All righty! I had alcohol, I had my emergency cyanide pill, and I sprayed WD-40 on my mute button. I was ready for the Republican Convention! From the schedule, it looked to be a barn-burner.

Politicians were in short supply. We’ve got appearances from random Americans who have publicly lost their shit in various patriotic ways. We’ve got authentic Trump spawn in various stages of infidelity and malfeasance. The stage is solemnified by a backdrop of an actual portion of the Border Wall knocked down by a Democrat derecho with help from a couple of bad immigrant drivers. Check out this awesome lineup:

A Pro-Life activist, escorted to the podium by armed militia at full bristle.

The Shamwow guy. I think it’s the Shamwow guy.

Famous Nazi rocker Skank Boy Willy, of Boy Willy and the Droolers, appearing without any Droolers out of fear of redundancy.

The kid who went viral taking a dump for Freedom on an Indian burial site.

An assortment of ladies with big titties, for spacers.

Nigra One, and

Nigra Two. Nigra Two is conservative Jack Brewer, former NFL safety who once called Trump the first Black president, but got an invite anyway. Mr. Brewer is facing charges of insider trading at the moment, which is kinda white of him.

Impeachment defense lawyer and bonus blonde Pam Bondi, castigating Biden for giving his son unfair advantage.

Irony, who declined to attend, citing family issues.

The Trump family members still in the will, including, oh, you know, that one son–what’s his name? I can never come up with his name–the dude that posed next to the dead elephant? The one whose face has a little glans at the bottom complete with jizz-hole? Vladimir Putzchin! He spoke.

And also his special friend, drag queen and Werewolf-American Kimberley Girlfeel, and her big decibels. She’s only got a little spot of leftover COVID but was plenty healthy enough to project it to the back of the room.

West Wing Hottie Ivanka portraying her father as a man with feelings for others, like never before reported by anyone, ever. Yes, it’s a scoop!

Funny-looking Trump Kid One, and

Funny-looking Trump Kid Two.

Anchor Bimbo Melania, who got citizenship through the so-called Einstein Genius visa; it was unclear if she submitted evidence of extraordinary abilities, or just submitted, but it is assumed her current husband supplied a testesmonial in her favor. Melania addressed the nation from the newly-scrubbed Rose Garden, for which she has received unfair criticism by those who did not realize how many of the previous crabapple trees had succumbed to an infestation of democrat cooties.

Trump himself has not been prevented from speaking all four days; and, of course,

God. God was unable to appear, but has sent a gift bag of hurricanes, floods, and wildfires to demonstrate his support for the Trump agenda.

Rudy Giuliani*

Chief Autocracy Liaison Yuri Sonovavich**

Election Fixer “Hangin’ Chad” Hackmeister**

    *if located

    **if unindicted

Well! Out of concern for my health, I didn’t catch the whole thing. I gather Kamala Harris is not quite Black enough to be allowed to describe herself as Black, but is plenty Black enough to bring her citizenship into question. I gather Joe Biden, famous for hating America, has been responsible for keeping things exactly the same for 47 years and is also about to swing radically toward communism.

Basically, it’s super scary out there. I gather we’re all just this close to living in a state of perpetual violence and anarchy; there was helpful video of that so we’d get the idea. The footage was from Spain, but, you know, it’s the same here.

Frankly I couldn’t hear much of it over all the hubbub from the M-13 gang next door, plus I was distracted by arsonists and looters–can’t swing a dead cat meme around here without hitting one of those. But the gist seems to be that things are really, really bad, darkness is on the face of the deep, and pretty much everywhere else–so, so much darkness! We’re in imminent danger of getting health care and other utopian conditions, and if we want to get things back to the way they were when Donald Trump first came to office, we should send him back for four more years, plus a life option or guarantee of future pardon. To safeguard our democracy.