The House Republicans are in a state of disarray. At stake is the continued existence of the United States Government, and how you feel about that depends on whether or not you believe we should collaborate on roads and clean meat and such, or dissolve into a nation of 330 million pirates and cowboys.

Speaker Kevin McCarthy, speaking from a spider hole in the House Chamber and nervously running a finger inside a new leather collar, unilaterally opened an impeachment inquiry into President Biden two weeks after insisting only the full House could authorize such a thing.

The announcement fostered a fevered fracas featuring Freedom Caucus members trying to take credit for the capitulation which, in any case, did not go far enough, as evidenced by Biden’s continued existence. Before long, endangered fur was flying.

Marjorie Taylor Greene (Pus Pocket-GA) claimed it was she who originally hollered that she would not vote to fund the government until an impeachment inquiry was in place, adding that she could call backsies even then. And without an impeachment, she would vote to defund the FBI, the Justice Department, the FDA, the EPA, Nancy Pelosi’s Gazpacho police, and the US Naval Observatory. Exceptions would be made for the person who answers the phone to tell us what time it is, and the ladies who cut the crusts off the little sandwiches in the House cafeteria. Taylor Greene further reminded the floor that she had introduced articles of impeachment on her very first day in office, and has a stack of articles of impeachment ready to go for every Democratic president through 2036.

Matt Gaetz (Slime Mold-FL) fired back that it was he who first called for Speaker McCarthy to be strung up on The Mall, and Taylor Greene snapped that she was the first to insist he be strung up by the feet. She further elucidated that Gaetz was a self-serving prick, and he replied that he knew she was, but what was he. A heated discussion ensued over who was rubber and who was glue.

McCarthy, from the spider hole, threatened to fucking send them both to bed without supper, but they were later observed lounging on his sofa with their feet up on his coffee table watching late night TV with a bag of Doritos and the Speaker’s sandwiches from the break room fridge.

Democratic observers have openly questioned the existence of Speaker McCarthy’s testicles but were reassured that they are safe and sound and hanging from the rear-view mirror of Marjorie Taylor Greene’s $92,000 Buick, paid for by campaign contributions.

Taylor Greene excused herself to make an appointment with a suicide bomber to remodel her bathroom, while Gaetz took the opportunity to gesticulate right there on the House floor, and other Freedom Caucus members worked on wedging in some statements of their own.

Rick Scott (Bunwad-FL) delivered an eloquent statement about government spending and whined about not getting hurricane relief for his farmers and ranchers. Chip Roy (Snotbucket-TX) proposed a new design for the border wall with sliding steel panels through which asylum seekers could be julienned, grillled, and donated as Freedom Fajitas for hurricane victims.

James Comer (Dingleberry-KY) said for his part he was not interested in the impeachment inquiry having anything to do with any of the prostitutes Hunter Biden might have associated with. He later amended his statement about Hunter Biden’s prostitutes to clarify that any victims of Hunter Biden’s sexual exploits should certainly have their rights upheld, including any of his prostitutes, at which point Marjorie Taylor Greene returned to the House floor upholding posters of a nude Hunter Biden with prostitutes. Taylor Greene explained that the posters she was holding up made her very uncomfortable, and was in fact seen squirming in her seat a little, but that the American people deserved to see them, because the American people had been very good.

Taylor Greene furthermore called for “a very tedious impeachment inquiry,” and said she looked forward to requiring President Biden to stultify before the impeachment committee, and to his eventual confliction and remuneration from office.

Meanwhile Matt Gaetz’s gesticulations began to peter out and he was heard to mumble that he had voted to impeach Biden times infinity, to which Taylor Greene said she’d done it times infinity plus one.

Raising her voice, she called on Republicans to do due belligerence in the proceedings.

“She said doo-doo,” Mr. Gaetz said.