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The dickens of it is that if there were any social medium I was likely to cotton to, it would be Twitter. True, I do like to write in complete sentences, but 140 characters are about all I can manage before I lose track of my idea anyway. Quips and gags that will never accrete into a blog post trickle through my head all day long, and I can tell because they leave little stains on my brainstem. Twitter could be a good spot to unload some.
I don’t even do blogging right, according to the experts. If you want to have a successful blog, meaning one that complete strangers will read without being threatened, you should put content in it once a day. Three times a week is an absolute minimum. Less than that and no one will bother to check in.
I realized right away that there were not going to be three posts a week. Two was my limit. If I put in three, two of them were likely to be half-assed, and I wanted fully-assed posts. My theory was that if I did my best job every time, people would come back and maybe tell their friends. They wouldn’t say “there’s nothing but crap in Murrmurrs, but at least there’s a fresh load of it! Let’s go take a look.” At least, that wouldn’t appeal to me.
I don’t do Facebook right either. In order to network on Facebook, you should be friending promiscuously and herding the droves to your special page. There is a huge worldwide community of writers who are casting enormous nets to entice other writers, who are trying to sell their own books, to buy their books. “F. Scott Futzwad is friends with Marlene Snarpwit and 2,087 other people,” it says on your home page. Shocked, you go to F. Scott’s wall and find messages from all his new friends. “Thank you for being my friend. Please like my book,” they say. It is not necessary, fortunately, to read their books in order to like them. Liking is just a matter of indicating a lack of hostility that can be accomplished in one keystroke. It’s a nanobyte of good will, is all it is.
And on all of these sites, you’re supposed to engage with your friends, followers, and commenters. There’s supposed to be a lot of back-and-forth. And that makes sense to me. Trouble is, I’ve never been a very avid correspondent. I’m good for a nice solid typed letter once a year at Christmastime and my friends could go decades without hearing from me by phone. I don’t have a cell phone at all and I won’t get one until I’ve perfected the ability to vocally simulate losing a signal in a tunnel. Sometimes I get a plaintive note from a friend who hasn’t heard from me in a while, and I’m genuinely surprised. Why, I smiled hard thinking of her just the other day–couldn’t she feel that?
Right here in Murrmurrs, it would be easier to respond to each comment in turn if I had one of those fancy systems where you can insert yourself into the conversation at any point you want. I tried to jam one of those systems into my blog once, but my template is old and has questionable digestion, and it ralphed the system right back up along with everything else it had eaten in the last year. The site looked barfy and it still smells a little. The alternative, as many have discovered, is to put in a comment whenever you get around to it and address the previous ten commenters by name, but who has that kind of time?
You do, dipshit. You’re retired.
But that’s not true. The people who can respond appropriately to all these people on the internet are those who are not yet retired. They’re working for a living in front of a computer screen, and they have a legitimate company spreadsheet laid out right underneath their Facebook page which they can summon up with one click, at the squeak of a boss’s shoe. I’m retired. There are entire mountains that need tromping on, and they don’t have so much as cell phone coverage. That’s what makes them extra beautiful.
Which means days can go by when I don’t even have the ability to check on my wonderful commenters. I’m a limp networker at best, and I’m sorry for that. But, although it may not be strictly logical, I like to think I’ve satisfied my blogging karma by being willing to be photographed making my ass look as big as it possibly can. “No, no, bend over and really stick it out there,” my neighbor Beth says, holding my camera, and I do it. I do it all for you.
Murr, you should market yourself more aggressively (nowadays it is not necessary to actually have anything to sell). You have a single word name Murr, like , you know, Madonna that's a good start. In our household we say, Murr would like that, I wonder what Murr would make of that? etc: Also anyone who can back up to a camera and make her arse look that big has got a lot of talent.
PS I am retired , no spreadsheets on my screen.
I think you have attained your goal (at least at our house) because when I see Murrmurrs come up on my reading list I jump up and down (not an easy feat for me) and say "let's go there first, it's always worth reading". Oh yes, and on any day, in any time zone, my ass is bigger than yours without even trying.
Yay! A fresh load of not-crap from Murr. Always a happy occasion. Plus a picture of lots of books. I would rather have your (too few, but I understand) well-written blog posts than the vomited stream-of-consciousness stuff that I end up deleting/unfriending from other bloggers or Facebook people.
The Blogger comment system is pathetic. Not that that's what your on about, but I'm just sayin.
I wonder who made up these arbitrary rules for blogging. I too smile big and know it's gonna be a good day when a Murr post shows up in Reader. I know I'll get a few smiles and maybe even a belly laugh. Cute butt, you can't help that. 🙂
"No, no, bend over and really stick it out there," my neighbor Beth says, holding my camera, and I do it. I do it all for you."
No greater love hath any blogger than to post a "does my butt look big in this flowered fabric" shot. Here's mine. I suggest, as a new blogger meme, a collection of these…for absolutely no reason whatsoever other than that we're retired and we can. It's either that, or I need to finally take a serious look at those job websites and friends don't let friends do such things.
I'll take quality over quantity any day, and your posts always ooze quality. Snortworthy, indeed.
I read some of your posts out loud to my husband when we both need a good laugh. You make ridiculous fun!
Oh, do let me in on that buttwide competition! I'll get a photo today.
Do you have a book to sell Murr? I would gladly pay money for your writing.
So that handsome chap administering the big-bottom-whipping is….? doing it for fun too?
Your blog's fine as it it, herding whole flocks of sheep and shoals of fish towards one's own pitiful little attempt at getting noticed gets so tiring.
A visit now and again, a follower or two, maybe a dozen comments that substitute a row of three-syllable words for the more common 'wow' and 'brilliant' and 'you make me tear up', ought to be enough foe anyone.
And yet . . .
I know, anvilcloud, right? It is horrible. But my sweet dear old-lady-wallpaper template Does Not Like Change.
mybabyjohn, wheee! Jumping up and down is one of my favorite things. To watch. Seeing a bunch of grown men jump up and down like when they win the World Series will cheer me up for hours.
Okay, the flowered-butt meme is ON. Nance, yours was lovely. And Friko, bottom-whipping? Horrors! He's just measuring. The whipping is strictly with the flat of hand.
Roxie, books in the pipeline. All right, not in the pipeline, but crowded up at the head of the culvert.
I follow one blogger who does post something nearly every day, and I find myself skipping a lot of that. It begins to feel like something I have to do. With you, I always know it's (A) either Wednesday or Saturday, or (2) it's some other day of the week, depending on whether there's a new Murr post on my Blogger dashboard. Since I still work for a (meager) living, I ought to know the difference between Wednesday and Saturday, though, and you're not helping me with that. Could you maybe be funniest on Wednesdays, when I usually need a boost to get me over the hump?
I've always enjoyed the wisdom-wrapped-in-humour of this blog. That and the fact you seemed happy to post photos of yourself in less than flattering poses.
But to join you, and many others, in an arse-shot contest?
Oh dear. I'm not sure I (or my derriere) can manage this. But I'll try!
And about comments…Wordpress blogs have comment space for each comment.I switched to WordPress when Blogger was having Beta tantrums.You could set up a blog and just keep it for practice before launching it into the world. Also, they will let you bring all your Blogger baggage if you want it.I hauled all my posts to WordPress and now have 5 years worth of (possibly readable) stuff.Have a look; you don't have to make the leap.
But Farcebook? Uh-uh. Not going there…
I am among the "readers aloud to others of snortworthy things"! Always a good day when there is a Murrmurr, whenever it shows up.
A smile spreads across my face when I realise there is a new Murrmurrs. And that is before I have opened/read it, when it gets bigger. (And I don't play Facebook or twitter either.) Thank you for being you. I don't know how I first found you, but am so glad I did.
From this point forward, I'll never get the image of Big Ass Brewster out of my head. Kinda like a Billy Joel song. Maybe it's good you only post twice a week as I'm not sure I can handle more than that.
You know of course that I'm only kidding. Right?
'I don't even do blogging right, according to the experts. If you want to have a successful blog … you should put content in it once a day. Three times a week is an absolute minimum. Less than that and no one will bother to check in."
You have 243 followers, so you clearly don't have to post 3+ times a week to be a successful, beloved blogger.
Never mind dumb rules, that's the first thing.
Enough of that damned humility is the second…….You are the BEST…..and you know it, we know it, anybody worth caring about knows it.
A Murr post, be it weekly or bi=weekly is a gift from the gods (and Murr)and we are grateful for whatever brilliant crumbs you wish to share with us.
Dammit, I am willing to wait patiently for whatever pearls you cast whenever. You are a treasure and we love you, Girl.
Hey, Ahab, I HAD 244 followers a week ago, so where is that lost lamb? Must go look. Fortunately, I know how many people actually visit, which is a whole different number.
Good idea, dinahmow. I could set up a mock site on WordPress and see what I think without telling anyone about it.
Mr. Charleston, I'd never tell a soul if you couldn't handle a bigger ass. I'm a lady that way. And if anyone needs me, Lo and I are getting a room.
This is completely OT, but I can't refrain from mentioning it, since you said, "The site looked barfy and it still smells a little."
My last oncologist but one (second of 4 in 5 years) was named Dr. Barfi, and she said she even kept her maiden name when she got married.
Isn't that a perfect name for a cancer doctor? Only wish she had been my doc during chemo. Guess ya can't have everything.
Well, maybe not everything, but there was a prominent urologist here in town named Dr. Harry Dick.
We had a podiatrist in town named Dr. Foote but that's not what I really wanted to say. To whit, I'm completely with Lo about never minding the dumb rules. Those rules are written (and show me the book, please) by people who never have anyone visiting their blogs except their mothers and someone wanting them to bank millions for Prince Owumbi of Botsgeria. No, Murr, you are doing just fine. When you are brilliantly just fine, I share you to my FB wall, spreading the love. I only have a select few friends because I run a tight ship there but hey, they get to know you've launched another good 'un. My friends dot the globe so you're getting a good international airing, m'dear.
As for butt shots: never. Ever since I overheard one of my lads telling his chum that we didn't need one of those painted plywood garden ladies (bending over with her polka dot undies showing) because "we have Mom", well, no camera is getting into my garden unless I'm holding it.
I always enjoy your posts. They make me laugh and believe you me, I can use a good laugh now and then. My blog is usually a once-a-week thing, and often nature photos or family fun included. Sometimes an article about something, like writing or Oregon history or cats….guess I am a patchwork blogger. I do not have many followers listed as many just check it once a week by bookmark. Keep writing. As I said before, you remind me of Erma Bombeck (I think you have to be over 50 to remember her).
Murr, it's always fun with you around. I have a bum shot on my post, too. It must be an unstated trend, like tophats and pedall pushers.
Murr, I've never met you, but thanks to the Zickster's blog, I found you, and I am a loyal follower. You do it all right, full-assed every time. If it weren't for you, I am not sure I would have 2 full-assed laughs per week, and I do not require comment-stroking.
And we're even friends on Facebook! The world is weird…
Personally, I prefer bloggers who only blog when they have something worth saying – which describes you perfectly!
Is that the new question, "does this blog make my butt look big?" The answer is No! I just looks rather floral.
There's a sea of crap out there, for sure. The internet has allowed everyone to be a writer, an author, an expert, a celeb within their tiny pool of family and friends. I applaud you. You not only have a huge amount of natural talent, you also put a huge effort into what you write. So my serious question for you is: What is your ultimate goal? A book? A blog with millions of adoring followers? Or is doing exactly what you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, with no thought of anything more? I do wonder that about you, because I'm in no way as talented as you, yet I have momentary delusions of grandeur. But you are the real deal, my dear, the real deal.
I have always wondered whether half-assed meant a half-sized ass or a single cheek.
Martha sees me on the computer and says, "Oh! Is there a new Murr?"
So it's already turning into a common noun. If there is a new Murr, I'm required to read it aloud. And so far as I know, she doesn't even peek at the florals.
"I do like to write in complete sentences, but 140 characters are about all I can manage before I lose track of my idea anyway. Quips and gags that will never accrete into a blog post trickle through my head all day long, and I can tell because they leave little stains on my brainstem. Twitter could be a good spot to unload some."
"Blog post trickle," what a good use for Twitter—a brain-dump! Perhaps doctor should be alerted to this. All those brain stem stains may be the cause of Alzheimer's…
Most Twitter sounds to me like what I'd say after two many beers and a burp!
Thanks again!
And we love you for what you do because when you do write it is invariably worth reading. Oh, and the bird (in the hand) in the photo, we call those 'whiskeyjacks' locally. Do you call them the same?
Most people call gray jays "camp robbers," but they call Clark's Nutcracker that too. Hey, I didn't think I was fishing for compliments with this post, but I'm getting a whole net-ful. Net! Get it? Thank you.
I started blogging because I was writing a book and had been informed that I needed a platform if I ever hoped to get it published. I didn't really know how to go about it, and sort of resented having to, but almost immediately I started having fun, and it really helped with all the other writing–sort of like high-fiber for the literary intestine. I did write that book (Miss Delivery: A Postal-Mortem), but couldn't get an agent interested in it. I'd already written a book of dinosaur poetry that also got ignored. Then I wrote a novel, and that's still in agent limbo, but now self-publishing seems like a good option. And I will have a Murrmurrs collection coming out.
I guess my goal as a blogger is to get enough of an audience to be able to more easily publish magazine essays or books as I write them. But having an audience at all is what pulls the writing out. One of my goals in writing this particular post is to apologize for not engaging people more in my comment section. Because I really, truly appreciate you all, even if I don't respond. Half-sized ass or a single cheek! Snort!
By virtue of the fact that you have more comments than you have time to respond to would indicate a successful blog and a successful life…win-win!
I think your two posts a week are definitely fully assed! And always a guaranteed smile! :o)
They're so much sweeter looking than their blue cousins.
Daily blogs read as if they were required homework assignments or something. You play with blogging by your own rules, and we are indeed the beneficiaries.
There are those who follow the rules and those who make the rules. Guess where you fit in that one?
I'm a relatively new follower, and have enjoyed every post. Look forward to them. I hadn't realized there was a schedule, so now I will look forward to Saturdays for one more reason!
And hon, if you think that butt is big, flowers or no, you ain't seen nothing………you are just a little ol' thing.
Also, (and I haven't read the 38 comments above so someone may have covered this), how annoying is it that there must be Rules?
I just want to write and blog and be occasionally read and that's IT. No rules.
There's enough rules in life already.
However this would be a GREAT tweet – 'Liking is just a matter of indicating a lack of hostility that can be accomplished in one keystroke.' Or is it too long? Sigh.
PS small ass, go eat some lard or sumting 😛
Your lack of participation in traditional networking sites is part of your charm. I enjoy reading your readers comments almost as much as I enjoy reading yours! You have developed your own unique following that appear to be brilliant relative to many I've seen on facebook. If you can't write something worth reading, please keep your fingers off the keys! Thanks for the smiles, Ms. Murr-and all of your faithful friends!
I'll just put in an eensy weensy comment that you can claim you overlooked since you didn't have your reading glasses on at the time and you thought it was just a large smudge on the screen.
Frankly, as much as I enjoy your posts, I don't think I could appreciate them as much if they came more frequently – they're meant to be savored & I just don't have time for that more than twice a week. Oh, & you're wrong – I don't have a spreadsheet ready to pull up at a moment's notice – it's an Access Database.
That picture's kinda hawt. Just sayin'…
Well, you now have 43 comments on this entry. I have been blogging for 12 years and have NEVER had more than 10 comments, and that almost never. Who decided there were "rules" for how to do blogging, Facebook or Twitter correctly? My idea is that I'm doing it for my enjoyment. If others read entries or friend me, great. If not, that's not what I"m there for. (And FWIW, I'm retired too)
(…and I blog daily too!)
Holy cow, WAS there blogging twelve years ago, Bev? You're a pioneer! Twelve years ago I think I was sieving out emails in two-minute batches on a pay-by-the-minute dial-up connection. Which was okay, since I didn't have a lot of spare time, what with feeding and grooming the dinosaurs and all.
I have found a new love! I can't say if it was those floral capris or the biting humor that lept off the page and smacked me in the face first. But why question it? Let's just go with it.
Hi Bill! Pretty sure it was the capris.
There's nothing but crap at my blog too, Murr. Especially this week. Crap and more crap. But hey, I do love your floweredy capris. And I'm gonna just say, they don't make your ass look that big. You might want to give it another shot.
Oh Murr, nobody does Karma like you. Now get those darn books out there–you know (from the real numbers) you've got gobs of fans waiting to read the hardcovers. 😉
Hi, I got here via DJan's blog. Happy reading! I have added your blog to my favorites list and will add it to my blogroll, also. Great to meet you, Murr!
Hey Murr,
First of all, your rear end is far from big. You couldn't make it look big at any angle! Seriously. Second, whatever you are doing is absolutely perfect because i LOVE reading your posts. I "do" social media for a living and try and teach people how to be authentic, real, etc. You have it DOWN. Honestly, I wish I could fly you down to some of my events to teach!
Lastly, I also have a blogger blog and I installed one of those fancy commenting widgets after a lot of swearing and sweat. If you ever need help and want one, I'd love to help 🙂
Keep up the amazing work!! <3
Amen to what you have posted here. Success is measured in many ways and I think that I was a stranger but came to your blog because I love the way you express yourself. Success, right? Who cares about daily? I'm just glad that we understand that retirees have a life! We live it as we will it if possible! Hurray!!
I laughed several times during this post. Funny. Twitter hates me and I hate Facebook. But I think I've figured out the whole "blog and respond to comments" thing. I'm not retired. I'm unemployed. I claim to be writing a book, so I can basically take an online break every 360 words. Then, when my husband comes home and asks me how my day was, I can say "good! I wrote for hours today."