Ten seconds before midnight January 1, 2004, my friend stubbed out his cigarette. “That’s it–that’s my last one,” he said.
“Oh, did you resolve to quit smoking in 2004?” I said.
“I resolved to quit smoking in 2003,” he said.
Let that be an inspiration to you. If you’re bound and determined to skin a cat, which I don’t endorse even though I could suggest some candidates, recognize that there is more than one way to do it. Too many people take a fundamentalist approach to setting personal goals. They’re operating on a pass/fail system under which they are invariably going to do damage to their self-esteem. Keep an open mind. The surest route to cultivating your self-worth is to lower your standards.
I’ve always had a sensible approach to New Year’s resolutions. I keep them reasonable and reachable so as not to disappoint myself. For instance, in my thirties, when evidence was stacking up that I could stand to drink a little less, I didn’t try to quit drinking. I decided to drink more slowly. And I did, for a while. But it wasn’t manageable. It was taking way too long to drink the amount I had in mind, and I kept falling asleep before I had the job done, so I had to abandon the effort. Similarly, I took up running in the Eighties, achieving greater and greater distances in spite of considerable suffering, but then I noticed that no matter how far I ran I always ended up back where I started, so I introduced efficiency by staying home and sitting quietly. This is not a failure: a supple mind is always willing to reassess. Before you commit yourself to painful self-improvement, ask yourself: can your problem be solved with bigger pants? You’re not going to stop gossiping, but can you train yourself to check the room behind you first? Or say you want to organize your closets. Can the same goal be achieved with accelerant and a match? Simplify.
People are motivated by the idea that they can improve themselves. But a lot of us are as good as we’re ever going to get. There is no need to be a better person and astonish your friends, when you can just swap out all your friends for a new, less sensitive set. Or restrict your social life to the blogosphere, where you can interact while sitting around the house in your underwear eating cookie dough with a spoon. Or find somebody who loves you just the way you are, and pay him.
Keep in mind that some things resolve on their own. I’ve lost ten pounds in the last two years. The food that I used to spoon off my chest now makes it all the way to the floor, and I don’t like to bend over.
Keep it achievable, and throw in something fun. This year I’d like to learn to nap more thoroughly, practice saying nice things to people who are exercising, and find the Higgs boson. A lot of times you find things when you quit looking for them, and it’s been years since I first started not looking for the Higgs boson, so I have reason for optimism. If it doesn’t pan out right away, I’ll look into buying a brand new Higgs boson, which is bound to make the old one turn up. I’m going to give all these resolutions a go until about May or so and then ease up. The world is coming to an end on December 21, according to the Mayans, and I’d like a little time to wind down. Maybe take up smoking.
Ever since I was in the military I have been a cursor. No, not the kind that runs around on your computer screen, the kind that says things like !*&$$#@, or dagnabbit! Each year I resolve to stop this unsavory habit and each year I fail. Oh, I'm good for a day or two but then I invariably drop my spaghetti onto my white shirt and there it is…. worse than Darin McGavin in Christmas Story.
Any advice?
Gosh, I am second in line on comments? Means I actually read your blog within the first hour of having been published.
Anyhoo–I am scaling down resolutions. Keeping them simple. Making sure I can remember them a month from now.
Herewith:
Shave my legs once a week, if needed–
Hmmm, thinking, thinking. NO, that's it. No other resolutions.
resolutions, smeshalutions, baaaa!
I must not have made one in a mighty long time, sure can't recall…however, recall is debatable for this ol'gal. One day at a time, heck, one second at a time…hmmmm, did I turn off the stove.? Heck, did I even turn it on?
Love your entries;) and your nesting t.
BlessYourHearts
I resolved to quit making resolutions once, and that's worked out nicely. Haven't had to think about it at all since.
I have no Will power, Will must have given it to someone else…hence, no resolve.
What? New Year? There was still a lot of wear left in the old one. Sure, it had a few holes and stains, but who's gonna notice? And if I get in an accident, they'll just cut it off anyway, so why go to the trouble and expense of putting on a nice new year just in case? Anyhow, 2012 has an election and the end of the world in it, so let's just put it off a little while longer, OK? No resolutions required for a while yet. Still working on the ends of 2011.
I don't make resolutions. I noticed that I never kept any of them, so what's the point.
Smoking? I recently joked with friends at a restaurant that I was going to take up smoking at 80 if I live that long. What's the harm? The waiter took me seriously and jumped all over me. Geeze….
I make resolutions intermittently over the course of the year with the same measure of non-success.
It sounds like such a cliche when written here but this really is a Great post. Love it.
Thank god for the internet. Otherwise I would have to put you in my pocket and my pants would look lumpy.
Excellent post, Murr! One of my favorites. My sweetie stopped smoking many years ago through a New Year's resolution. But he could only do it if he kept a pack of cigarettes in his pocket, so that he knew he was choosing not to smoke. That was 30 years ago, or so.
Mr. Charleston,
Here are a couple of ideas to help you stop cursing. Of course, you can always set up a fine for each curse word, say $1 each time, or you can wear a rubber band loosely around your wrist. Whenever you curse, snap it so that it stings a little on the inside of your wrist.
However, we clicker trainers tend to support rewarding positive efforts instead of punishing slips, so you might reward yourself with a small piece of candy or other small treat when you choose NOT to curse in a tense situation.
Believe it or not, even just saying to yourself, Good Job! or Well Done!, or You da MAN! when you choose civility really helps! (Do NOT berate yourself when you do curse, but ignore it. Reward yourself when you behave better!) You can even put a gold star on the calendar when you make it through an entire day without cursing, and after 5 stars (they need not be on consecutive days), treat yourself to a movie or a dinner or something satisfying as a reward. Civility will gradually build into a habit. Congratulations!
That's funny! At 11:59 I was deep in thought "I have it narrowed down to Wicket or Chewbacca, Wicket or Chewbacca (Leia? no not Leia), who captured the first AT-ST Walker on Endor…" It was for the win of Star Wars Trivial Pursuit. The clock turned, my brother-in-law popped a balloon, and I dropped a very loud F-bomb. Children were present. Great start to the new year, eh?
Murr, you're an inspiration as always. My new motto for 2012: If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Gotta go find my bigger pants.
And hey, Mr. Charleston – don't worry about it. At least you have the excuse of having been in the military. I'm not sure what mine is. 🙂
I think the fun way to approach Mr. Charleston's dilemma is to make up new exclamations and work them in until they're the new habit. My current favorite is "sweet whistling baby duck heads!" I don't know why.
Kat, you might as well start the new year with Truth In Packaging, no?
Steph, you have no idea HOW lumpy!
The only resolution I ever kept successfully was to gain weight. I no longer bother making resolutions, but I do manage to keep packing on the pounds, whether I want to or not.
"The Higgs boson is a hypothetical massive elementary particle that is predicted to exist by the Standard Model (SM) of particle physics." I resolve to be smarter this year and look up stuff I don't know. Thanks for that although now that I know what I don't know I still don't know what the hell it is.
But a lot of us are as good as we're ever going to get.
That is me to a T. Happy New Year and keep the humour coming at us.
I gave up on New Year's resolutions long ago. That said, I have broken myself of various bad habits over the years. How do I do it? Usually gradually. I'm not good at cold turkey — it usually just worsens things. My biggest triumph was nail-biting. I think I started biting my nails 10 minutes after my first tooth arrived. A young lady I knew was a manicurist and offered that getting my nails done was a great way to break that habit. I mentioned it to a friend who said "Oh hell, Kay! You're so cheap (I prefer 'frugal) biting your nails after a manicure would be like eating dollar bills!" It's been 10 years since my first manicure and I actually have pretty nails.
And I can tell that another bad habit is going to go by the wayside soon.
I quit smoking by telling myself i could smoke as many cigarettes i wanted but i just could NOT INHALE. after three weeks of sucking in foul tobacco smoke without inhaling it, cigarettes began to taste SO BAD to me that I just quit. couldn't stand the thought of another one. and all the other times I'd quit, i'd CRAVE a cigarette after dinner or with a drink! not this time. the idea still turns my stomach, and it's been 32 YEARS!
but that's it for my bad habits. i've kept all the rest and tamed them, and they're actually useful.
Bugger! I had just resolved to quit swearing and now you tell me I have no bloody hope?.
Does "bugger" count?
You just reminded me of the time I flew to London for my junior year abroad. I said to my seatmate something about having terrible body fatigue, and a woman leaned over from the other aisle and scolded me for saying "bloody," which I hadn't. "'Bloody' refers to the menstrual blood of the sacred Virgin Mary and a proper girl never uses that word," she said. I was not proper but in that case I was innocent, and I worried that it might be a very long year for me if I got a lecture every time I opened my mouth.
Kay, don't stop there. What bad habit?
XtremeE, I once tried to lose weight by not swallowing treats. Since the taste buds are in the mouth it would seem like a good possibility to suck on chocolate without swallowing, but that's when I found out that there is no pleasure at all until you swallow. Weird but true. Fortunately for my health, I was always afraid of throwing up.
You are hilarious and oh so right! Happy New Year! I'm off to say something nice to someone that is exercising.
I made a resolution to eat good food and have lots of sex. It's the fourth day and man am I sore. And full.
Full is good. Ahem.
You have just scared me again. Bloody is pretty clost to our National Word – perhaps as sacred as the emu and the kangaroo. Eeeuw.
@ Elephant's Child…at least down here we're unlikely to get the kind of mid-flight lecture poor Murr had to endure at 35,000' Maybe we all have Tourette's Syndrome? Bloody hell!
If it weren't for the principle of "goal modification" i'd have never achieved anything. Now, i'm off to search for the Higgs Boson… and hoping i can find my car keys accidently.
"Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual." Mark Twain
Yup.
I'm all over swapping out friends for a new/less sensitive set. Words to live by.
Thank you Murr!Words to live by"lower your standards".I quit smoking about ten years ago because I was as cool as I was going to get and I didn't need the help,also I have no other bad habits to give up(except maybe I'm way too modest…..naw!)
Thanks, Murr, now I feel better about just closing a door instead of actually cleaning a room. Unfortunately we're all living in the kitchen by now and could use Mr. Charleston's help with some descriptive adjectives to keep boundary lines between the sink and fridge from encroachment. Besides…true cursing is an art form…perhaps Mr. Charleston could sell tickets.
I avoid making resolutions as I hate feeling the disappointment at the end of the year. I prefer to say that I am thinking about doing something…Hmmm, I am thinking about learning to do ballet. If I do it, good. If not, no feeling unsuccessful.
Great, Rose. Now I'M thinking about you learning to do ballet. That's going to keep me up at night.
Barb, you're right. Anybody have any favorite choice curses?
Tiffin: MT. My man. If I can't be reincarnated as Mark Twain I'll probably settle for rubbing myself up on his gravestone.
After 32 comments, you're probably cross-eyed. Just saying I've had fun! Best in 2012! BJ
Murr–I could have been among the first commentors on this posting; but, as a physicist-gone-bad, I had to take the time to join in your intriguing quest. I promise you that there are no Higgs bosons laying about my house -zinging about, perhaps, but not laying where I could find them!
Cop Car
You are a gem. But I prefer Wheat Thins to Triscuits.
Having never tried a New Years resolution my self esteem remains undaunted. Now that you've explain how it all works maybe I should try one. 🙂
My best wishes to Dave. When I quit smoking in 2003, I found the American Lung Association's website and message board community very helpful.
I entirely agree that we should keep these resolutions under control. I have set the exact same one each year since my early twenties: Get goofier. I've never, ever missed my goal.
Are those your new Margaret Day undies?
You are giving your resoltuions until May? That's ambitious, I prefer to let them go in February.
Oh to spoon something off the floor! My weight loss programme starts in two weeks time. I decided not to jump in at midnight but to give myself some time to organise my cupboards for the 'big' event.