One of these is not like the others.
I’m not sure how much worse my teeth would have to look before I Did Something About It. They’re pretty scary. They were already dreadful when people started whitening their teeth, and that made it all worse by comparison. Until then, tooth beigeness hadn’t even registered as a fault in my mind. These days, people don’t know what to make of you if you can’t use your own smile as a flashlight, in a pinch.
But I’m feeling a lot better about it all, now that I’ve read that everyone has the same teeth, and it’s kind of creepy (according to the Washington Post). Apparently everyone in Hollywood and a large swath of everyone else, even the ones with fantastic smiles, have discovered their teeth are unacceptable. Whitening alone won’t cut it: you can get them to hold their own against a line of cocaine but that is no longer good enough. There’s a new standard. Fortunately, you can achieve it with a bunch of money. Somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 should do the trick.
The problem is that all the smiles look exactly alike, and it’s skeeving people out. My teeth are old-school creepy. Not Stepford-Wives creepy.
So, just as my lack of tattoos sets me apart, so too does my obviously unimproved toothage. Clearly I’m not trying to pull anything over on anybody. My mouth is a mob scene, but it has authenticity.
Most people have straightened their pearlies or they had a pretty good set to begin with. Not me. If teeth are supposed to be lined up like soldiers at attention, mine are more like a bunch of postal workers who just found out there are donuts in the break room.
They’re in full stampede.
Sure, there are issues beyond the aesthetic. The last time the dentist put that piece of plastic in my mouth and had me bite down to see where my teeth actually met up—it should show a nice arc—there were two tiny dots corresponding to points on my back molars. And I can’t just bite down, either. I have to physically move my cheeks out of the way. Basically, I can chew with my rear left molars, and then move my whole lower jaw to get my right molars in the game. Never all of them at once. Also? I can stick my tongue all the way out of my mouth through clenched teeth.
My central incisors have been in a race for the exit for decades now, but the left one has pulled ahead decidedly. It is now reclining on my lower lip like it’s waiting for my chin hairs to throw rose petals.
So if I want to masticate something, I can nip at it a little with the front teeth, and then I send it to the left side for a little discipline. Then it’s down the hatch, too early by Dave’s standards. Dave chews applesauce. You’re supposed to do a lot of initial digestion in the mouth. I do not. I just get everything small enough that it won’t get stuck. My digestive tract does not mind. My digestive tract gets a lot more exercise than other people’s and as a consequence it is not bored and it produces proper excrement with enthusiasm.
But not only do people, famous and otherwise, “fix” their smiles even when they’re already perfect, but there is a specific ideal look, and now everyone important has it. Your teeth should look like dentures you’d never find if they dropped in the snow. Your front teeth are naturally supposed to be a little larger than your lateral incisors: but that won’t do. They must be identically large. Your gum line needs work, probably, just a little carving away with a scalpel. You should have porcelain veneers cemented onto your teeth. They’ll have to shave off some of your enamel first, which won’t grow back, and yes, that’s there to protect your tooth’s root, but odds are good your teeth won’t rot out, at least not all of them, at least not right away. And yeah, you’ll need to replace the veneers every fifteen years or so, after a little more enamel is pared off. You know, your roots are probably going to be fine. Don’t worry about your roots.
So I’m feeling better about this whole situation. It’s not great that I’m a little embarrassed by my teeth. But think of how much worse it would be if I had great teeth and was still embarrassed.
My parents spent huge amounts of money on my older siblings’ teeth. Braces, new front teeth for my sister after she broke her upper incisors off, wisdom teeth removed.
Me, they let our pediatric dentist remove four permanent teeth from the front of my mouth apparently to make room for my wisdom teeth which no one but me, various dentists, oral hygienists and a few doctors who asked me to say “Ah” have ever seen. I’m sure that guy (the pediatric dentist) is dead by now, but he’s on the list of people I’d like to have some words with.
Not sure my younger sister ever had work done on her teeth. She’s the beauty in our bunch, just as nature intended.
My dentist was after me to get gum grafts because of the horrible gum recession. I did some research, found out what it was going to cost, talked to people who’d had it done and said nuh uh.
Never had my teeth whitened. I’ve seen people whose teeth were as orange as beaver incisors. Also seen people with black teeth. A friend has gray teeth. Not sure if she goes to the dentist, but maybe she’s saving that money for her eyelash extensions.
As long as my teeth don’t fall out and keep working, I’m good with that. I just wish I didn’t bite myself so regularly.
So… who would you prefer to bite you? 😉
Although I go to the dentist twice a year for a cleaning and exam, it’s only recently that it seems most every dentist around here has instituted a policy where you MUST have a yearly x-ray. Previously, I would pass for several years running and have to sign a paper removing them of liability if they didn’t find something dire in time to fix it. Not the case anymore.
I had three wisdom teeth taken out (not all at once) and only when they became impacted or were growing in sideways. I still have one baby tooth with no permanent tooth under it. I call it my childish tooth. It explains a lot.
I have slightly receding gums, but I use a toothpaste for sensitive teeth and gums, otherwise cold foods/beverages would be painful. No way I can afford gum grafts. They always say stuff like, “We’ll keep an eye on it…. It is better to have the tooth crowned now rather than when it cracks…. Yaddayaddayadda.” I’m pushin’ 70. I don’t have the kind of money for POTENTIAL problems. Have enough REAL ones to spend cash on.
Wait a minute. Beaver teeth? How about NUTRIA TEETH? Oh, the horror!
Equally orange
The line about the postal workers and donuts got an audible chuckle out of me. Murre, you’re beautiful, straight teeth or postal.
Imma pm you.
What is it with these chewers? My husband chews jello and ice cream. Audibly. Although not at the same time. He’s not a complete heathen.
Oh, I lost consciousness there a little after “audibly.” I think this is the reason people eat together: if you’re eating too, you can’t hear the loud chewers. Otherwise, divorce time.
This is ironic; not even an hour ago, I was sitting here on my couch browsing the Roku Channel and clicked on a 70’s tv show I absolutely hated when I was a teen, “Eight is Enough”. (It’s still the pits, but at least the clothes & hair & constant telephone rings make for a nice time capsule.) Anyway–I was sitting here earlier thinking “Wow–half of the cast on this show have some pretty shitty teeth–BY TODAYS STANDARDS.” PS I just had a consult with an oral surgeon earlier in the week to get an implant bridge for 3 missing left molars. Cost: $9,000! Oh well, it sure as hell beats dentures!!
Three missing? Are they all on the same level? As long as you can get two to line up you’re golden. (Or beige.)
Thanks Murr, yes they’re all in the same spot (#17, 18, 19) and my dentist did say I only needed 17 & 18, but the oral surgeon says if I got 19 it would only be 1K more to have a suspended tooth between the 2 implants. Dentist still says it’s unnecessary but 2 implants will cost 9K. Sorry for sharing all dat.
I am rather amazed at the number of women friends I have who have had implants and it has been a sort of horror show for some (in addition to the price). Apparently if you have osteoporosis, as these women do, you have to deal with issues of the bone in the jaw over time not being able to hold the peg or whatever. I am grateful to have an old-line dentist, almost as old as me, who doesn’t push that, like so many dentists seem to these days. I lost a large gold crown a couple of months ago and even though the tooth above the gum line is 3/4 gone, he will be installing my new crown this week, after talking me out of just pulling the tooth because an empty space means the teeth move around which can create a variety of problems. Not exactly cheap but way cheaper than implants. I do also have an old standard permanent bridge for a tooth I lost some years ago which has never caused a bit of a problem. Never regretted passing on the implant.
And just as an aside, I learned that the reason the “sensitive” toothpastes work is that the ingredient in them which is some sort of nitrate (although they all also have fluoride) actually rebuilds and strengthens the enamel over the little corridors for the nerves in the teeth and the other living elements that keep the tooth alive. Any toothpaste that has that nitrate in it will work, not just the Sensodyne or Pronamel. Colgate has one that is lot cheaper, although you have to look for it sometimes. And my previous “geriatric only” dentist advised never to use any tooth whitening product as it wears away the enamel. Sort of at odds with the sensitive teeth issue.
Thanks for the tips, Leslie!
I use a beigener.
I want to see the people with perfect, scary teeth that all look the same.
Maybe I need to get a new WaPo subscription. I canceled mine when Bezos decided they wouldn’t endorse a candidate.
I did too, but it continues until November, at which point I’ll probably (they figure) forget my pique, and also I’d lose my recipes I’ve saved. They’ll get me coming and going.
Can’t you just print the recipes that you want to keep or put them in a file on your computer?
Hey, now, there’s a plan.
Not a mention of snaggletooth! Or buckteeth! C’mon, get with the program! My dad was an endodontist for 50 years. He saved thousands of teeth from extraction. Irony is that in the last years of his life he had all of his pulled—I can only figure he was too cheap to get implants and settled for dentures. Not an endorsement from where I sit.
More “bucks teeth,” from where I sit.
My grandmother had all of her teeth removed when she was in her mid twenties. I don’t know all the circumstances, but she probably had the gum recession that my mom and I developed at young ages and the pain was incredible.
The story was that she went to her dentist and told him to pull out all of her teeth. He refused and finally told her to go home and think about it. She was back the next morning and that was that.
I use desensitizing toothpaste and take so much analgesic these days for arthritis that I don’t feel any tooth pain. But do have recurring pain from maxillary sinus infections which feels like a tooth going bad.
In my early 20s, I needed to have a crown made for a front tooth. Over the decades, the surrounding front teeth succumbed to the natural aging process and got a bit, well, yellowish. I used to call my noticeable white crown my “chiclet.” I wasn’t really self conscious about it until I was videotaped as part of a training program on public speaking. That damn chiclet stuck out so brightly in the video that the “free” training I got through my job cost me several thousand dollars to get the rest of my front teeth capped to match.
DID THEY SHAVE OFF ENAMEL?
Close, but more like the dentist chiseled (bzzzzz) each of the front teeth into a stub onto which the new matching teeth covers were attached. This was more than 20 years ago, and they still work and look fine. Mercifully, it is rare that anyone other than a dentist would see my bottom teeth, which more decades of coffee and such have taken their toll.
My older sister broke her two front teeth falling off her bicycle and had them capped. A cap fell off at least once and I remember her being in tears over it. I don’t know if it hurt or if she had been lectured on their cost.
Just as in your case, her two front teeth remain brighter than the surrounding teeth fifty years later.
Only one of my teeth is relatively bright. The one that sticks out and gets all the sun.
Oh, you had me at “Dave chews applesauce “. Had to wipe coffee spit off my screen…
Dave DOES chew applesauce. And pudding.
Historically, as a younger man, Dave was a complete pain in the ass to his coworkers and anyone else who had to travel with him because he not only had to eat every two hours (rocket-fueled metabolism) but he chewed everything to liquid. Hours would go by.
I was mad when Cher got rid of her snaggletooth. I have one just like it.
And she stuck big lips over it too. I saw a headline (in German) once on her birthday that read: “Parts of Cher turn sixty.”