The Trump administration has announced the rollback of major provisions of the Obama-era Poison Apple Elimination Act, prompting outcry from progressives who hate freedom. “How can the Republicans be in favor of poison apples?” they demanded on the Senate floor. Majority leader Mitch McConnell’s cheeks plumped in an indulgent smile.
“The government should not be in charge of determining which apples are poison and which are not,” he explained tartly. “This is simple overreach. The market is perfectly capable of sorting out the apple situation.”
“That is absurd,” thundered Democratic Senator Jeff Merkley, exhibiting the first stages of flabbergastion. “It is entirely within the government’s purview to protect American citizens from poison in their food.”
McConnell had already left the chambers. “Hogwash,” he replied, through a spokesman who vouched for his familiarity with hogwash. “This entire bill has had the effect of damaging the Apple Pie industry. Democrats simply don’t trust Americans to choose their own fruit products.”
“Democrats Wage War On Apple Pie,” read the tabloid headline. Yellow-headed anchorettes from Fox News drummed the theme. Sources say the original Poison Apple Elimination Act was the brainchild of Democrat Senator Phil Necro after he was discovered trying to kiss a beautiful young woman who was already dead and in a casket. “I was merely trying to smell her lips to determine the cause of death so we can avoid this dreadful calamity in the future,” he said, shortly before resigning to spend more time with his family.
In an interview on Fox News, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan assured Democrats that this action should not be taken personally. “The President is merely trying to target waste in government by rolling back all legislation enacted between 2008 and 2016. It is not possible,” he said, “to conduct the careful review that Americans demand and expect while these laws are still on the books. They must be withdrawn before they can demonstrate any effects.”
Democratic leaders met behind closed doors with speechwriters and polling experts to speculate on how they had become the anti-apple-pie party. It was agreed that nothing good could come of pointing out that Republican Rep. Morguetrotter had been caught in exactly the same situation as Senator Necro without suffering reprimand of any kind from his party. “I can hear it now,” groused the consultant from Public Relations, adopting a mocking tone. “What Mr. Morguetrotter does in his free time is not something the American people care about. And unlike his Democrat counterpart, he didn’t introduce needless job-killing legislation that hamstrings the apple pie industry. In fact, the congressman is proud to say he didn’t do anything at all.”
“We can go ahead and let that Morguetrotter business play out on Facebook, as usual,” the consultant went on, “but our constituents don’t spread ‘gotcha’ memes like that as much. They’re too wrapped up in climate change and civil rights issues.”
“As well they should be,” Merkley snapped. “Did you see that massive giveaway to the coal industry those assholes are cooking up now? They’re pulling us out of solar and wind until they’ve taken down all the mountains in Kentucky.”
The consultant riffled the papers in front of him, and stabbed a finger at one page. “Ah. Here it is. The Heritage Emissions Protection Act?”
Merkley lowered his head to his desk and began to pound slowly.
“Thing is, they keep funneling all the money to their wealthy cronies while ginning up all these controversies to distract us. Like that NFL taking-a-knee fiasco. How did that peaceful protest get to be a dig at our armed forces? How did we lose control of that story? It’s utter bullshit.”
“I know! Let’s do it their way! ‘Republicans take stand against jobs and American workers’ rights by demanding that professional players exercising freedom of speech be removed from the football field.'”
“I’m on it,” said an aide, tapping away at his phone.
“Fake News!” the President tweeted twelve hours later. “Nobody loves field Negroes as much as Republicans do. Believe me.”
That tweet should clear things up; Trump is always brilliant with his tweeting!!
Very shiny, yes.
Oh Lordy me….just don't know whether to laugh or cry. A bit of both, I guess.
It could happen. You know it could.
Your usual brilliance. We need a new emoji – one that combines laughter, tears, and incoherent rage. I mentioned that on the Facebook recently and someone sent me a puking emoji that sorta does the trick.
Someone sent me a text with an emoji and I had to take my glasses off and hold it up to the window to see it was a fish on a hook. These things are getting too fancy.
What Sarah said works well.
NO PUKING EMOJIS! Emojii?
Meanwhile, pity the poor former MLB knuckleball pitcher, Phil Niekro, who will now be forever associated with necrophilia in my mind! 🙂
He's been on my mind too, and I'm sorry for that. I sure never thought of it before.
Huh? What? You all are going back to the dark ages? With the pesticide spraying and having to wash every damn thing your fingers might come in touch with and hope the apple pie you've made for dessert doesn't cause any tummy upsets?
I wish so much that Trumpster could be stopped somehow.
As far as I'm concerned the only way you can really mess up apple pie is with nutmeg.
It continues to boggle my mind how Trump keeps saying blatantly untrue things and has no shame about it and won't be corrected on it – just refuses to listen. I read somewhere about a year ago that studies have actually shown that repeating something – even if it's not true – increases the likelihood of people believing it. Even mentioning it in an attempt to dispute it will have this effect, to cement it even more firmly as truth in readers' minds.
Well, some readers' minds. I think the readers here (and the writer) have better minds than that.
"Blah blah blah."
"That's not true."
"I don't care. It could be true."
I saw a clip recently that explains he's telling the truth, because he says, "Millions of people agree that…" or "A lot of people believe that…" or "Many, many people have said that…" — which, oddly, may actually be true statements. All the more devastating. WHY IS THE IMPEACHMENT TAKING SO LONG?!?!?!?!
I'm not sure I'll be satisfied until he's in jail somewhere. Which is highly unlikely. But shoot. It's compassionate. It's not the Guillotine.
Why aren't you writing for the Daily Show or Stephen Colbert? This brilliant satire needs to go far and wide.
Thanks! I don't have the secret to attaining a big audience. You all are in a very select group!
I'm waiting for a declaration that slavery is okay again since we're regressing at a phenomenal rate.
We've still got migrant workers and prisoners for that…
I hesitate to share it only because you KNOW it's going to go over some orange-loving heads and be taken as "real" fake news! Wouldn't want to increase your troll list!
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