October 15, 2008

I’m no legal whiz. So when it comes to the recent Supreme Court decision in the case of 303 Creative LLC v. the State of Colorado Civil Rights Division Of All That Should Be Holy, I’m still confused. If I have this right, a woman—a blond white one who was assigned female at birth, and for whom said feminine designation totally took, who in general terms never experienced any negative repercussions for being who she was, and who fit comfortably into an approved slot in modern society, with respect to her identity and her desires—felt the need to go all the way to the Supreme Court over her horror at the possibility that she would some day be required to design a wedding website for a gay couple, if she ever decided to create wedding websites. Lawsy! The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends right over for a nice girl with the vapors.

Well, I’ll be go to hell, as it were. That there is one frigid snowflake.

I have some sympathy for the plaintiff, Lorie Smith. I myself have long been terrified I would some day be required to tattoo grammatically awkward Nazi slogans in an aggressive font on an unattractive person, if I ever learned how to tattoo, and got a license, and a little parlor, and needed the dough. Up until now I did not think I had standing to sue, but imaginary horror is real.

June 30, 2011

Heck, half the country might be on fire from imaginary climate change, but it’s snowing hard out there. The most benign things are a source of serious discomfiture and alarm in many quarters. They say no two snowflakes are alike, but some of these right-wingers are mighty similar and they’re piling up in drifts. They’re scared of all kinds of people and in a constant state of aggrieved arousal because they think about sex all the time. It’s as though the fate of democracy hangs in the balance somewhere between the legs. For instance, a number of these people are quite frightened by drag queens, which is like being scared of Big Bird.

Being skeeved out by drag queens is like being afraid of being forcibly gummed by a newt. Enraged newts are vanishingly rare in the real world, but fear is real, which is why people are allowed to let their emotional support Schnauzers piddle in the grocery store. And why not? If you’re afraid of a grocery-store poodle piddle puddle you are always free to bring in your support wolverine and let them duke it out. If that doesn’t settle things, there’s always open-carry.

The fact is, even totally manufactured fears are a good way to suck votes from gullible people, but that doesn’t make those people any less scared.

Take the Moms for Liberty. The Moms for Liberty are afraid of things they don’t understand, so preventing the education of others is second-nature to them. The books have to go. A lot of the books that have to go are designed to allow all sorts of children to see themselves in their pages. The Moms for Liberty are fine with that, as long as the children are like the Moms for Liberty. Black children should be featured in books, preferably as the sidekicks; their troubles should be universal. They do not experience the sting of racism in their lives, because racism no longer exists. Little Jamaal loses his new puppy and gets no help from the mean librarian but ultimately is reunited with his beloved pet after learning a hard lesson about leaving the gate open, and the whole family celebrates with tortes and gelato.

What if a child feels confused about his gender identity or sexual orientation? The puppy story still applies. Keep that doggone gate locked, Skipper.