See, for someone who’s been accused of being creative all her life, I have the dumbest dreams ever. If there’s a possibility of something interesting happening, like flying, or having sex with handsome strangers, I don’t do it. In my dream I say “No thanks, you go ahead and fly, I’ll just hop up and down a little.” I say, “No thanks, sex sounds nice, but I need to get my laundry off the line before it rains.” Invariably I stop short of something really satisfying, and instead do whatever I would ordinarily do in my ordinary but satisfying life.
And that’s if I’m not trying to figure out how many Little Things go in a Big Thing. Or if I’m not missing my flight. Or if I’m not running around trying to find a clean, private toilet.
Sweet dreams aren’t made of these.
So listen to this:
I dreamt there was a big mob in the street. Everyone was yelling. They’d heard there was going to be a hanging, and they were out for blood. The person who was going to be hanged was running for office, someone like Elizabeth Warren, although in my dream she looked like Maggie Smith. Donald Trump had told the crowd she was going to be hanged from the inside of a glass elevator shaft, and the mob was gathering around the building’s parking lot to watch. Donald Trump was working the crowd. “Or maybe we won’t hang her after all. Maybe…” He shrugged, put his palms up, milked the moment. The crowd roared. “Maybe we’ll just let her drop a couple feet. A couple feet!” He’s holding his tiny hands apart. “And then maybe we’ll ask her a few questions. A few questions! I don’t know! What do you think?” He shrugged again. The crowd screamed Hang her! Hang her!
I’m growing more and more horrified as I realize this thing is actually going to happen. I keep thinking there has to be a way to stop it, that things couldn’t have gotten this far, that they can’t really get away with this. I know the building. It’s an apartment tower on my mail route, and I know which floor has the access to the elevator shaft. I punch a code to enter and race up six flights of stairs and fly down the hallway. When I open the door that leads to the elevator shaft, there’s a pretty good crowd there too. Donald Trump is there. He is smirking and teasing and bobbing his head. People are laughing with him, but I don’t get the sense that this crowd is all on his side–that maybe they are just cowed, afraid to intervene. I had in mind that I would yell out “No! We’re not going to let you do this!” and all the good people would start hollering and stomping and get the gumption to rush the guards. They just need someone to break the spell. I’m waiting for the right moment.
Just then three men start leading Elizabeth Warren Maggie Smith toward the gibbet and she looks tense but dignified, like Marie Antoinette on the way to the Guillotine, and I about lose my mind. Instead of yelling, I lunge straight at Donald Trump and jump him and put my hands around his big squishy neck and throttle him for all I’m worth. He crumples to the floor and I’m kicking and strangling and stomping and he is soft and doughy like a bag of goo and can’t defend himself at all, and every punch and kick lands, and I’m thinking, Well, this is it, I’m about to get shot or hauled off to prison or both, but it doesn’t happen. Trump lies on the floor curled up like a fat, damaged larva and everyone stands and cheers, even the guards. And there are more and more of us cheering and we look down and the crowd in the parking lot is thinning fast, skulking away.
I really did dream that, all of that. And when I woke up, I really did think “I’d better not put this in a blog post, or I could get arrested.” Because that’s the kind of world we’re living in today.
Or maybe it’s the dream world.