It’s the start of a new year, and Republicans are patting their fingertips together and making nummy noises, eager as maggots on roadkill. Dozens of congressional committees await their new chairs. Gavels quiver, lobbyists prowl the hallways in a state of arousal, and resigned liberals reach for the lube. Things are going to be different now.
The new majority, sensitive to the charge that their positions are rigid–and some of them are very rigid indeed–have already softened their stance on promoting more women and minorities in their ranks, and are poised to install a cohort of mostly white men. Except for Rep. Devin Nunes (CA), who is also a mostly white man.
Jason Chaffetz, the incoming chair of House Oversight, the committee in charge of ignoring things, is expected to hold the line. The Appropriations committee hopes to continue the good work begun in the 1980s, when rule changes enabled a robust new financial sector that appropriated America’s pension plans. The stubborn persistence of pockets of overtime pay and the threat of an uptick in the minimum wage signal the need for more appropriations.
Rob Bishop, the new chair of the Natural Resources committee, has warned that there are still some natural resources left and he will see to their extraction. Citizens living above shale fields can look forward to taking it right up the ass in exchange for a brief boom-town bump followed by years of desolation that can be blamed on future liberals.
Helming the Agriculture committee, Rep. Mike Conaway has promised to maintain Cheez Doodle price supports and has announced the implementation of a new program to increase yields through the application of a mulch of dead honeybees.
The new majority is in agreement on the need to end Obamacare, replacing it with the previous system, to which they intend to introduce economies via a nationwide network of trapdoors, roulette wheels, and tiger cages.
The new chair of the Science, Space, and Technology committee is particularly excited about his plans to remove Science altogether and replace it with Volleyball and Driver’s Ed.
This suits incoming majority leader Mitch McConnell, who has vowed to reduce the scourge of science in favor of good old-fashioned alchemy, which he credits with turning coal into gold and his own state of Kentucky into a flayed wasteland. His colleague James Inhofe is eager to begin the dismantling of the environment in his new post as head of the Environment committee as soon as he gets done stroking himself.
Chuck Grassley, the new chair of the Judiciary committee, will be in charge of blocking more court nominees. Long renowned for his ability to dig up dirt in candidates’ private lives, he vows ever more stringent fabrication.
And finally, John McCain, 112, prepares to take over the Armed Services committee. Famous for his departure from the party line on the subject of torture, he promises to eliminate the need for torture altogether by identifying large geographical areas that might contain terrorists and bombing the living fuck out of them, which is totally fair.
I know that things seem like they're headed down the tubes, but at times like these I think back to when Reagan won the election in '80. I really thought at the time, given his war-mongering reputation, that he would lead us into a nuclear war and that would be that for humanity. Obviously, that did not happen (at least not on this time-space continuum). Fortunately, politicians are incompetent narcissists, who will likely get nothing done at all. Thank the gods. Sometimes nothing is a really, really good thing!
Nothing would be an excellent thing. For some reason I'm not too worried about this crew. They seem kind of dopey.
Maybe, but dopey funded by Koch $ is just plain scary.
I read your posts, Murr, and I wish I were able to respond with a comment that one like this deserves, but I am simply not up to the task. So, I will just say: thank you for taking something that scares the crap out of me and making me laugh about it. 🙂
I made DJan say "crap!"
You and John Stewart help us all keep perspective during these hard times!
Now that's some nice company.
That first paragraph may be the most disturbing thing you've ever written — disturbingly accurate.
he promises to eliminate the need for torture altogether by identifying large geographical areas that might contain terrorists and bombing the living fuck out of them
He could start with Idaho. That seems to be a popular hang-out for the heavily-armed white supremacists and "militias" that periodically go nutzoid and shoot up random collections of people (or go to Nevada to threaten insurrection in defense of illegal cows).
You've drawn up an impressive cast of supervillains and monsters, but I still have hope that our superhero Obama-man will keep them at bay for the next two years. After that it's up to the voters to finally do their job.
Wait a minute. Cow guy was from Idaho? That makes total sense. It sure is a pretty state. I don't know how it attracts all those weirdos. Was the toddler who shot mom in a Walmart in Idaho too? (They start young.)
The first picture that popped into my mind when you said "illegal cows" is a bunch of shifty-eyed cows sneaking over the border to take jobs away from the local cows.
On their hind legs. High-steppin' sneaky like Snidely Whiplash.
Bundy wasn't from Idaho, but the militiatards who rallied around him came from all over, and a lot of those people seem to hang out in Idaho when they're not busy.
Tears are streaming down my face, for more than one reason. Since my ribs ache, too, it's OK.
Oh let's not stop there! Let's go for a tummyache!
Fair and balanced satire.
I never give anything but the complete troot.
Does it make you feel better or worse to know that it's pretty much the same thing in Canada? In any case, that's some good skewering there!
Oh, worse. What happened to you people? I'm not keeping track. I keep thinking Pierre Trudeau is still in charge.
I remember feeling terrified when Reagan got elected. "It's deja vu all over again."
I'm hoping they won't be able to accomplish much of anything.
Sigh. Our guvmint has similar leanings. Ministry for Science? Nah. We don't need it. Eventually they relented and tacked it on somewhere else.
Health care? Lets go down your model…
Women? Our testosterone laden Prime Minister can't think of anyone other than himself to represent us.
Sigh. And cringe. And sigh again.
I'm probably going to need to educate myself about your Prime Minister.
I'd like to read your opinion of him and his views.
So would I. Rather a lot.
Next bout of insomnia, I'll look 'im up.
I'm with you…I hope the Republicans have forgotten how to get anything done and the Tea Party keeps them tied up. It's a sad thing to admit, though. I want to be out demonstrating and stirring up protests and petitions and…. Wait. It's somebody else's turn. Someone younger. You young people write 'em, I'll sign 'em. For whatever that's worth.
I'll show up in the demonstrations, too. I will admit I've come to loathe the chants, though.
Considering that 18.9% (approximately) of the electorate voted them in makes me worry. Nobody gives a shit enough to elect a sane government (an oxymoron), but you encourage me by reminding me that most of them are ineffective anyway. Thanks for the reassurance!
Why am I here if not to paper over reality with hope?
You've been gazing into your crystal ball again Murr.
"I see interesting times ahead…."
And may we live in them! (Curses!)
I keep wondering…is there, perhaps, a connection between necrophilia and bombing the fuck out of them? And then I have another glass of wine…
I was just about to pour myself one. So I endorse your conclusion.
But, most people aren't paying attention: I still see bumper stickers that state Working People Vote Republican. You can't fix stupid.
Oh no. In YOUR dear state, Ol' Buzz? Doomed, ayup.
It would be funnier if it weren't so true. I'd really like to think that the results of the last election have more to do with rigging the game via gerrymandering and voter suppression than a proliferation of stupid. At least then there may be some hope that we can fix this.
And here's a bitter taste of what we can expect for the next 4 years: http://www.sltrib.com/news/2013118-155/utah-tar-sands-protesters-charged-with
Yet no charges for ol' Cliven Bundy and his buddies who pointed assault rifles at federal officers; and few charges for portly ATV riders who tore up public lands in some misguided show of patriotism. But by god, felonies all around for sane people who don't want the Koch brothers setting up shop in their backyards.
I just had a wonderful vision of a Koch brother or two in my backyard, coated with suet and rolled in seeds, and required to stand quietly with his arms out.
What?! No comments yet from Pat L?!! I was hoping to read her response to this post. I just hope they keep Obama care but lower its cost. It went up $40 a month this year. As a senior on limited income, I need it to be more affordable. But I am glad to have it after going 10 years without and without medical care.
Nuff said from one old lady!
I believe most of the reports say that Obamacare has slowed the rise in premiums in most cases, which is inevitable until we get single-payer. Believe it or not, mine went DOWN!