We are indebted to Mr. Michael L. Smith for advancing science in the field of bee sting excruciation, building on the previous work of Justin Ole “Holy” Schmidt. Mr. Smith had struggled for years to come up with suitable ground-breaking material for publishable research. The Schmidt Sting Pain Index had already been developed, allowing even laymen to reliably gauge exactly how much it sucked to be stung by any of 78 varieties of bee. What was not yet known, Mr. Smith realized in a flash of inspiration he likened to Watson’s and Crick’s discovery of the double-helix, was precisely how much more it sucked to be stung in different areas. Of the anatomy. (It had already been determined that bee stings in Saskatchewan are considerably easier to tolerate than bee stings in Panama.)
Peer reviewers noted that a flaw in Mr. Smith’s research is that it involved only a single subject (himself). Mr. Smith explained he had been unable to round up any bee sting volunteers, when an improbable 100% of his calls to friends and colleagues went straight to voice mail; and an early effort involving stinging a shaved cat was abandoned due to acute blood loss in the researcher. Mr. Smith defends his efforts, noting that the widely-accepted Schmidt Sting Pain Index also was tested on only a single subject, according to a representative of the estate of Ole Schmidt.
Mr. Smith’s methodology was precise. He used only guard bees from his own hives, identifying them by their stance. He picked them up with forceps, dropped them in a box, and used them immediately. Guard bees with a wide stance were assumed to be picking each other up.
Each bee was held by the wings and pressed against his body in one of 25 specific locations and held there for five seconds after sting penetration. Five stings per day were self-administered and rated on a 1-to-10 scale of pain until all 25 predetermined locations had been tested in a random order. The rotation was repeated twice more, for a total of three stings per location. Certain body parts required Mr. Smith to use a mirror and an erect posture during stinging. Mr. Smith’s youth worked in his favor; ease of erection was not deemed to be a factor.
The three body parts that experienced the least pain were the middle toe tip, the upper arm, and, not surprisingly in Mr. Smith’s case, the head. The most painful sting locations were the penis shaft, the upper lip, and the nostril. A sting in the nostril (8.3 out of 10 on the Smith index) produced sneezing, tears, copious flow of mucus, and the permanent departure of Mrs. Smith, who is reported to not be able to even handle any of this right now.
Conclusions are muted, as it has been pointed out that the new Smith Index of Bee Sting Pain Variability is reliably accurate in rating pain variability in Mr. Smith only, and may not apply generally, or to persons not in possession of a penis shaft. In an interview post-publication, Mr. Smith indicated he is in training to attempt a perfect 10 on the pain scale, a result he expects might be achieved if, under certain special circumstances, a single bee sting might be applied to the upper lip, nostril, and penis shaft at the same time.
We are indebted to faithful reader Kat Satnik for alerting us to this important scientific development.
ease of erection was not deemed to be a factor…..most painful sting locations were the penis shaft,…..the permanent departure of Mrs. Smith, who is reported to not be able to even handle any of this right now…..
Her reaction is not surprising given what seems to be the somewhat disquieting nature of Mr. Smith's fascination with this subject. Never mind qualifying for scientific publication — it seems to me that Mr. Smith has actually invented a new fetish, though one whose number of devotees is likely to remain tiny. While I support his right to whatever form of gratification appeals to him, he must realize that his indulgence is likely to remain a solitary one.
Oh, and I really don't think the bees are enjoying this.
We'd have to wire up the bees somehow to be sure. I'm guessing a certain small percentage of them might be aroused.
*Rolls eyes at Mr. Smith* What more does one have to know about bee stings, except that they fucking hurt?!! Who cares to what degree they hurt? How many bees must die (which they do, after they sting) so that this guy can practice his fetish? (And don't tell me he isn't turned on by this; how else to explain the erection? Sick fuck….
I'm not sure if you appreciate how hard it is (!) to come up with research that hasn't been done before.
Great…something more scientific research for the Republicans to make fun of!!
I believe he was self-funded, at least.
I'm utterly speechless!
Clearly Mr. Smith needs more juice to the head than a bee can supply; he could've just had electric shock therapy and been done with it.
Don't bees die only if they are removed from the stinging site before they "let go"? i.e. if their stinger is left behind?
Depends on the kind of bee. Honey bees are the only bees who always die after they sting. Their barbs are backward-facing, and as they pull out or are pulled out, they are disemboweled. Other bees and wasps have smooth barbs and can live to sting another day.
Ah, thanks for clarifying.
You know, if I get out of bed late enough, y'all have answered all the questions already, and I can go back to bed.
Ah, but then who would bring the sarcasm?
You know, I never think of myself as sarcastic. Why is that?
With apologies to Mimi, I don't think you use sarcasm, not in the comments anyway, which is what you referred to in your reply. According to a wikipedia article quoting Henry Watson Fowler, "The essence of sarcasm is the intention of giving pain by (ironical or other) bitter words." I would call your comments witty repartee. With an accent thingy on the second last "e" 🙂
… or, crap, not an accent thingy, according to the dictionary which I consulted one minute too late … too many years of French instruction, I guess 🙂
I'd have made the same mistake, but now that you made me look it up, yes: no accent. Because it comes from the French repartie. Huh. Anyway, I rarely intend to give pain except to people who will never read my stuff. Then it's Katie Bar The Door.
The minute I found this research I thought of you. Not sure what that means for either one of us…
The research really stands on its own, as does Mr. Smith.
I find myself hoping that a flight of kamikaze bees gang up on him and take him out, as they go out. Suicide bombers as it were…
I've been struck at the lack of sympathy for Mr. Smith, here. I kind of think of him as an itinerant beekeeper hoping to get in the annals (heh), a sad soul with only a rudimentary idea how to go about testing a hypothesis. The dude whose eighth grade science project keeps slumping onto the table because he doesn't use stout enough poster board.
Crikey! The things people do to themselves in their efforts to become published continue to amaze me.
Just sending query letters is dispiriting enough.
Not too happy about being stung in the eye area, personally.You have to admit that Mr Smith had a Masters and Johnson approach!
Dave got stung in the eyelid once. It was really something. Mr. Smith mostly had just the Johnson approach!
I don't even want to know what those "special circumstances" are.
Aside from that, why isn't this guy running for Congress already? He's obviously qualified.
I only wish there had been video.
So now when the doctors ask me about my pain on a one to ten scale I can tell them more precisely based on " The Schmidt Sting Pain Index".
"It's like a bee stung my scrotum, Doc. About a 7."
Now I'm wondering whether he experienced any swelling.
Considering the bee stings to the penis shaft, would that be circumcised or not ? It would make a difference you know.
Hey, did you read about the infant who got herpes from the man who did his circumcision because he…never mind. It was in the NY Times, though. Just never mind. Forget I even said anything.