The Florida High School Athletic Association was all set to require female athletes to complete a questionnaire about their menstrual histories in order to compete. It was never entirely clear what the purpose of this program was but it is Florida, which as a state is in the vanguard of the important fight to keep transgender girls and women from competing athletically, or demonstrating their existence in any other way. Also, Florida is highly concerned about its stock of fetal future athletes, and a mandatory multi-purpose Menstrual History, it is felt, is an efficient way to clobber two birds with one brick.

Governor Ron DeSantis is proposing to lower the legal abortion limit from the current 15 weeks’ gestation to six weeks, and hopes soon to prohibit abortions from the point at which an erect penis comes within six feet of a female. This has resulted in an unfortunate drop in women using public transportation, and as it stands now, any Florida resident interested in an abortion will have to obtain it before her first sexual encounter. With proper coordination between the State and the Athletic Association it should be possible to detain and prosecute any girl reporting a gap of three months between periods.

Once the news leaked out, there was a backlash to the menstrual history questionnaire, though, especially since these records are now being kept online, and many girls and women are concerned about their “privacy,” because they are emotional creatures.

I see no problem with it though. With a few small tweaks any such concerns should be overcome. First, to build trust, every man requesting a menstrual history should be required to fill out his own form including items such as date of his first chubby; his first circle jerk, including a roster of other participants, and the winning time; and, in the essay portion, a synopsis of his most reliable go-to fantasy.

Secondly, since questions such as “date of last period” are liable to lead to unreliable data, as memories are not always up to the task, the athletes should instead be provided with free prepaid postal envelopes in which to send one used feminine hygiene product per cycle to the governor. If he doesn’t like it, he can use taxpayer funds to fly them to Martha’s Vineyard.

I’ve never had to complete a medical questionnaire for school activities, but it would never have prevented me from athletics. What did prevent me from athletics was my inability to run, jump, swim, or balance on one foot, and the fact that nobody stands behind me in horseshoes. But it’s nice to have someone take such a personal interest, and so of my own volition I provide the following History:

Spring, 1966. There had been ominous rumblings of discontent in the territories for months before the initial attack. Fortunately the skirmish was quickly quelled using a primitive makeshift apparatus, and while the greatest minds at Kimberley-Clark strategized about improvements to the response system, the first Battle of the Bulge was considered won, and peace returned to the kingdom.

1966-1968. But it was not to last. The enemy reverted to guerrilla tactics, effectively using the element of surprise. Defensive measures continued to be inadequate and difficult to operate in battle conditions, with undisciplined conscripts frequently retreating to positions of safety that left the battle zone unguarded, but the state of technology advanced sharply with the introduction of the Tactical Adhesive Strip. The homeland was encouraged but there was still no getting in front of future assaults, which continued to erupt when they were least expected.

1970-2004. Home territory has now gone full Afghanistan, an endless cycle of ambush and bloodshed. A sustained campaign of attacks leaves heavy casualties among the privates in the underpants drawer and even the elite pantaloon platoon suffers regular losses.

2005. State of siege more or less constant; the enemy has great success storming the bitches until a complete surrender and cease-fire is negotiated. Ultimately, the enemy loses interest, its conquered territory having lost all value as a woman, and it was expected the vanquished victim would quietly and considerately go off to die, but instead it was rather tickled with events, and carries on still.