In these tumultuous times, as a lame-duck president still walks free among us, it’s good to remember that any prick can be busted.
Medically speaking, this is known as Aubergine Sign. It’s not so much a sign as a honkin’ billboard. You’re not liable to miss it.
Let’s back up. The “meatus” is the hole at the bottom of the penis, or top (depending); it’s the drain hole, or nozzle (depending). And basically, if you’re a boy and you discover you have a vegetablus next to your meatus, you should already be at the doctor’s. You probably are.
The vegetable in question is an eggplant. If your penis looks like a stalk of Brussels sprouts, you’re dealing with an STD situation. If it looks swollen and purple and, in other words, a whole lot like an eggplant, you’ve broken your dick.
A boner contains no actual bone. If yours does, you might be a chimpanzee. What breaks when you break your boner is the Tunica Albuginea. This is the envelope that protects the three standard penis tubes. One of the tubes, the Corpus Spongiosum, shelters the wee-wee channel. The other two, the Corpora Carnosum, form the erector set. Tunica Albuginea is from the Latin for White Coat, which is who you should see if you bust it. Which, sometimes, is an audible event. Oh, snap!
How do you break the boner blanket? It’s not easy. Basically, you’re doing it wrong. Usually it involves some sort of rotational force on the penis during intercourse or masturbation. The medical article I consulted used the phrase “over-enthusiastic sex.” (It was written by a man. His name is Randy.) The injury results in swelling that quickly outstrips its desirability, followed by internal bleeding, causing the massive purple hematoma. There’s usually no shortage of available blood in the region at the time. In some areas of the Middle East, the injury is more common, due to a cultural practice called “tagaandan.” Don’t bother looking it up. It’s not in the Kama Sutra. It’s the practice of shoving your erect penis down so it doesn’t embarrass you in mixed company. No word how to protect your dignity when you’re screaming like a girl. Really, some countries should just get bigger pants.
One of the other relatively common injuries seen in the ER involves items stuck in the rectum. There is a protocol of bedside manner recommended in these cases in which a number of questions are asked of the patient, but not including “Did you shove something up your rectum?” Evidently a lot of the afflicted present complaining of constipation, or bloating, or back pain. I’m not sure why. This is no time to be coy. It’s not like the doctor isn’t going to figure it out during the extraction process (“coming clean”). But perhaps the root cause of discomfort does come as a surprise to the patient, who might not have been in a position to visually observe the goings-on, might not have been entirely sober at the time, and hasn’t yet noticed anything missing from his cupboard.
Both conditions merit a trip to the doctor. In the case of Eggplant Dick, be sure to snap a photo in the early, pre-purple stages. You might find someone you want to send it to later.
I don't think I want to know what inspired this deep dive into penile trivia. I know there's still a bloated dick in the White House but it seems like a bit of stretch to go from an oversized Cheeto to a traumatized eggplant.
Thanks to my Magic Slate mind, I no longer remember what made me veer into this subject. It's a protective life strategy.
Yowza, that's a lot of information for a Saturday morning.
It's Sunday in my world. I, as it happens, am not given to religious observance on this day of our week. So I found this amusing enough to spit (some of ) my wine.
As someone who actually has a dick, I always make a concerted effort not to be one since there are already way too many. With all this fresh information I will certainly be careful not to get crazy with it.
Have one, don't be one sounds like an excellent rule. For both genders though my sexist self does call people dicks and doesn't use the other phrase.
Actually, I'd want to know why it's okay to call a guy a dick, but people tend to just say "the C-word" or "a C-U-Next_Tuesday kinda gal" instead of calling someone a "cunt." I mean, it is what it is. …..Isn't it?
What we're missing here is that some words are funnier than others. "Dick" is funnier than "cock," for instance. We'll just stick with "love cave" for the other, for now.
I did hear that a man referred to it as his Man Cave. And I can never again imagine a man locking himself in his study with a bottle of JB or JW. Whatever…
I was thinking how easy it would be to go from lame duck to lame dick to an inordinate amount of internet research added to your unique sense of the absurd to bring us this piece of joy on a Saturday when not much is happening in the US except the Million Moron March in DC.
Well, this is definitely not a Home Forum essay….I was just coming in to tell you how much we liked your HF story and the photo of your darling grandchild on his quilt!
Glad you did, because now I can point out that that is not my darling grandchild! Somehow when I was approving the final copy I didn't notice the caption they put on there. I don't even have any children!
I worked in a emergency department. We had a guy come in with penile gangrene. He apparently tried to get it on with a vacuum cleaner and didn’t seek treatment when things went wrong.
Good thing he didn't try the crevice device, too.
geez Murr…I hope you didn't break something.
That would take skillz I don't have.
What I want to know is how the heck your brain ended up wandering into Penis Territory….
I don't remember–I think it just popped up.
You have a brain like no other…. Wish it was mine!
It's gonna take 3 days for my legs to uncross after reading this!
Better uncross soon, or you will suffer the agony of tagaandan!
The thrill of dicktory, the agony of tagaandan!
This almost makes me want to plant Aubergines just to see what might come up.
I finally did put one in this year, and the two fruits came up small and discolored.
That image made my Morning, I'm still laughing!
Good–just don't google the medical image. I spared you that.
I think Erasmus once wrote that anyone who believes God lacks a sense of humor has never considered the penis.
I've often thought the penis should bestow some humility on its owner but there's not a lot of evidence of that.
I thought I got my share of dicks with today's latest goin-ons in Washington, but apparently I had room for one more–because this was great! Just wanted to say hello, don't know how I got here but I'm now Follower #369
Welcome aboard! You probably took a wrong turn somewhere–that's how the rest of us got here.
Hmm. Impressive knowledge of the male anatomy…