I got an urgent message from amazon regarding a purchase I made. Which surprised me, because as a matter of policy I don’t buy from amazon. My policy, like many other people’s, is to refuse to feed the amazon monster, partly so that I am not financing new tits for any of Jeff Bezos’s former or future wives, and also because the company has become the new-age Walmart and ruined good economies the world over by sheer force of its dominance in the market. I mean, maybe I have to live in an unregulated capitalist society, but I don’t have to goose it along.
So what I do, theoretically, is I peruse the amazon Wide World of Everything, and then I find something and buy it from someone else. The original producer, if possible. That’s what I do. Theoretically.
That’s what I do unless I kinda really want it right now and I can’t find another outfit that will send it to me or a store in town that sells it, and I’ve had at least one “fuck it” beer, and then I just order it from amazon.
I have a similar relationship with the use of Roundup.
Okay, so, yeah. In a weak moment, obviously, I ordered this thing from amazon. And amazon wants me to know the product is dangerous and I should quit using it at once. Amazon is always watching me watching over me, which doesn’t feel as good as it ought to. No word given, by the way, on what is so dangerous about this product. Just quit using it. Hey, thanks. I spent good money on that thing and I want to know if it’s super dangerous, or just a little sketchy.
But no further information was forthcoming.
The product in question is the HydroHose, one of the latest in the new generation of hoses that work like a dream and then shrink up like a threatened scrotum when you turn the water off. I am in love with these hoses. I already know they’re problematic.
The first one I used was called a Pocket Hose. It cost $19.99, as seen on TV, and it solved everything. You could turn the water on, your hose would engorge to 50 feet or 75 or whatever length you bought, and then when you turn the water off the whole hose would shrink up into an impotent little pile of hose spaghetti, sulking meekly under the spigot. No coiling, no kinking, no rolling the thing onto a reel, nothing. I used the Pocket Hose for a nice summer season, and at some point BLAM the thing blew up, and I took it back to the store I bought it from for a refund. I did this numerous times with numerous hoses. At some point I walked up to the service counter with my neutered hose and before I even opened my mouth, the clerk popped open the cash register, slapped a twenty on the counter for me, and said “Next?”
By which I deduced the hoses were famously faulty. I didn’t care. It was worth it for me to have a whole summer of hose serenity punctuated with a very loud exclamation point. If it cost me twenty bucks a season, it was well worth it.
But then they got more expensive and there were more brands on the market, and many of them promised a little more life. The original store I was buying Pocket Hoses from quit putting them on the shelves altogether. How about if I just get this hose for twice as much and it would last a lot longer? That’s what they were claiming. Customer reviews were encouraging. The technology had improved.
And now I learn that the thing earned five stars because all the people who would have downgraded it are DEAD. Or something. Amazon wasn’t letting on, so I dug into it.
When one of my Pocket Hoses exploded, and they all did eventually, you could see war veterans hitting the pavement all down the street. These new ones are far stouter. But when they go off they really go off. There have been reports of deafness, bruised bones, and sprains attributed to the devices in their last second of life.
But the warning was issued by the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, an independent board protecting American citizens. Mere days after the hose announcement, three of the five commissioners of the CPSC were terminated by President Trump for being Biden appointees. A District Court ruled the terminations unlawful because they could only be fired for malfeasance, but the Supreme Court reiterated the President’s power to fire anyone he damn felt like for whatever fool reason he had.
So I’m keeping my hoses in the name of personal freedom. Thanks to the administration, job numbers are up, climate change is not a problem, and my scrotal hose is the dream product I always wanted.
I didn’t realize these hoses were “famously problematic.” I have two of them, one in the front, one in the back. They’ve worked well for years. During the summer, I use them almost daily, for the birdbath and for cleaning the pond fountain filter. Should I now start wearing my leaf blower goggles when I use the hose?
I’d go with a diving bell.
I always thought those hoses were too good to be true. Anyway, the minute you mentioned an independent board to protect Americans I figured Trump would be in the next sentence. As for scrotums, I prefer when mine is snug and not Loosey Goosey. Is that too much information? Ugh!
Yes! Yes it is.
My paralyzed friend, Michael (who died a year ago this month) was famous for buying things and then immediately returning them. I often wondered if it was just an excuse to get out of the house and try to talk to someone other than his caretakers, his wife and his small number of friends. I usually got dragooned into driving him to the store and struggling to translate his progressively more garbled speech.
Among the things he bought several times were the hoses you describe. I never knew why they got returned because one of his caregivers took care of that. I just thought it was one of his pointless activities. Thanks for clearing that up.
Y’know, I was thinking about why my hoses seem to be okay, and others have problems with them. It could be the way in which I shut them off, which I learned from Paul. I shut them off at the valve that leads into the house, but I let the nozzle trickle a bit of water until it eventually empties. It could be all the water built up between the valve and the nozzle that explodes? Might want to try it this way and see if it works better for y’all.
Mim, you’re turning off the water at the hose bib, rather than hoping the nozzle will keep things in place, right? That’s definitely the way to do it. And if someone is using the negative pressure retractile hose and leaving the water on and the nozzle in place, they’re defeating the purpose of that kind of hose.
I don’t think leaving the water on all the time with a regular hose is all that healthy and could lead to high water bills if the local fauna turn the nozzle over and activate it.
Hose bib, yes! I didn’t know what it was actually called. But my hoses are years old. No problems with them. They don’t get tangled up, and they don’t need to be rolled up. I just drape them over the deck rail or just drop them under the bib and let them drip and fold into themselves.
I THINK what you’re saying is turn it off at the hose bib and keep the nozzle on so it drains out and the hose shrinks up? Which is of course what I do. If there’s an extra step I missed, lemme know.
My father’s dog, Cricket, a master digger, learned how to turn on the outside spigot by herself. She’d run the water, make a big mud puddle, and have a time of it. Always left the water running, though. (Her famous excavations were called Cricket Holes and presented much danger to the riding lawn mower.)
She also knew how to open doors. Dad had used mostly the lever type of handles when he built his house, and she could pull them down with a paw and walk right out.
So he started keeping the doors locked, which proved to be a constant hassle as he would go out one door, then try to get back in another, and find it locked.
THAT problem was solved by keeping a house key in the outside lock at all times, so as to never find himself locked out. Simple genius!
Being a rocket scientist, he also solved the problem of the birds emptying the feeder too quickly. He placed duct tape over all of the portals except one. That slowed ’em down.
Miss you, Pop.
Plus it leads to lots of entertaining fights at the feeder.
I dont have a scrotum hose, but when I moved into this house I started noticing problems. First the hose they left developed problems. Looked like a snake that swallowed several gerbils. Oh well I said, old hose. So I hooked up my hose. End blew off. Fixed it with a repair part. Blew off. Oh well old hose. Bought a new hose. Blew a hole in it. I guess house pressure should be 40-70 psi. Mine measured 110. It is a wonder all the internal pipes and hoses are OK. I have a new pressure regulator now.
I never realized that the water pressure has a psi. Huh. That may be the culprit in this mysterious case of the exploding hoses. I wouldn’t even know HOW to measure the water pressure, but I guess it’s okay as my hoses have lasted for several years.
But I like showers that can take your skin off!
Buy a pressure gauge at the hardware store. It’s small and has a fitting on it just like the one on the end of your hose to screw it onto the hose bib. Attach it, open the valve, and read the meter.