I will admit that my first thought, after reading that someone was arrested in Yellowstone Park for kicking a bison, was that it had to be a man. Hundred percent. And it isn’t just because the average woman can’t kick as hard. A woman who kicks a bison is having a horrible day in an endless stream of horrible days of being used, and abused, and otherwise dismissed to the degree that her very existence needs to be asserted by a rash yet ineffective display of pique. And she judges her odds against the bison favorable compared to her odds against almost anyone else.

The man, on the other hand, merely needs to be drunk and think the bison is giving him the side-eye.

The bison is giving him the side-eye. That’s what they do.

Incidents of human death or injury from wild animals in Yellowstone Park are quite rare, not nearly common enough to do any real good. Many people are disinclined to think of such animals as wild. After all, there are parking lots nearby. And they had to pay $35 to get in the park through any one of five entrances, clearly defining the area. And they have cell phones and you can’t get a selfie with an animal unless you’re right close to it with your back turned.

Yet, wild they are. And although most of the wildlife in Yellowstone is shy, and perhaps accustomed to people, that does not mean it is without opinions.

Yes, the recent arrestee is a man, and yes he was drunk. And, in a development that is no surprise at all, he is an Idaho man. The Idaho Man is a close cousin to the Florida Man, without the pythons or alligators, but with the same utterly unearned sense of superiority. He’s white as hell. The Idaho Man might regard a bison herd as something taking up real estate he might otherwise use to run his cattle all over without the government’s permission. The Idaho Man is likely at any time to use the phrase “We the People” as the object of a sentence but he’s the only non-fetal People he cares about. You can take your precious prairie-chicken and shove it.

When I was much younger I made the mistake of getting extremely close to an elk in rut. It looked like a big pointy cow to me and a number of other spectators, and inasmuch as it was not only in rut but in another elk at the time, we all felt safe enough. He was busy. Still, it was not a prudent move.

Wildlife harassment by tourists is on the uptick, with social media making it more visible and, I would say, more inevitable. The YouTube beast is hungry. But bison are not stealth attackers. They usually announce their disgruntlement with snorting and stamping and, especially, tail posture. If a bison’s tail is down, it’s happy. If it’s sticking straight out the back it’s thinking you might need a little goring. If it’s straight up in the air and shaped like a question mark, it’s thinking you definitely need a little goring. If it’s more of a parenthesis, it’s going to poop. Even an Idaho man should be able to interpret this.

And bison are not the only potentially dangerous animals in the park. Even bighorn sheep have been reported to ram the occasional aggressive visitor. You pays your $35, and you takes your choice.

It’s Push v. Gore all over again.