There are questions for which we have no answer. All around us we have evidence of a miraculous universe, but we have no idea how it came to be or why we’re here. For some of us, assigning a divine intelligence to it explains it all. For some of us, it is just pushing the question down the road. Ultimately, it’s remarkable, but unknowable.

It’s all celestial pantry moths out there.

For at least two months I’ve had evidence of pantry moths. The evidence is in the form of a profusion of pantry moths flying around the house. I don’t know where they came from and I don’t know why they’re here. I know some things: they’re not here on vacation. They’re living here and raising the chilluns here. Somewhere. As is my habit, I allowed myself to consider that the first few moths were an anomaly. Maybe my neighbors on either side had an awesome pantry moth spread going and a few of them were just passing through my house as a shortcut.

Go ahead and call that wishful thinking, but don’t call it useless. I am admirably calm much of the time, and I owe a lot of that to a policy of willful ignorance.

Generally speaking, though, if you see one pantry moth, it’s not a loner. Just before they got to the point of blocking out the sun, I started hauling things out of the cupboard. The likely culprits were innocent: oatmeal, grains, nuts. The pecan container had a little linty business at the bottom which could be a moth thing. I threw them out in spite of the cost of pecans.

Of course I also Googled how big a deal pantry moths could be. After all, people all over the world consider this sort of thing legitimate protein. And sure enough, they’re not exactly bad for you. There isn’t anything really awful about eating them. Or the silk webbing they crud things up with. Or their [gad]

[blackout]

Chilluns. Eww.

See, your frontal brain can absorb the idea that you can eat your pantry-moth-infested goods to no ill effect, but when you actually see the little worms crawling around in your food, all full of mothly ambition, your Ickocampus kicks in. So. Back to getting rid of the moths. Which will of course not involve pesticides, speaking of problems. That would be like calling in a nuclear strike on your dandelions.

My technique, once I give in to bleak reality, is to remove everything from my cupboards, inspect it all, clean the bejesus out of the shelves, and put things back one by one, after careful inspection. It was a mystery. Then I found a small infested container with what it said was dried shiitake mushrooms but might have been a severed ear. Yay! I don’t mind throwing that out at all! Whatever it is!

A week later, more pantry moths. I was stumped. And then one day I had to move something to get something in the back. It was an overlooked sealed Ziploc bag with another plastic grocery bag inside it, twist-tied shut. And I still don’t know what was inside that bag, but the last time I saw that many worms it was on the back end of a miserable sheep. It was the dang Big Bang all over again.

I always clean my plastic bags and reuse them.

I used to always clean my plastic bags and reuse them.