From: Ron
Subject: Your Blog unsubscribe!

Hi Ron, I don’t blame you. I set that whole blog subscription thing up a long time ago and you get those little emails every time I post, and you’re tired of it. Not only that, but you thought the blog was going in an Erma Bombeck direction and it turned out to be a libtard cesspool. The problem is, when I set up the subscription thingy, it was just sort of a handshake deal with the children who run the internet, and nobody sent me a manual. The promise was that it would all be automatic, and the children would take care of everything for us. Up until now, for the last ten years, that has been the case. No, sir, I don’t know the children personally, or I would certainly ring them up on your behalf.

Anyway, when you hit “Reply” on the email, it didn’t go to the smart children, it went to me, and I don’t have the ability to unsubscribe for you. However, you can do it yourself by clicking on the “unsubscribe” button at the bottom of the email.

Hope this helps.

From: Ron
Subject: Your Blog second request to unsubscribe!!

Hi Ron! Maybe it seems to you that I should be able to unsubscribe for you, but the trouble is it’s like calling up the FBI and complaining about the “dog down the street.” And then when they ask which street, answering “You know good and well which street, I’ve lived here all my life.” Everyone wants to help you, but they can’t.

The good news is you can shoot the dog yourself merely by scrolling down to the “unsubscribe” button and clicking on it.

From: Ron
Subject: Your Blog third request to unsubscribe!!!

Ronny baby! Try this. You click on the link. The link is the part that shows up in blue. It will say “unsubscribe now,” and that’s our clue that we’re in the vicinity of the email that is pertinent to our needs. Clicking means you maneuver your little arrow thingy over the blue part and press down. It will probably make a clicky noise. Just once should do it. If it doesn’t, click harder and numerously and maybe put a little fingernail into it.

Sir? Do you have a great-grandchild, or possibly a neighbor boy you’re grooming? See if you can entice him over to help. Maybe put out a bowl of those little hard strawberry candies. They love those.

No, no, believe me, sir, I totally understand your frustration. I’m no young thing myself, and I too have to get a little help every now and then. Ha ha! We can’t expect to be as adept at this kind of thing as the children who grew up with an ultrasound in the womb. Lit up their little wieners and everything. My land!

From: Ron
Subject: Your Blog fourth request to UNSUBSCRIBE!!!!

Oh! You are employing the caps lock key now, I see. By this, if I take your meaning right, you mean you were serious the first time you wrote, and you’re not playing around any longer, and perhaps my own computer has gone hard of hearing, or otherwise the issue would have been resolved by now.

The trouble is with something called Feedburner, which is the name of my blog subscription service. I don’t know how it works. It’s a widget, and widgets are easily spooked. You start messing with one widget, and the whole pack gets restless. I try to make as little noise as possible around them to keep the peace.

But my problems are no concern of yours, Ron, yes, I take your point. Okay, I’m going to try something old-school, if you’ll just bear with me a moment.

From: Ron

Please! Stop with the capital letters! I almost had Dobbin rounded up to hitch to your subscription and haul it away, and now he’s whickering over behind the water trough. Meemaw is flapping at him with her apron to get him back around but at this point we’re losing daylight.

From: Ron

All right, I didn’t want to have to bring out the big muskets, but I must tell you that Meemaw has been listening in on your phone conversations (one long, three shorts, am I right?) and she wants you to know she can ruin you right up to kingdom come and ain’t afraid to try, you filthy fopdoodle. Your move, sir.