The world cheered, got drunk, rolled its eyes, and blew things up this week at the news that Osama bin Laden may or may not have been killed by U.S. special forces or somebody else in a firefight involving helicopters rumored in any case to be black. He was killed along with, in back of, or near a woman whom he was using as a shield, or just using, who may have been a wife, a whole different wife, or a direct descendant of Jesus and Mary Magdalene. Mr. bin Laden is most often associated with the destruction of the twin towers in New York City, operating with trusted colleagues of his own for the glory of Allah, or with the corporate overlords of U.S. industry in conjunction with the ruling regime in Washington bent on control of oil-producing countries, using either fuel-laden aircraft or controlled demolition devices and missiles. His body was identified using DNA “evidence,” quickly denounced as fraudulent on its face by young-Earth believers, and phantom photographs. Reports persist that he is still at large, singing and swiveling his hips, and holed up in a cave in the mountains of Afghanistan, inside the Pakistan border, or in a secret bunker in Washington D.C. playing cribbage with Vince Foster. Opinion varies, but most agree with skeptics who have debunked the grainy images of bin Laden holding a current newspaper while stepping out of the Apollo moon lander, who point out that the wires in the original faked photographs are still visible.
Putative President Obama, in what is widely seen as a ploy to deflect attention from his possible Muslim faith, speaking either alone at a microphone or with the aid of instructions funneled to him via brain implants by his own handlers in Africa where he may or may not have been born fifty years ago, made the announcement at the White House while a crowd gathered outside on a grassy knoll. Elements of the vast right-wing conspiracy were uncharacteristically silent, fueling suspicion that they are in fact a clever shadow organization for the world-wide consortium of Jewish bankers. Meanwhile, a small but vocal contingent in Roswell, New Mexico deplored the news as an attempt to divert attention from the real threat.
All is on the up and up, according to administration spokesman J. Edgar Piltdown who, fingering a magnetic bracelet, snorting powdered tiger penis and anticipating an excellent evening, assured the press that God is on our side, in a rare point of agreement with the Muslim brotherhood, although the descriptions and location of the Almighty vary, and He has once again declined to comment. Most other Washington insiders are content to take Obama at his word, except for Justice Thomas, who has his doubts. Confirmation of the official version of events is not expected until a tally of tweets and chain emails is complete and an analysis is made of exclamation-point density. Polls show Americans are reassured that the story has been vetted by a guy who used to bowl with General Petraeus’s manicurist’s husband. Mr. bin Laden’s body, or the like, has indeed been buried at sea, which is either warming due to human activity, or isn’t.
Another fine piece of clap-trap. Do you work for Rupert Murdoch?
Thanks, once again, for the laughs, Murr. But powdered tiger penis? I thought it was all rhino horn in that part of the world?
Terrific. Well done. Made me smile ear to ear or some other location.
Yep, that's it. You nailed it. The State of the Union. Inspiring, isn't it?
The wittiest piece I've read all year. Perfect with my morning java. Kudos.
As you put it somewhere, it is snortworthy. I either liked it or I loved it. 🙂
I can neither confirm nor deny anything you purport. ; )
I think I saw Elvis playing cribbage with those guys.
Well, aliens really are the more imminent threat, aren't they?
Oh, Murr….to quote the Bard….
"How do I love thee…..let me count the ways….."
Or, to quote Tony, the Tiger…."You're GRRRRRREAT!
Incredible blog! That's quoting me….I try to be understated.
This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while, and all true, imagine that!
Once again, you amazingly and succinctly described our world in the USofA. Except for the Tiger Penis part….need to investigate that.
I think I spotted bin Laden's body as I walked along the beach this morning. Or maybe it was seaweed. No, I am sure it was Osama. Anyway a dog grabbed it and had a ball. Great stuff!
Don't forget that sometimes the President uses a (gasp!) TELEPROMPTER! Gawd only knows who posts stuff up there for him to read. Why do we have to have a President who can read from those things, anyhow? If My Pet Goat was good enough for W, it oughta be good enough for the rest of us.
I just found out that the "birthers" don't want to be called that any more… according to our ultra conservative/religious FaceBook friends, they now prefer being called "truthers".
Oh Lordy, Unintended Consequences Department: now Jerry's off investigating tiger penises. Yes, tiger penis, rhino horn, and any of a variety of large-mammal testicles will put lead in your pencil and, like extinction, last a long time.
"Truthers?" [ingesting rhino horn and grabbing crotch] Truth THIS.
And up in Canuckistan, we re-elected the android who may actually be a Dubya clone (no one can get close enough for a DNA test) but whose hair is definitely from discontinued Ken dolls. When I say "we", I don't mean all of we or even most of we because our electoral system was designed for two parties but we have four or maybe five so the Harperists pipped the rest of them at the post. The only good thing about our current P.M. is that he didn't say Obama bin Laden like several Amurcan newscasters did.
It has been a really odd week, hasn't it.
And don't think for a minute they were saying "Obama bin Laden" by accident.
Can't y'all go back to just having the Queen?
Murr, thank goodness we have her because she's the ultimate head of our state and she doesn't muck things up. The other guy, well, four more years…
I want a queen. That's all I want out of a leader. Not mucking things up. A Red Queen, perhaps. No wait.
I don't know if you are aware of this, but I believe that 99 out of 50 Americans cannot name your prime minister, or emperor, or premier, or poo-bah, or whatever he is.
If that's the state of the Union address, may we should change our national motto to "I'm not schizophrenic, and neither am I." (Yeah, I know that's a malapropism, all you psych majors.)
Oh and BTW, you can stop looking: OBL is happily snowboarding on Mount Catedral, just 12 miles from my house in Patagonia, accompanied by Adolph Hitler, who, incredibly, has just turned 122 and is STILL going strong, after all these years! They will be joined next week by Abraham Lincoln, whose assassination was simulated in the same studio where Neil Armstrong and his cronies faked the moonwalk.
A group here on my island studies all conspiracy theories. They need to read this. The group is called "Weird Wednesday". It meets on Thursday.
Please, let's just keep bowling out of this.
Murr- Spam-a-Rama alright! 😉
You are amazing, as always. I thought I saw Bin Laden's face in a slice of pizza I had (pepperoni and mushrooms, double cheese). So I didn't eat it. I'm trying to sell it on eBay.
Witty. A winner. I make it a point of not associating with r-w nuts, so I wonder how many of the "men/women-on-the-street" actually believe this kind of crap.
During the recent nine day wonder, every time my husband and I heard "breaking news" on the radio or TV, we asked one another, "Do you suppose Bin Laden is still dead?" And yup, sure enough, he still was! Wow, how profoundly informed we feel. Has anything happened anywhere else in the world in the meantime?
Considerate of the Seals to wait till after the wedding.
I love your title for this piece, Murr!
Before his unfortunate demise, wasn't bin Laden working with Jimmy Hoffa to organize a Middle East chapter of the United Brotherhood of Diabolical Extremists?
I so tried to work Jimmy Hoffa in this post, but he turned up missing.
You know, Murr, there's been a great gaping hole in my funny bone ever since Maureen Dowd of the NYT lost her sense of humor or her ability to manifest it in writing, or both. Many thanks for filling that gap. Or gape. Whatev. This is wicked brilliance!
REally. What happened to Maureen? Did St. Molly Ivins' passing create a giant sucking hole of humor?
It's all just crystal clear, isn't it? Crystal clear, in a thousand shades of grey.
It may be true that you can't fool all the people all the time, but a depressing number of them are ready to gobble up just about anything. Not your readers, though.
Wow…I had to really work to keep up with you on that one. I am not sure if the feeling is from the laughter or I am just dizzy.
That was great!
Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed the visit. 🙂
hmmmm… but you forgot about…. the Czech that was missing in the mail.
Thanks for clearing this up. I'd heard he'd gone off and joined a rock band with Elvis and Saddam Hussein