Prominent Republicans have joined Democrats in decrying the attack on Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband Paul yesterday, with many additionally sending thoughts and prayers to the family. This is only possible, we are reminded, because of Republican efforts to keep the Strategic Prayer Reserve topped up following the most recent of this year’s 257 school shootings. “This is the sort of forward-thinking action that Americans have come to expect from us,” explained a source from the Republican National Committee. “And it was done with no support—none—from Congressional Democrats.”
Threats against politicians have more than doubled in the last five years, although leaders of both parties disagree on the reasons. Democrats tend to blame violent, irresponsible, and divisive rhetoric from the right, whereas Republicans are more apt to point out that vaccine requirements and mask mandates for a hoax virus are inextricably linked to the rise. “Americans love their freedom,” explained Florida governor Ron DeSantis. “They’re not going to just sit back and allow it to be taken from them.”
Statistically, threats against Democrats from far-right agitators vastly outnumber threats to Republicans from the left, although numerous politicos rushed to remind us about that one guy who popped a cap in GOP Whip Steve Scalise during a Congressional softball game practice. “Don’t be fooled by facts from the New York Times,” one commentator added. “The threat is real. Just last week Rep. Jim Jordan was approached by a protestor wielding an NPR T-shirt cannon which, thankfully, failed to detonate. Later he was the subject of many sharply worded editorials,” she said.
Others pointed out the poisoned atmosphere surrounding left-wing radical attempts to require the teaching of History in school. “And they’re starting in the elementary schools, too,” exclaimed one Florida parent who requested anonymity. “Hateful stuff.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was more reserved in his reaction, denouncing the violent attack on Mr. Pelosi. “There’s no excuse for it in our society,” he murbled. “There are many different ways to hurt people without resorting to physical violence, such as undercutting attempts to rein in Big Pharm, taking away a woman’s right to choose, and continuing to support our time-honored system of mass incarceration. Under Republican leadership, major efforts in planetary devastation are already being implemented, and we’re well on the way to tanking the entire food chain and dismantling our natural hydrological cycle, which we anticipate will lead to even greater efficiencies of depopulation down the road. Hrmph hrmph.”
Minority leader Kevin McCarthy was not willing to comment on an ongoing investigation into the attack but noted that a false-flag operation involving Antifa could not be ruled out. “The perpetrator is in custody,” he noted, “and so we anticipate learning quite a bit more about him and his motivations. Often as not, in these cases, we find the criminal is suffering from derangement due to complications from vaccines.”
Marjorie Taylor Greene bristled at accusations that her reference to Nancy Pelosi as a “traitor” was at least in part to blame. “The Constitution says I can say any damn fool thing I want,” she fired. “I can’t be held responsible if one nut with a hammer decides to take the law into his own hands. The Constitution is clear that death is the proper punishment for treason, but only after we conduct an investigation and some sort of trial in a court of law can we legally hang her wrinkled ass.”
A slab of mascara calved off and chunked onto the microphone.
“The fact is,” she thundered blondely, “none of this would have happened if Mr. Nancy had been armed like a patriot. It’s California. He’s lucky there was still enough funding for a couple policemen.” She patted her holster.
“Yeah!” enthused Ted Cruz, waving in the background.
“He’s recovering in a hospital now, if it is the real Mr. Pelosi,” she went on. “We still don’t know about that. There’s evidence Nancy Pelosi has been dead since 2019 and the deepfake machine has been working overtime since Biden, who is also dead, stole the election.”
“What I like to do is see it and everything and stuff,” put in Herschel Walker, running for Dumbest R Ever, although his chances are considered slim with Louis Gohmert still in da House. “One thing I know, no reason going after our guns when you can git ‘er done with a hammer.”