The leaves were curling up on what I had assumed was a perfectly sound plant. But I knew just what to do, for I am a gardener. I Googled it.

It takes a little bushwhacking to get your answer. First you put in the name of your plant. Maybe you know it by its nickname, maybe its full Latin baptismal name. But there are plenty of monikers for a plant as fine as yours used to be, before it started curling up. Your Common Phlegmwort (Ptuitaria vulgaris) is also known as Bladderpussy, St.-Michael’s-toes, Sneaky Steve, and, in some southern locales, Kiss-me-under-the-bleachers. Not to be confused with the European Phlegmwort (Diverticulosum purpurea, or Gassy Gus), which is a whole different family. Which one is your plant? Are there images? Do you remember what yours looked like before the leaves curled up?

Good news! You found your plant. And there are articles about leaf curl! The causes of leaf curl include poor light, too much light, light at the wrong time of the day, overwatering, and drought. Other culprits could be loamy soil, sandy soil, wet roots, dry roots, and square roots. Nematodes, sucking insects, bird poop, and possum bacteria have all been implicated in leaf curl, along with genetic botanical shyness. Deer breath can be an issue in the east. Check under the leaves for webbing, tiny golf balls, and tadpoles, which can be a sign of poor drainage.

Once you have determined the cause of your particular leaf curl, you can address the issue. “Rotate your plant periodically to ensure even light distribution and consider using sheer curtains to diffuse intense sunlight.,” it says here. I’ve found many if not most plants don’t take kindly to rough spinning but it’s worth a shot. It did take me longer than I care to admit to recognize that this helpful advice was designed for potted plants indoors, but in the garden proper, if you have suitably sturdy neighboring perennials or a pair of stout sunflowers, it’s often possible to rig up a lightweight cafe curtain for the little princesses.

I have four of these plants in various locations in the garden. Two of them are doing fine. I am going to employ my horticultural prowess, honed for over forty years in this location. I am going to yank the sucker out of the ground and jam it in somewhere else. If it dies, it goes in the compost, where its tiny soul might reincarnate in something worthy.

If it dies in the same place something else died, and you can rule out motor oil from the asshole next door who kept pouring it in your hedge, don’t give up. You can always throw in a couple seedlings of Bend-Over-Betty. She’s not that good-looking, but she sure gets around.