Have you tried to lose weight, but the pounds keep coming back? Sure you have, you big fatty! But you haven’t tried the CroMagnificent Plan! Eat anything you want and watch the pounds literally melt away. Yes, the CroMagnificent Plan is based on the scientifically proven fact that we all have a little Neanderthal in us. And were the Neanderthals fat? No! A little roomy through the hips, maybe, but they were strong and sturdy and well-defined, often with attractive collarbones, because they literally melted fat away with the fire in their loins. All we need to do is get back in touch with our loins.

Loins are something our ancient forebears had–that’s what they put cloths on. But we still have loins today, buried deep within our trousers, and with the CroMagnificent Plan we too can learn to light a fire in them.

But Murr, you say. Did ancient people eat genetically modified, hybridized, antibiotic-laced Frankenfoods? No, they did not, because they didn’t have any. But they would have been scarf-city if they had. Remember, it’s not what we eat. Mankind is blessed with a big brain that instantly analyzes all new food items and sends new instructions to the metabolism accordingly. As long as the fire in the loins is going, fat will simply melt away.

The ancients did it by hunting the largest animal they could find–the mastodon. Mastodons were pleasant-natured beasts but they could be made irritable with enough spear points and the danger always existed that they could fall over on the hunter at any time. The mastodon-hunting man had loins aflame.

But Murr, you say. We no longer have any mastodons. What can we do to light the fire?

Glad you asked! First we need to realign ourselves with the magnetic field as it existed in the Pleistocene. The poles have changed several times since the Legacy People were lighting fires in their loins, and in order to recalibrate our systems we need to eat while facing the north pole and hopping 180 degrees clockwise to the south pole, repeating until a fire is kindled. (For our friends in the southern hemisphere, do just the reverse; equatorial people may spin in place.)

Then we can summon the fat-melting loin fire by using our big brains to imagine the mastodon. We need to develop our fears, using the power of gullibility. So grab your nuts and Cheez Doodles and start ruminating! Begin with our starter package. Here’s how it works: Obama and all the other Muslims are actually holograms created by the CIA to distract us from domestic affairs so that we begin to consider single-payer health care every time we feel a little cancer coming on. And once we have been herded into government health care we will all be given mandatory vaccinations that will weaken our resolve until we voluntarily turn in our guns and then it’s game over, send in the comet.

Feel the burn yet? Sure you do!

That’s it! That’s how simple it is. Anyone can learn to do this on their own, but you can jump-start your fat-melting powers by ordering the Muslo-Pac* for five easy payments of $19.95. Act now and we’ll throw in a bottle of loin-kindling supplements absolutely free. Hurry!

*Also available in Roswell and Leviticus.