The second sound you heard the other evening was the sound of me weakly stabbing myself in the head with an ice pick. The first sound was my neighbor saying “it’s supposed to get down to 104 degrees tomorrow.”
In other news:
It is not possible to lay your wrist veins open with an oscillating fan. The blades just quit.
The cord from the ceiling fan is not strong enough to hang yourself from.
Spoiled fruit will not kill you outright.
If you put your head down and charge straight into the pointy corners of the refrigerator, it feels pretty good until you come to again.
Thighs can be removed from a plastic lawn chair by gently inserting an ice pick under the edges and prying up. To remove skin from a metal lawn chair, allow to bake until crisp (fifteen minutes), scrape up with a spatula, add barbecue sauce and serve.
All the doorknobs are hot. Just open it and go in.
Just because the toilet seat is unusually warm, it doesn’t mean it’s turning Japanese. You can wait all day, and it’s not about to squirt water at you or dry you off. You’re still on your own.
Your local newspaper is offering helpful tips to cope with the heat, right on the front page. “Wear Sun Hat” is one, accompanied by a helpful drawing of a Sun Hat. “Seek Shade” is another. There is a helpful drawing of a generic tree in profile with a dark spot next to it, an arrow pointing at the dark spot. You are one of the last fifteen people who still subscribe to your local newspaper, and your local newspaper suspects you are a moron.
Black fur absorbs heat. Fur can be removed from the thighs with a damp sponge. Cats can travel about fifteen feet in the air before returning to earth. The Band-aids are in the pantry.
There is a temperature above which your computer tower will actually begin to pant. Windows Vista, however, still freezes.
About ten degrees before the point at which life ceases to exist, humor dies. I am not funny. You are definitely not funny.
Why, yes, it IS hot enough for me, thank you! Ha ha! Have you met Mr. Ice Pick?