Wonderful news from the Trump administration! Fresh off declaring victory over the climate crisis by gutting NOAA and the EPA comes the announcement by Chris Wright, the newly appointed Energy Secretary, that fossil fuels are the energy of the future! It’s just one fracking thing after another with this crew, innit? Still, one has to be buoyed by his optimism.

Replacing Biden’s “myopic” focus on climate change is a new, clear vision for prosperity. We need to think big, like no one’s ever thunk before, and we’re already well on the way. Remember how the world used to be powered, and how cities like New York were hip deep in horse manure? Now, we aren’t fouling a few individual cities here and there, but have spread it out in the whole atmosphere, because of the forward-looking policies of men with a good stake in the oil industry: the trusted architects of our future. And we can continue to expand indefinitely, while still producing massive amounts of horseshit for the citizens of America.

But how, say the petrified pansies of progressivism, can we ignore the existential implications of a continued reliance on climate-destroying fossil fuel?

Goodness gracious. Fan me with a hanky pulled out of my bodice, amiright?

We’re going to have the brightest future ever. White-hot. The trick is that we’ve shortened it. We’ve stripped it of its non-essential elements. We have sent DOGE in after it and gotten rid of the inefficient years. 2028-2032, for instance, when the anticipated electoral backlash hits, they’ve been let go. And judicious cuts have been made down the line so that we’re only looking at another hundred and ten years, all told, which will be the most beautiful years mankind has ever experienced. You will love them, I can promise you that. Most of you.

We’re also bringing back racism, which has been treated very unfairly. What is racism, after all, but an expression of pride in one’s heritage? Racism is for everybody: whatever your race, you should be proud of it, for we all have something to contribute. Some of us have snappy rhythm, some of us make fine noodles, and some of us excel at subjugation and dominance. It’s a celebration of the family of man.

We’re also revisiting war, but this time we’ll nail it, we’ll be done with all the little skirmishes, and we’ll go big. World War III, baby. People who are afraid of going big are the same people sniveling about health care and food security. Losers and haters.

In addition, the new secretary of the Department of Health and Human Cervixes is anticipating the return of polio by positioning himself in ventilation and mobility equipment. Trepanning is making a comeback too. If it was good enough for our Civil War heroes, and the Incas, it’s good enough for us. And the practice of drilling holes into people’s skulls should meet with little resistance since we softened everyone’s brains.

So raise a glass to the future! Gonna be wild. It will last about eighty years longer than Elon Musk’s predicted lifespan. Don’t worry about him. His severed head will have been cryogenically packed and readied and sent directly to Mars upon detection of nuclear fallout above a certain threshold level, and assuming all goes well, will not land upside down for eternity. He’ll be fine. He won’t be any lonelier than he is now.