sure it can be done. (Before the great and hilarious Molly Ivins died, she said “Politics isn’t funny any more.”) A War on Women is the fascist’s greatest tool — taking down more than half the population (except the rich women) in one stroke. The breadth of vision in that is breathtaking, and not in a good way.
Doug: I’m with you on circle jerks. I’ve always suspected it was a myth. I could never imagine doing that.
Mimi: I can’t wear yellow either. I never knew that what I have is called cool-toned coloring! Even worse is chartreuse, which makes me look as if I died three days ago. But I read that Western Spotted Cucumber Beetles can’t see yellow, so you should wear yellow when plucking them off the cucumber vines so they don’t see you coming and employ their best defense, which is dropping to the ground just as you home in on them with your hand. That’s why I have a bright yellow long-sleeved tee shirt hanging in the closet, waiting for the beetle season. BTW the Handmaid’s Tale x 1984 description is perfect.
And Jeremy gets a gold star for not writing “hone in on.”
That’s a pretty low bar to clear.
The very sad fact of this is the countless number of girls who are growing up thinking and believing that they have to submit to this kind of intrusion and control. You don’t. Your sick-ass MAGA parents are wrong. Your politicians are wrong. Your braying clergy is wrong.
Another gold star for “braying.”
This has resulted in an unfortunate drop in women using public transportation,…”
Also, a retired postal worker is entitled, in my estimation, to suggest “free prepaid postal envelopes in which to send one used feminine hygiene product per cycle to the governor.”
Nah! Think bigger! Send ALL the used pads and tampons to the governor!
They say “business reply mail” right on them and if that isn’t sending your business I don’t know what is.
Back in the day, when I would get junk mail that had “business reply” envelopes in there, I would tuck all the junk mail they sent me into those envelopes and send them back. I don’t get as much junk mail anymore, but I think that’s because they’re concentrating on sending me junk e-mails.
I understand the motive, but boy oh boy that junk mail was what was keeping our first-class prices low. That’s where we got the bucks. I never encouraged anyone to do that. Just smile and throw it out…and except for the waste of paper, I find the junk emails way more intrusive!
We called it “jumping off the roof.” There were many times I would have preferred just that.
Wait! Wait! Come back! You called WHAT “jumping off the roof?”
I heard ‘it’ called ‘falling off the roof’ first time ever, in Texas.
Hysterical in a “this is an absolutely absurdist abomination” of real life.