We get plenty of warning that a cold-weather event is on the way. There’s plenty of time to prepare. One can anticipate power outages and stack up containers of drinking water. One can make sure one has batteries and a working flashlight. One can theoretically buy a generator and be the rumbling, roaring envy of the neighborhood.

I don’t do any of those things. All I think about is how to keep my birds going.

The seed feeders are full but I forgot that my bird bath de-icer broke last year. Still, the birds I’m most concerned about are the hummingbirds. Hummingbirds are energy hogs. They’re going all day long to stay alive and spend the night so metabolically reduced that they’re close to dead. At dawn they light out for the nectar feeders, all dwindly, with their last ember of life, and lore holds that if they don’t get their morning juice they will drop out of the sky and land beak-first in the snow, like fluffy popsicles. I don’t know if it’s so, but I don’t want to risk it.

I’ve never been a breakfast person myself. I don’t even eat until I’ve been up for a few hours. Clearly my own torrid activity level can be maintained on coffee and air. But I do recognize that we are not all alike, and if hummingbirds are going to be all fuss-and-drama about their breakfast, I need to make sure they don’t need to chip it out of the feeder.

So in advance of the storm, I got the bright idea to go to a pet store and see if they had anything for their reptiles I could use for my birds. I was thinking about something on the order of an electric brick. I used to have a plug-in electric brick for my iguana, Sparky, but I must have gotten rid of it after we deliberately froze the lizard. That’s another story for another time. Anyway, I can’t find my brick.

Or maybe they had a heat lamp of some kind. I asked the clerk and she brightly came up with a stack of Reptile Warmers instead, and it seemed like an elegant solution. Reptile warmers, evidently, are what you put in the box if you’re mailing your reptile and you want it to be a fully-operational item when it arrives. They’re just like hand-warmers, but they last forty hours. Yay! I once made a bubble-wrap pocket for a hand-warmer and taped it to the bottom of the hummingbird feeder and it worked great. But it only lasted about eight hours, so I had this whole routine of bringing in the feeder at night after the birds had gone to bed (to die, one wing pressed against their foreheads, the little drama queens), and putting it back out last thing before I went to bed, hoping it would still be warm when the sun came up. Some nights I’d set my alarm for four o’clock to check on it but that kind of takes a lot of the joy out of being retired. If I’m getting up at four, I’d better be going fishing, that’s my motto.

But a forty-hour warmer! Now we’re talking. Because at fifteen degrees, which was the stupid temperature someone thought we should have for days, I’d need to be swapping out that nectar all day long, too. I bought six of them.

I had the first one all shook out and bubble-wrapped and taped to the feeder when I noticed the tiny print in the instructions that said the product “won’t work in temperatures below freezing.” Um? This sort of misses the whole point. I tried it anyway and sure enough that sucker was frozen solid in the morning. It wasn’t even slushy. I pulled in the feeder and put in fresh nectar and watched it freeze within the hour. Clearly I was going to be renewing the thing all day long for days on end. Meanwhile, the bigger birds stood on the bird baths eating snow and looking at me balefully. I took to hollering out the window. “You see all that seed in the feeder? You see that suet? I did that for you! Me!” Then I read that suet freezes too.

Now on top of my lizard fiasco I’m also the worst bird mommy ever and I still haven’t socked away any drinking water for our own consumption.

Come the earthquake? Bug someone else. I’ll be busy sucking up to my prepared neighbors.