Some little girl stumbled over a remarkable fossil in India. It is believed to be the biggest snake that ever existed, as long as fifty feet between the pointy ends. Which is a lot of snake. The good news, for the easily freaked out, is that it was probably one of your fatter stubbier snakes, and those tend to be not as zippy. They just sit around sniffing things until something gets close enough to nab. That might not be reassuring, I don’t know.

They had to extrapolate to come up with their fifty feet. They found only 27 vertebrae and some snakes can have over six hundred: 450 in the body and over 200 in the tail. Which was startling to me. I tend to think of snakes as being all tail. But of course they’re not. Snake skeletons have pelvis remnants, but you have to know to look for them; you never hear of a snake described as wide through the hips. Alternatively, you can just check where the poop comes out, and everything south of there is tail.

Assuming you have just a skeleton and want to know where the body leaves off and the tail begins, which hardly anyone ever does, it’s at the point where there are no longer any ribs.

And if you just have the middle bits, how do you know you have a fossil snake and not, say, a prehistoric dachshund? They could be much bigger than the current version, after all. Many animals that aren’t horses were much larger in earlier times. Sloths, for instance. Or cockroaches. But the experts are definitively fingering the snake cohort. Snakes have a special extra joint between their vertebrae which allow the bones to go up and down and back and forth but not rotate against each other, so the snake doesn’t kink up like a hose. My own spine can also bend every which way so I’m not sure what the big deal is, but maybe my spine isn’t long enough to kink.

In fact, my spine isn’t long enough for a lot of things. Basically, it keeps my head off my butt.

Speaking of my head, I have long been cautioned not to eat anything bigger than it. But snakes are totally allowed to. They can swallow prey altogether bigger than they are, and then they just have to move it on through and chemically digest the thing because they don’t have molars. It looks horribly uncomfortable to me, like if I swallowed a sofa, but there are probably advantages to eating something so large you don’t need to bother again for a good long while. There can be problems, however. If it takes too long to motor your wildebeest down your food tube, it could putrefy before you can get it to your anus, and gas up, and then you’re in nine kinds of trouble. If you see a large snake with a gigantic bolus that looks unusually active, like it might go off, run even faster than you would have.

To avoid this, pit vipers start out by injecting venom into their prey which not only calms it down but turns its insides into an apathetic goo.

Hips or no, snakes do a fine job of getting around without any legs, because their belly scales are just grabby enough to get a purchase on things and then all the southward bits can catch up. Legs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be, anyway. A friend who was watching me go full-out running for third base once said to Dave, “I don’t get it. Everything’s moving, but nothing’s going forward.” Most if not all snakes move faster than I do.

I do get a little extra pep in my step when I get surprised by one, though.