Have you tried to lose weight, but the pounds keep coming back? Sure you have, you big fatty! But you haven’t tried the CroMagnificent Plan! Eat anything you want and watch the pounds literally melt away. Yes, the CroMagnificent Plan is based on the scientifically proven fact that we all have a little Neanderthal in us. And were the Neanderthals fat? No! A little roomy through the hips, maybe, but they were strong and sturdy and well-defined, often with attractive collarbones, because they literally melted fat away with the fire in their loins. All we need to do is get back in touch with our loins.
Loins are something our ancient forebears had–that’s what they put cloths on. But we still have loins today, buried deep within our trousers, and with the CroMagnificent Plan we too can learn to light a fire in them.
But Murr, you say. Did ancient people eat genetically modified, hybridized, antibiotic-laced Frankenfoods? No, they did not, because they didn’t have any. But they would have been scarf-city if they had. Remember, it’s not what we eat. Mankind is blessed with a big brain that instantly analyzes all new food items and sends new instructions to the metabolism accordingly. As long as the fire in the loins is going, fat will simply melt away.
The ancients did it by hunting the largest animal they could find–the mastodon. Mastodons were pleasant-natured beasts but they could be made irritable with enough spear points and the danger always existed that they could fall over on the hunter at any time. The mastodon-hunting man had loins aflame.
But Murr, you say. We no longer have any mastodons. What can we do to light the fire?
Glad you asked! First we need to realign ourselves with the magnetic field as it existed in the Pleistocene. The poles have changed several times since the Legacy People were lighting fires in their loins, and in order to recalibrate our systems we need to eat while facing the north pole and hopping 180 degrees clockwise to the south pole, repeating until a fire is kindled. (For our friends in the southern hemisphere, do just the reverse; equatorial people may spin in place.)
Then we can summon the fat-melting loin fire by using our big brains to imagine the mastodon. We need to develop our fears, using the power of gullibility. So grab your nuts and Cheez Doodles and start ruminating! Begin with our starter package. Here’s how it works: Obama and all the other Muslims are actually holograms created by the CIA to distract us from domestic affairs so that we begin to consider single-payer health care every time we feel a little cancer coming on. And once we have been herded into government health care we will all be given mandatory vaccinations that will weaken our resolve until we voluntarily turn in our guns and then it’s game over, send in the comet.
Feel the burn yet? Sure you do!
That’s it! That’s how simple it is. Anyone can learn to do this on their own, but you can jump-start your fat-melting powers by ordering the Muslo-Pac* for five easy payments of $19.95. Act now and we’ll throw in a bottle of loin-kindling supplements absolutely free. Hurry!
*Also available in Roswell and Leviticus.
Fire up my loins?
Good God woman!
The last time I did that I ended up with four kids!
I'll stick with eating less of the junky type foods for weight loss.
But how much fun is that?
All that recalibrating and rekindling sounds like a LOT of work! I think I'll just stick with good old modern diet and exercise….
But with the new CroMagnificent Plan, you only need to recalibrate your magnetism once. Exercise is forever.
I agree with River. Keep those loins calm and cool. There is nothing one can do to lose weight except sit or lie down only when the sun is behind the horizon. The rest of the time keep moving.
I can overeat on the move. Don't think I can't.
Fat is an energy-storage mechanism. The Neanderthals lived in a cold, low-resource environment — when they managed to accumulate a little fat, I doubt they wanted it to melt away. Strokes and heart attacks aren't much of an issue when recurring famine and disease pretty much guarantee you won't live past 40 anyway.
If the Neanderthals could have seen a modern Cheeto-fattened sedentary slob American, they'd probably have eaten him. Much safer than hunting mastodons.
The one upside of this latest weight-loss fad is imagining all the more literal-minded dimwits — you know they're out there — setting fire to themselves in unfortunate places.
I don't think there are any literal-minded dimwits reading this here blog. I do wonder what a good human steak would taste like, especially if finished with Cheetos.
I have actually googled this. Apparently, we taste like pork.
I have too. And I am sort of proud that we taste like pork. Aren't you?
Better than those creatures who taste like chicken. It seems every species and their brother tastes like chicken these days.
I don't like pork. Guess my ancestors weren't cannibals.
I've just lost 30 lbs on the "Have a heart attack and don't eat much for the next month" diet plan. I really do not recommend it, no matter how effective it may be.
I hate your diet plan, Tom. I so hate your diet plan. Welcome back.
But what if I'm pro-healthcare AND pro-gun?
There's nothing wrong with that, but you probably won't get enough of a fire going to lose those pounds. That's why the diet doesn't work for everybody.
My partner diets by 'thinking thin'. Which works for him. It seems the sneaky so and so has been surreptitiously lighting unseen fires…
Oh, you'd know. You'd know.
A number of years back, my husband had to lose weight due to high cholesterol, and he did – an amazing amount in a short-ish time frame. Whenever anyone asked how he did it, he told them it was simple: if it tastes good, don't eat it.It made more sense than a lot of fad diets.
Until yours! The science behind the CroMagnificent Diet is impeccable and full of factoids. I predict you will make a million bucks, give or take.
Give or take.
Your exercise plan here needs a name, too. That hopping part. I'm thinking the P-360 (in honor of Pootie's raging loin fires.) The Info Packet comes with an entire national budget proposal.
Nance! I've missed you!
Murr, my body is perfectly adapted for a pizzatarian lifestyle, so don't go all trying that paleo schtick on me. But, as a gullible muppet, I'd still like to send the money. Is that possible? Roth x
Glad you asked, Mr. Roth! Yes, the CroMagnificent plan is so powerful that it works just as well if you just send money.
Fire in the loins makes me think of that time we grabbed the Vicks instead of the Vaseline. And thanks to an erratic touch of dyslexia, I read that you should eat while pooping 180 degrees clockwise to the South pole. That sounds like extreme yoga to me.
Yeah, I guess it depends where your pole is, huh?
How much for the Clinton/Lewinski/Benghazi power boost pak? I want my loins to be in very fiery shape to outrun that comet.
Now, that's an image. I like that.
Fire in the loins – now that is my ideal for losing weight. There is another way…
I was a Navy survival instructor for nine years and most of our students lost an average of ten pounds when the had to catch their own food in order to eat.
Besides, who needs Obama Care? There is a Voo Doo witch doctor on line that will send you a spell for only five dollars.
If I had to catch my own food, I'd be dead. My whole life strategy has been to have other people feed me. Basically, I'm a baby bird.
If I wore a loincloth in this climate I wouldn't have any nuts to grab. I don't think a fire can be started at these temperatures. Remember To Build a Fire by Jack London?
You mean in your climate you could make do with a panty liner? No, I don't remember that Jack London. Doesn't mean I didn't read it. I can read mysteries several times without remember whodunnit.