Advertisements are a lot more explicit now. Maybe whatever held us back in the past has long since been rendered quaint by the required recitation of side-effects from the drug peddlers. By the time you’ve said “uncontrollable erection” and “anal seepage” out loud, a line of delicacy has been crossed.
Even so, Always Maxi Pads startled me with their “What The Gush Moments.” You know what? Those ugly technicolor bears with their clean heinies can go straight to hell, but this I love. It’s a sly nod to a vulgarity, paired with a 100% accurate, relatable description. Not only that, but when they do the little demonstration of their product sopping up liquid, they use red liquid.
They used to use blue liquid. Mediterranean Blue. Like this is a freaking holiday on the French Riviera. That’s how delicate our sensibilities used to be. Pretty sure some men thought even that was gross, and to those guys, I say, button up, Buttercup. At least they’re not showing chunks.
Shoot, way back when, “feminine hygiene” ads didn’t even really say what they were advertising. You could imagine it was deodorant. Or little white shorts. Or swimsuits. Or maybe they were just celebrating Freedom. Oh, say can you see? Sure hope not!
But the What The Gush Moment gets my attention. Because that is absolutely, totally a thing. You’re going about your day and then very suddenly, with no warning, you have a Situation, and you freeze in your tracks to give your mattress-sized pad the best opportunity to Control The Situation and not breach the dike. As it were. Then you’re mincing toward the bathroom only moving your legs from the knees down. It’s been fifteen years for me, but when I see the faces of the women in the ad suddenly registering a Moment, I know exactly how they feel.
Here’s a thing. If you want to see a roomful of women pee their pants laughing–there’s Poise for that–just say “The average amount of blood lost during a menstrual period is six to eight teaspoons.”
Who were they studying? Disney princesses?
Teaspoons. This is a plug for the metric system if I’ve ever heard one.
Hey. If they’re making something that will handle the Situation without requiring you to tie a sweater around your waist just to make an exit, more power to them. When I was first introduced to the joys of womanhood, my mother set me up with my very own napkin and belt. Which was no doubt an improvement on whatever sorry improvisation she grew up with on the farm in North Dakota. But let’s put it this way: when they came out with adhesive strips for your underpants, it had the weight of a technological breakthrough. Because the thing about that belt is you could get the whole contraption centered just so, and five walking steps later it was crawling up your ass and you were backing into the corner of a table to shove it back toward the front. There you are, talking to a nice boy, just, you know, casually backing into furniture with a little humpy-movement hoping you look normal. And you are not. You are embarking on a special Ladies’ Cruise with 480 ports-of-call and if you sail out of any one of them with clean underwear, Disney would like a word.
OMG, YES! I can still remember being in the girl's bathroom stall in grade school, trying to center the tab of the pad into attachments on the belt. It seemed to take forever, and I was sweating bullets, agonizing over whether anyone — especially the boys — would wonder what was taking me so long in the bathroom. (Because you couldn't even allude to having a period to a boy. I remember being asked out swimming, and would say that I was sick.) I would wear one of those "hospital size" pads some days, and it still required changing too often. Man, this is one of the better things about menopause — no more blood floods.
Your pad had tabs? I think mine was just more of the outside material, squinched through a squinchy hole. And now, I really can't remember–yet another menopause feature.
It had extensions of the overcover — whatever that was made of. And the belt had the kind of "button through a loop" kind of attachment that garter belts had. It was certainly too much pressure on a -just- pubescent girl to figure out how to attach this in a timely manner, and in a secretive way. I felt like I was dabbling in espionage.
Right. Okay. That's how mine were too.
When my daughter was born, in 1989, the nurse gave me a belt and pad, and I had no freaking idea what to do with it. I called my sister to bring me some "Hospital Size" pads with adhesive, readily available at any store. Other times, I was a tampon girl, normally. Thank god that's all over with.
Tried a few other devices in my time, but there was no cleaning it up.
This is indeed ironic, as just YESTERDAY I was on the phone with my friend Lisa, we were both watching MSNBC & talking about Biden, when this "gush" commercial came on and we got to talking about it and the recent one for "Pubic Razors" where we watch a woman sawing back & forth on her privates. Is nothing sacred? BTW, this reminds me of Easter 1970 when I was in 5th grade, and all the kids in my class were making "Easter hats & bonnets" at home for a contest & parade on school grounds. My hat actually won (my mom helped me with it) and when one of the teachers asked me how many cotton balls it took to make it, I said it had no cotton balls, I used 3-4 of my mom's Kotex pads. And in front of 100 kids I was marched to the office and my mother called, who came promptly to the school and called my teachers a bunch of uptight assholes. The End!
I think we need photos!
Try a gush moment when you have started down the church aisle as a bridesmaid, as the very unexpected start of your period. (The saving grace was that it was in the day of impenetrable girdles.)
Or, having your art teacher tell you that she thinks you sat in some red paint on a desk (amazingly enough, that was the case!)
We women go through the wars in the name of being able to perpetuate the species.
And I didn't perpetuate a darn thing.
I detest my species. Thankfully, I did nothing whatever to perpetuate it, and everything I could to avoid it!
Oh, yes. When I was 10 I had a subscription to American Girl magazine (published by the Girl Scouts but not overly Girl-Scouty). There were MANY ads for "sanitary products." That year we had the Kotex Movie (girls-only assembly, moms invited — my mother took off work to attend) so I knew what the Am Girl ads referred to. I was alternately fascinated and embarrassed.
I'm pretty sure I've already written how I learned about it, in this space…and I was completely embarrassed too, because it was so clearly a subject about an area we did Not Refer To in our house, and my mother was the one Referring.
Was it "You're A Young Lady Now" with the animation done by Disney? It was so bizarre it's one of the few things I remember from 7th grade.
My gushes would be the second morning just as I woke up so it was a not-fully-awake run to the bathroom. I don't miss those days AT ALL!!!
See Post Title.
My dear departed mother (born 1911) was mystified as a girl by some discreet references to "sanitary napkins." She remembered being at a restaurant and complaining to her mother because all they had on the table were REGULAR napkins, and why couldn't she have a sanitary one?
My Campfire group had "the meeting" with a film (or was it a filmstrip?) sponsored by Modess ("Rhymes with Oh-Yes!"), at which we received some free product samples.
What a relief not to have to deal with any of that any more!!!!
One day I was delivering tampon samples on my mail route, and I handed some old woman her mail with the sample in a box on top, and as I walked away she hollered "Thanks for the memories, sweetie!"
I, too, thought they were some sort of super-napkin that one used when eating. My mom, at the time, wore a cloth rag attached to a homemade belt of elastic and safety pins, so I had no idea that they sold something like this.
And I'm SURE I mangled the timeline. There probably wasn't even such a "product" in the 1920's, so it must have been a story my mother told about being with her nieces (I'm in my late 60's, and they are/were 12-15 years older), with whom she spent a lot of time.
My mom was old enough to be my grandmom, so you may not have mangled the timeline all that much. Also, my mom was cheap when it came to spending money on herself. She would have made her own, even if there were such a product.
I've lost track of such things over the past 35 years, but in those days, the environmentally friendly thing to do was to make/buy re-usable pads. It was quite the "thing".
Still is, in some circles, bless the young'uns!
Gush Moment??? We didn't/don't get those ads. Instead we get nubile and attractive women enjoying life being active. With no hint of discomfort or any discharge. Sigh.
I still remember a doctor telling me (aged 12?) that women liked to get their periods because it 'reassured them that they were a woman'??? I don't need to tell you that particular doctor had never had a period in his life.
Lord love a duck.
Oh, yes! When the Pill was created, there was no reason for women to experience periods anymore–except The Powers That Be thought women needed/wanted to have periods to feel womanly. So they set it up so we continued to have that monthly joy. WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST ASK US???
Huh. I hadn't even thought about it. You mean if you just KEPT TAKING THEM and didn't leave out that one week's-worth you wouldn't have your period and nothing awful would happen to you?
Exactly. In fact, some pill brands were advertising for awhile that you only had to have your period 4 times a year. Since then I believe some women just take the pill all year and don't get the period at all. My friend's daughter was doing that because she had very bad periods.
Well, crap.
I have been watching "Bridgerton" and all the women seem to need to check their sheets when they wake in the morning to see if they have started the monthlies. WTF? Of course, they also all achieve orgasm within 60 seconds, and they look gorgeous the whole time.
My friend (Hi Linda!) once stuck her hand down her pants for no conceivable reason and when I asked, she said she was checking to see if she'd started her period. "With your FINGER?" I said, horrified. "What?" she said. "Haven't you gone digital yet?"
At least I never had to do that, mine were like clockwork even down to the time of day, around 2pm. So I was always prepared.
Wow! Wow!
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Haha, I used to use a Q-tip "tester" to see if I was getting my period. Especially if I had reason to worry about whether I would be getting it, if you get my drift, LOL.
Those Commercials are getting daring, and not the least bit delicate about stuff. It was the only positive I could say about having had a hysterectomy… I'd say besides not having more Kiddos to Raise, but I ended up Raising some Grandkids, so it didn't solve that problem. You always have some of the most interesting Post Topics Murr….
Oh man–just when you think you've finished rearin' the young'uns…crap.
Honestly I read your blog at least 50% for your readers' responses, especially mimimanderly who I'm pretty sure I'm related to. Anyway though, I was so excited about getting to have periods I used to try on my Modess starter kit almost daily, and when the big day came, couldn't wait to tell my poor clueless brothers. Some weeks later, when our friends were coming over to swim, but I alas could not, Mom told me about tampons, and explained where they went (who knew? Not me!) and then lurked discreetly outside my door in case I needed help god forbid, as I explored that previously unknown territory successfully, thank heavens. Thanks Mom for the enlightened attitude.
I cannot. Even. Imagine. I do remember the first time someone gave me a tampon. Yes, on a hiking/camping trip, on top of, I am not making this up, Old Rag Mountain, and here's at least one thing about that first tampon: you're thinking straight up, but it's really an angle. It wasn't easy, either, but lest I believed I might have punctured something sacred, it was plenty painful to have sex the first time.
No female member of my family would ever believe six to eight teaspoons. We are a gushing waterfall type of family. None of us went anywhere without extra supplies in handbags or deep pockets. For the first two days each time none of us went anywhere at all.
Might as well get a big book and sit on the toilet.
OMG these replies are all hilarious! I was in that transition generation… from belts to adhesive… but do folks remember how good that adhesive was and how it would leave a residue in your unders crotch area and holy cow… when it didn't wash out putting those on bare was an experience. That and all the hilarious stories about how you long it took you and how many tampons to get one in the right way. Holy cow… all because I wanted to go water skiing. This certainly colored the way I was with my 4 girls. They could have any feminine product they wanted and I still remember the time he went to Albertson's at 11:30 pm to get extra maxi pads, extra strength midol and double stuff oreos….. Good times!
…"and double stuff oreos…"
OMG these replies are all hilarious! I was in that transition generation… from belts to adhesive… but do folks remember how good that adhesive was and how it would leave a residue in your unders crotch area and holy cow… when it didn't wash out putting those on bare was an experience. That and all the hilarious stories about how you long it took you and how many tampons to get one in the right way. Holy cow… all because I wanted to go water skiing. This certainly colored the way I was with my 4 girls. They could have any feminine product they wanted and I still remember the time he went to Albertson's at 11:30 pm to get extra maxi pads, extra strength midol and double stuff oreos….. Good times!
As a child I can remember an ad for washing powder that showed girls in white tennis dresses and an unctuous male voice-over saying
"Stains too difficult, even to talk about"
I couldn't work out what they meant -grass stains?
In the 90's it was various fluids; the sea, diving into pools,waterfalls and blue liquid seeping onto sheets of cotton wool. My sons were bamboozled and one asked "Do women wet themselves all the time?" So I drew diagrams and explained as much as they could handle but the object of the ads was to be as obscure as possible, probably to spare male sensibilities. And to stop kids asking questions…
Yeah, subtlety totally worked on me as a kid. I could never figure out what anyone was talking about. Jeez, I remember we were on vacation which meant we could go to motels with a POOL and I was begging my sister to go in the pool with me and she wouldn't do it, and Mom said "She doesn't want to, now leave her alone." NOBODY EVER TALKED ABOUT IT.
Oh 'the film'. Well. As far as my mother was concerned this was not a subject suitable for me to learn about in grade six, even though I was a full year older than my classmates since polio had delayed my start in school until I was seven, nearly eight. I had to sit in the library alone while *every other girl in grade six* went to the "Modess Film" and learned about girl things, which I did not learn until the inevitable happened and scared me out of my wits. My father was dispatched to buy supplies. I was hideously embarrassed and ashamed, still had no idea what it all meant, except that I was told that *now* if I kissed a boy I could get a baby. Better a 'gush moment' than what many of us went through with parents born at the turn of the 20th century.
Lord knows. My mom did better than that, but only barely.
Fascinating!!
Concise!
Oh did this bring back memories! I laughed so hard at your description of the trials and tribulations of the pad riding up. We had to walk to school and by the time I got there it was always twisted or uncomfortable.
I was going through stuff I brought over from my parents' house when my mother moved out (15 years ago, LOL) and found a whole trove of stuff from my old room – including my 5th grade booklet about menstruation. It was sponsored by Modess. How I hated those belts and pads! Later I got a panty that had elastics in it to hold the pad, which was better. But my mom finally told me about tampons and I never went back to pads again, until perimenopause when I got a LOT of "Gush" moments and had to use BOTH. Ugh.I'm so happy to be over all that! (And I know people who take the pill all year and skip their periods now, which seems like a good idea to me).
Yeah, it's not like there's a buildup or anything. I was on the Pill for only about two years. They used to pack quite the punch. My tits blew up (stretch marks to this day) and everybody got super irritating.
My worst oh my gush moment occurred during Seldomridge's biology class. The prettiest little yellow and white lace cut-out skirt. I hate to correct you, Murr, but it's "oily anal seepage"
Oh dearie dear.
I'm SO sorry I didn't think of this earlier, but I highly HIGHLY recommend y'all seek out the short story by science fiction writer Connie Willis, entitled, "Even the Queen." And that's all I'll say about that.