Never trust anyone on the right.

This public service announcement is brought to you by the news that all the big serial killers of history were born under the same four zodiac signs, Pisces, Gemini, Virgo, and Sagittarius, and if that doesn’t prove the stars have influence over our lives, I don’t know what does.

(Seriously, I don’t know what does.)

It’s true. I saw it in a meme. And all of them are on the far right side of the calendar, arranged as God intended, three months wide and four months deep. March, June, September, December. Gacy, Dahmer, Bundy, the Son of Sam. Right down the line.

I believe it. We Librans might feel homicidal from time to time but it never lasts long and by the time we’ve located the arsenic we’ve had time to consider the victim’s good points, or their mitigating circumstances, and then we decide to go bowling instead.

So I looked up all the really good people I could think of. Ghandi, born 10/2 (Libra!). Jimmy Carter, born 10/1 (Libra!). Holy cow! Both born on what might have been my birthday if only my mother hadn’t had me induced so I could get out of her and ultimately out of the house as soon as possible! That cannot be a coincidence!

(Yes, it can.)

Martin Luther King Jr.: January 15, or the nearest handy Monday, either way still solidly in Capricorn.

Mr. Rogers: Uh-oh. Totally a Pisces. Totally in a slasher neighborhood. Hmm.

Mother Teresa: Uh-oh. She’s a Virgo (well, we guessed that). But really—could all that humanitarian effort have been covering up a terrible secret hobby, like a dishtowel wimple over a wrinkled face?

I do know that where you land on the calendar is definitely not a matter of happenstance. I base this on the long-held observation that my favorite people are almost all born in December and April. I have so many December friends that they’re tipping the calendar down and to the right, possibly upending a Leo here and there, their little date squares toppling toward the darkest days of winter. It has to be true, because ever since I noticed it, if a friend tells me their birthday is in any of the other months, I immediately forget it.

I decided to “do my own research” on famous serial killers and their birth signs. Right away I found the original meme I saw on social media. It was right there in black and white (on purple). Just as I remembered. Also? There was a lot of information about the most prolific serial killers and their victims (lay low, Capricorn!), and Cancer, Pisces, Scorpio, and Sagittarius account for forty percent of serial killers while Gemini is at the bottom of the list. By a lot. My goodness. Was the creator of the meme possibly being selective about the data?

I don’t believe it. Because I saw that purple meme first and I stuck it in my bank of facts and it’s wedged in there good. Which means everything I read afterwards can be safely discarded. Besides, either way, those December babies are still the ones to watch out for.

Thank goodness they’re all friends of mine.