Kohler has developed a toilet that anticipates your every desire, because men simply do not spend enough time in the can as it is. It’s called the Numi and it can be yours for around six thousand dollars. It has a remote control.
The seat and lid open and shut on command. An extendable cleansing wand can be summoned at the appropriate time from the back end of the toilet to rinse your target area, followed by a quick blow-dry, which is exactly half as much fun as it sounds. User presets allow individuals to customize their personal target area position. There is an iPod jack on the remote in case you prefer musical accompaniment, and it comes pre-loaded, like a new wallet with a photo, with John Fogerty’s “Doo doo doo, looking out my back door.” There are three flush options, Number One, Number Two, and Nelly Bar The Door. A pop-out hemorrhoid abrader, conditioner and a light comb-through are optional. And if you look carefully in the back left corner, you will find the toothpick and the little tiny scissors attachment.
What disturbs me is the remote control. Already there are way too many remote controls in this house. Nothing we have seems to operate with fewer than two. The television has one remote for changing channels but we have to find the other remote to lower the volume and you still have to walk over to it to turn it on or off. We also have a stash of orphaned remote controls that do not operate anything, as far as we can tell, but they’re like mystery keys–we can’t throw them away. Decades ago I picked up something advertised as a “Universal Remote” with which I hoped to be able to operate my stereo, my CD player, my TV, my video player, and everything else. It’s possible I botched the electronic introductions required, but that sucker never did anything. Although I did not check the toilet seat. I may have misjudged the purpose of the Universal Remote, and if it turned up the spin on Venus, I didn’t notice.
The Japanese are the originators of excessive toilet technology. They live in a jiggly country, and the illusion of being in control of something is dear to them. They also put a premium on personal cleanliness and are enamored of technology in general, and the overachieving toilet is the happy product of those attributes. Here in America, the very same factors coupled with a less rigorous educational system resulted in the invention of the plastic doggy tennis-ball thrower.
I’m not accustomed to having to feel stupid while on the toilet. The toilet is one area in which I usually have everything well in hand. I may have courted catastrophe on the way to the toilet, but once I’m there, I’m usually good to go. I know what to do, and an instruction manual would only depress me. The toilet is where I go to get away from that. It’s just me, gravity, and a decent flapper valve. Sometimes things don’t work out, but I never have the sense that my toilet is looking askance at me, or that I have disappointed a fleet of engineers. If something goes wrong, I want to be able to fix it with a plunger and a little bleach. I don’t want to have to shut the whole thing down, wait thirty seconds, power it up again and cross my fingers. And I hoped to be years away from having to get a twenty-year-old to help me in the bathroom.
So I don’t think I’m going to be buying a Kohler Numi. But I am inspired by the effort it took to trot this baby out to market, and I’m working on a little invention of my own. It’s a bed pillow. It will have a revolving terrycloth drool strip and a built-in rapid eye movement detector that activates a subliminal recording. Mine will be set on Liam Neeson. In a kilt.
Hey, that little plastic doggie ball thrower is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Wham… throw that sucker 100 yards which gives the mutt twice, or in my case, three times the distance and exercise at half the effort on my part. I mean, something in this old man's life has to be effortless. The toilet sure as hell isn't.
Let me know when you have that pillow on the market.
Talk about attacking the wrong inconvenience instead of the real problems. Get me something that cleans the floor around the john — not to mention the athletes who never clean anything.
If I want music, I'll sing.
What happens when there's a power outage? (We get a lot of them here) That pillow is a sure-fire winner though, put me down for two.
If someone really did invent a pop-out hemorrhoid abrader, that someone should just be taken out and shot.
This qualifies as a bonafide Poop Post! I look forward to seeing it appear on your list. The way your mind works just leaves me in absolute awe, Murr. Fortunately for the world, you are totally unique! My life is enriched every time I finish reading one of your posts: no need to do sit-ups as my stomach muscles are very well worked out from laughing so hard. 🙂
"Your bottom wants to be happy, too" (Japanese toilet advertisement)
And the shower jet wand? The whole family uses the same one/ That sort of takes intimacy to a new level, doncha think?
The most important 10 minutes of my day. If you think not then try skipping a few days.
I need no electronics. I come with all the equipment I need to get the job done.
Back when I was younger and had a social life one of my friends pointed out that our little group always turned to poop jokes within about 30 minutes of getting together.
🙂 That was a lot of fun.
You are the bravest blogger in existence today. I'm not so much interested in the Numi as I am in the intestinal fortitude it takes to post a picture of oneself on the seat of ease. It's the process, not the product.
That and the shot of Neeson from "Rob Roy," because I really loved Tim Roth in it; fabulous performance of menace.
The thought of a new remote gets me hot! Is that a sword in Liam's scabbard or is he just glad to see you?
You ARE kidding about the John Fogerty, right?
L'empress, I sing in the shower, but I don't even like to open my mouth when I'm on the toilet. I think some kind of fume molecule will fly in there.
Mr. Charleston! I wish you a happy brand (spanking) New Year in the toilet. Maybe Oldfool can give you some tips.
Thank you, Djan! You know, I haven't added anything to the Poop or Political Poop posts in months. Maybe I should just let them slide?
The mind of Murr Brewster is a strange and wonderful place. You're right. Just what we need. Another device to make us feel stupid.
Oh how I can identify with the mystery remote problem! They hover around, useless but faintly accusatory–like I am being neglectful in not dealing with them.
If you want my Thumbprint Cookie recipe, let me know!
Scary times indeed. I notice that various charities are asking for disused mobile (cell) phones. Perhaps they could shift focus and ask for disused remotes as well. Way toooo many here. I am unable to think about a computerised toilet. It makes my eyes water and my brain spin. (Great post though).
Happy New Year!May 2012 be another brilliant year for you, Murr.The flow-on to your readers is incalculable.
(See…I resisted jokes about being flushed with success or standing orders…)
Well, if we can't build a better mousetrap… we can still build a smart toilet.
Yeah, but can the Numi swallow 20 golf balls? 5 Large Hot dogs? 56 Chicken Nuggets? or one pound of orange peels? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZeSxGYCDTk
Did I mention the mustard attachment?
Well, after getting all the newest poop on what's out there in new toilets, I can say they look better then the three-holer I had to use when I was kid, with pages from catalogs, yet. A cold draft up the backside (no, not beer, you urbanites) tended to concentrate your efforts.
Maybe we are all getting too soft.
There is way too much technology running around. makes me want to just walk out into the backyard and lift my kilt.
Good Lord!!! I can die now. I've seen everything.
too complicated for me!
So…Liam, uh lift that leg a little bit higher, higher,….so THAT'S what's under a kilt!!!! wink wink
At the Seoul airport, the woman's bathroom had perpetually clean toilet seat covers. Upon the flush, new plastic covers the slid out and around replacing the old. Wow… now that was a surprise but at least it didn't flush when I bent over to tie my shoes while sitting there. Jerry said they didn't have them in the men's bathroom. BTW – you are using what I have always thought was the best looking bathroom!
Well, it's Dave's bathroom. It's where he spends most of his time so he wanted it to be nice.
There's something terribly wrong with the mind of a person who'd invent a trapezoidal toilet. I'm sorry, but poop and geometry do not mix — just try cleaning up after that. Where's your customizable wand now, Kohler?
As for me, my programmable drool pillow will be set on Colin Firth, emerging from a pond.
Well, We just installed Kohler's Big Honkin' Man Toilet. It's adapted for men so the target area is bigger and the the whole thing sits taller with g-force flush.
Unfortunately, I had to give up using that particular bathroom because my feet won't touch the floor after I climb up on the monstrosity. Fortunately it's oval.
The iToilet you showcase here is square and looks like my washing machine. I hate laundry day as it is and don't need any surprises. (Funny post Murr)
We have traveled to Japan and have actually experienced superior Japanese toilet technology. No little detail is overlooked: like the little push-button gizmo on the wall you can press which plays an audio recording of a toilet flushing – literally a CYA sound effect to cover the sound of you, uh your, uh… well it saves water, let's just say that.
Conditioner and comb-through? If someone's nether-regions are THAT hairy, they should invest in an industrial strength shaver, not a toilet!
Here's something I don't understand: an iPod jack, as if the person on the throne will be there long enough to listen to music or a podcast for more than a few seconds. Maybe it's because I eat a healthy diet and have been blessed with a cooperative GI track, but I get my business done too quickly to have any use for an iPod there. If bathroom matters take so long that you have time for a musical interlude, you may need more roughage!
Catbird — Maybe it's for people with trapezoidal heineys?
If you have a trapezoidal heinie, you've really been sitting there too long. Ahab, maybe the music is for aural camouflage, like Robert says. David Sedaris revealed that he has met people who have caught their own poop in their hand to ease it into the water so no one hears them plop.
Catbird, maybe the square toilet is a nod to wombats?
Liam Neeson in a kilt… yum!
I never thought toilets could be so funny! :o)
Pretty soon we will lose the ability to wipe our own bums. Tragic!!
Ah, and when the thing needs repairs, as it will, who ya gonna call? A repairman from Japan? And what will that cost? I'll take the old loo any day 🙂
Well, there is a toilet that cleans the floor. It's a outdoor French toilet that some of the California cities were putting in around 1999. It cost me fifty cents to investigate one of Palo Alto's, which seemed expensive for the purpose but is but a dribble toward the enormity of the cost. Six hundred dollars for Kohler's? That's nothing next to this one. Nevertheless, it reminded me of dime-in-slot store toilets and the ladies you had to tip to be handed a paper towel. This enormity of a one-seater technological outhouse, lots bigger than my bathrooms combined, sits on a wide sidewalk at an intersection and is automated for everything mechanical, not just to accept your money, but a lot of more desirable features, including self-cleaning–the toilet, that is, and yes, the floor. After you leave, the door locks and the floor tips. Water blasts it and drains. At home, you'd call it a flood, but not something you really want to tip into the crawl space. Maybe a clean public toilet is worth fifty cents. http://www.flickr.com/photos/insmallspaces/3790364289/
I think encounters with the john should be the simplest dealings of our days. Go in (hopefully on time), tend to what needs to be addressed, do it, wipe, flush and then leave after having read a few items in Entertainment Weekly. I don't want to be dealing with electronics.
Sure, a toilet remote seems pointless at first, but think of how much time you'll save by having it open the lid before you get there. And as a bonus, you can have it play your choice of walking-to-the-toilet music.
I'm not sure how I've manage to get by all these years without one of these.
As the dung beetle said at the drive through window, I'll have a Number 2 to go, please.
Check out this beauty. http://inventorspot.com/gotta_go Now you can not only get your shit together, you can take it with you.
Also you need a warning sign on your blog and comments on other blogs "Reading this woman can cause coffee to squirt out your nose".
Oh, and while we're on the subject on bathroom business, may I recommend "Everybody Poops" by Bad Lip Reading? My apologies to fans of the Black Eyed Peas.