I bought a pint of cream stamped “Contains no rBST,” which was mildly alarming, in that it made me feel like I just narrowly escaped a great danger that I wasn’t even aware of. Like when you hear the WHAM of the Acme Safe falling right behind you. Who needs retroactive anxiety?

And I don’t even know if it’s a real thing. I’ve become used to seeing things like turnips being advertised as gluten-free. So I looked it up.

rBST is a man-made bovine growth hormone. It’s supposed to Increase Milk Production which sounds all well and good until you recognize it’s all going through a real cow, and I’ve seen udders that the cow would have to pay extra for on a Delta flight. It doesn’t look at all comfortable. I say that as woman who took birth control pills back in 1970 when they contained enough hormones to top up an entire women’s gymnastics team. That might have enhanced my secondary sexual characteristics from a male standpoint but I sure didn’t want anyone touching them.

Anyway, poor cows. Evidently the bloated jobs get infections, and then antibiotics, and that’s a whole thing. And no one’s sure humans are supposed to be consuming the stuff either.

My Uncle Clifford’s cows did not have rBST. I mean, he didn’t have an indoor toilet for a long time so he wasn’t one for excess frippery. In fact he was able to retire in the black, which is unusual in the farming business. I remember what a big deal it was when we visited to get that fresh milk in the morning. Mom and Dad rhapsodized about that nasty bucket that Uncle Clifford hauled into the kitchen. It was full of cow-body-temperature milk and had cream floating on top that Daddy planned to skim off and there were little specks of grass in it and I knew perfectly well milk is supposed to be cold and not look like something that just got pulled out of an animal. It was gross. You could not fool me: I was six and I saw where that came from. I can still smell the poop ditch behind the lined-up cows and I can still see the barn cats at attention so Uncle Cliff could toss them the skin off the milk bucket.

I lived in the Washington, D.C. area. I don’t know where our water came from but it was probably sucked up through ten feet of swamp and fish jizz and Democrats’ tears and you didn’t want to drink it unless it was so cold all the taste molecules died. I felt the same way about milk.

I’m fine with fresh vegetables but I want my animal-based products to either be or look like they are as far away from the original source as possible. Keep that meat pre-chopped and wrapped up and don’t let me see any butt feathers on my eggs. Grandma’s farm was a regular nightmare in that department, with Grandma ripping feathers off the chicken while the dog kept digging up its head. But they were super nice people and they always had ice cream on hand.

Which is the proper degree of separation from the cow.