Recently, I referred to relics as “that ick Catholics lug around.” I apologize. That was irreverent of me. Last thing I want is to get a bunch of religious people upset.
Actually that’s mighty far from the last thing I want, and I have my moods when I actively pursue it. But it isn’t nice, and even I know that. Things people fervently believe in don’t affect me, except of course when they do.
Relics aren’t doing me any harm though. What you do with a relic is you venerate it as a vessel for God’s grace. Sometimes you can even coax a miracle out of it. Your basic relic first-class is usually a body part of some kind, or anything directly involved in the execution of an eligible martyr. (The aforementioned Ick.) A relic second-class would be something saint-adjacent, such as the saint’s dish towel or running shoes. And you can make new relics for yourself (third-class) by touching a first-class relic with something else and getting some grace smeared on it.
But I’d think you’re getting pretty tenuous with the grace by that point. Grace is God’s mercy on you and although it is not officially stated that relics have magic powers to compel God to grant you such mercy, it is thought that having a good relic around might get him in the mood.
A lot of your earlier sacred bodies were not available to plunder for relics because churches were built over their remains, for extra blessings, sort of like the house landing on the Wicked Witch of the East, only nicer. And of course it can be a long time before an apprentice saint makes journeyman, during which his or her mortal remains might have gone astray.
Joan of Arc, for instance, had to wait five hundred years, besides which her remains were supposed to have been thrown into the Seine. The English burned her for a witch three times before calling it a done deal. But some ashes from her pyre were supposedly discovered in a Paris apothecary in 1867. Tests on one bone found in the relics showed it was the leg of a cat. It was thus assumed someone had tossed a black cat on the fire to appease the devil, but it is also perfectly logical to conclude St. Joan was reincarnated as a cat, which would make her a Hindu. That doesn’t fit anyone’s narrative, though.
Some of the relics get a little morbid, in my opinion. It’s one thing to have a holy toe knuckle but they have St. Yves’ entire skull in a box now, just staring at you, in that vacant way skulls do. St. Yves died of natural causes and he was pretty popular so I guess they hung onto his head, just to keep him around, although in my book one of his old shirts would have done just as well.
Not much you can do about Jesus either inasmuch as he floated away, bones and all, although someone did cook up a burial shroud for him after a few centuries. Even the pope doesn’t think the Shroud of Turin is authentic but believes it should be venerated anyway because of how holy it makes people feel, and that gets them even closer to God’s mercy. And what else are you going to do with it? You don’t just take something like that and toss it in the Goodwill bag after the carbon-daters ruin all the fun.
Me, I just hope God has mercy on black cats.
I wonder how long that nail hung around ebay until the seller thought to change its classification to “Used”.
Glad you caught that.
Never apologize! After all, we know you don’t mean it.
My favorite part about visiting Churches in other parts of the world is hunting for relics – it’s like a easter egg hunt on Halloween. The more remote you go the better the relics! An excursion deep in Romania yielded the motherlode of magical femurs, hand and toe parts and some lovely upper torsos. But in Italy you get all the wonderful grisly stuff, with the bonus that its all draped in moldy cloth and bedazzled with mounds of costume jewelry – all the awe of the church and the feels of the pirates of the Caribbean. I’m sure the real gems had been re-invested a long time ago. They needed these body parts to draw in the pilgrims and anyone with a bad case of sin to visit these places and pay for the honor. The bigger bits, the more money of course. Plus probably some bragging rights. I can’t wait to visit my next church for all the wrong reasons!
That’s the beauty of it. They don’t even care if they’re real. Wishing makes it so! Let us know what you scoop up.
You know… I was dead set (see what i did there?) on being cremated when I die. However. My “estate”, such as it is, is going to the Humane Society…. A branch of it in NJ called Popcorn Park, that cares for exotic animals that rich people thought might be a good idea to have as pets (elephants, giraffes, tigers…) but also parrots. So. My new idea is maybe I should have someone (I know someone who is a friend of a taxidermist) somehow make a relic from me to sell on e-bay, with the proceeds going to the charity. I mean, these people who buy “relics” on e-bay are just plain stupid, so who cares? And the Humane Society would get extra money off me. Me? I’d be dead, so I wouldn’t care. I’d be happy to contribute to something that benefits other creatures and not humans. Humans are the whole problem with the world.
I have negative feelings about the Popcorn Park Zoo, which is practically in my backyard. Some years ago I found a domestic duckling that had been dumped in a salt marsh sometime after she ceased to be a cute little Easter duckling. Or maybe when they realized how needy ducklings are. She was the most affectionate animal I’ve ever cared for. Her truest wish in life was to be in anyone’s lap. She would follow anyone anywhere.
Anyway, I wasn’t around enough to satisfy her need for companionship and tried to find her a new home at the Popcorn Park Zoo. The stupid person who answered the phone refused to believe my story, accused me of first grabbing a wild duckling and then of trying to foist off an Easter duckling that I no longer wanted.
Fortunately I remembered a friend who was a bird rehabilitator. He referred me to another friend who lived on a farm.
The duckling followed her happily off to her new life where she slept in her new friend’s bedroom until she was old enough to meet other ducks. She grew up into a lovely adult duck with a mallard drake for a mate.
So I don’t like the people who run the Popcorn Park Zoo and recommend you send your money elsewhere. Like the Marine Mammal Stranding Center.
WE’VE GOT A CENTER DEVOTED TO STRANDING MARINE MAMMALS?
It’s not the best named group in the world and they blur the line on what all they’ll care for. But they do provide excellent care to cetaceans, pinnipeds and sea turtles that turn up alive on beaches in the area. They also do post mortems and carcass disposal.
Mim, you should donate your liver. It’s miraculous!
It IS miraculous! How it’s survived so long, I don’t know!
Wow. Sometimes your narratives make my head spin. Just when I think I know where you are going, you do a ‘redirect’, faster than the Google Maps lady when I make the wrong turn.
Another way of looking at that is I don’t really always know where I’m going.
My wife refuses to go into any Catholic Church precisely for that reason. I tend to cut them a little slack to view the architectural elements such as an ornately carved alter or flying buttresses.
Gotta say, those flying buttresses in the Wizard of Oz scared me good when I was little.
It is incredible to me that a religion that has no relics (Judaism) could give rise to Christianity that only a hundred years or so after the death of a slightly radical rabbi could become a religion bogged down by ritual and venerating (making idols) of relics. The idea that the actual instrument of execution of that rabbi might have somehow been saved by his followers is ridiculous.
Hey. It’s on eBay.
I betcha I could make some of those relic thingys too. And I’d be willing to let em go for a lot less……. Just sayin….
SUSAN’S RELIX-R-US
So relics are available on ebay now? What would Jesus think I wonder?
I have skulls and such in my home but none are holy and most are plastic from the cheap shop down the road. I like them as decor items.
There are many, many saint bits on eBay. Yes.
Anyone up for a group excursion to Lourdes for some used crutches?
I just remembered that I wanted to comment on your line about Joan of Arc being burned three times. Traditionally it’s been claimed this was because her heart wouldn’t burn. It’s more likely the English just wanted to make sure that nothing was left of her.
Recently it was reported that her armor had been discovered in the vault of a Burgundian family (the traitors who handed her over to the English). Not true, but apparently every twenty years or so, such a claim is made. It is almost certainly true that her armor and her banner are still extant and in a private collection.
Anyway, the armor item inspired me to read up on her. I was surprised to learn that a verbatim account of her trial exists. Pretty wild considering how long ago that was.
By the way there is an excellent possibility that one of her helmets ended up in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It matches contemporary descriptions and is pierced in one side where history tells us she received a wound from a weapon that went through her helmet.
Traditionally my mother’s family is supposed to be a distantly related to Jeanne d’Arc. Must mean several times great aunt or something. Wish I knew more about it.
And its not just the Catholics who revere fake relics. This was in the Washington Post today: “Another reminder of that 19th-century hysteria is the vampire-killing kit. Usually including polished wooden boxes with velvet linings, they feature a variety of tools for dispatching vampires, including crucifixes, holy water, Bibles, bottled garlic essence, silver bullets, muzzleloading pistols and more.”
The article goes on to say that most of these kits are fake. (Wait. “Most”?) One such kit was auctioned for $20K recently.
Oh Lordy, Personal Reliquary Relics used to be one of my favorite collectibles. Back when I had a powder room on the main floor just for visitors – I would display all my goodies in that little room. Inspired, I think, by the previous owners use of black wallpaper (w birds and redoute flowers, of course), it did nicely for showing off my things. Some items from my travels – some from eBay. And there are always plentiful things that families have generously donated to the church that need to be unloaded – those bells the boys ring on the alter are always available! Plus close out and price reductions for Red or White Chasuble Seta and such. I would source items far and wide. I got a really nice last rites crucifix in a sick call box one time on eBay. I asked the sellers, after they’d shipped it to me, why they sold it. They were clearing out mom’s house after she died, they explained, so didn’t need it anymore. I beg to differ. I think I caused them some remorse. I was raised catholic, so I can’t help myself with introducing guilt. I particularly enjoyed visits to the Buddha’s Tooth, in Kandy, the church in Bruges with the holy blood that I stood in line to see. That’s when I started photographing these things instead, but it’s just not the same as showing off a Cross Monstrance with Luna. Plus I’ve long ago downsized into a house that doesn’t have room. But every once in awhile, I pull out a box – if someone’s about to go through beatification somewhere, or this marvelous season of celebration of All Hallow’s Eve – and revel in all my stuff.