So the other day I found myself unable to get anything else done until I had found out why sperm whales are called sperm whales, and it was worse than I thought.
Sperm whales are the ones with the gigantic boxy heads. Rather than having a nice aerodynamic silhouette like other whales, the sort of design that makes all modern cars look alike, they look like they have an entire shipping container in there, or God’s refrigerator. What they do have is a massive organ called the spermaceta, completely full of sperm, and it sits right on top of another organ called its junk. The blowhole is worn on the left.
All of that is true, except for the sperm part. It’s full of some waxy goo not quite liquid and not quite solid that looks like semen, and that’s what the ancient mariners thought it was, some kind of horrible buildup of jizz in the head, but it’s not. Nobody needs that much semen, and the whole ocean is already a wet spot. You’d think a bunch of seamen would know better but they got that part wrong.
The stuff is useful, though, and that’s the sort of thing that gets a species in trouble. You drill into one whale and you’ve got yourself around 530 gallons of stuff you can burn for light or use as a lubricant. Of course you’re going to use it as a lubricant, when push comes to shove, and you’re on a boat with a bunch of other men, and nobody cares if the lights are on.
Sperm whales have by far the largest volume of waxy crap in their heads among all mammals not running for public office. So why the hell does a whale get boxy and unaerodynamic and stuff his head with something like semen and something called its junk?
Surprise! No one knows.
Which delights me. This ain’t no minor beast. Sperm whales not only have the largest brains of anyone, but they’re also the loudest animal in the world. I am much energized by the sheer volume of stuff we don’t know anything about, after pressing our big brains to the task for hundreds of years. And maybe we’re used to the idea that we can’t see dark matter but just intuit it must exist; and maybe we are confused about what some extraneous pincer on a random insect is for; and maybe no one knows when the anus evolved, although we have a good idea why. But not knowing what ol’ Big Box Brain is doing with a gargantuan chamber of faux spunk? Shouldn’t that be figure-outable? Not knowing is so much more satisfying than knowing it all. The world retains its mystery and everything we do find out has a way of producing more questions. Ain’t that grand?
The old seamen thought they used it to cushion themselves whilst ramming ships. They did ram ships, but likely did not evolve their refrigerator heads for that purpose, due to a dearth of ships fifty million years ago; so maybe they rammed each other like bison. A group of scientists developed models of whale heads and rammed them at each other to see where the mechanical stresses were and the results indeed suggest that might be a function. Male sperm whales have been observed only once in the act of ramming each other, but, as scientists have pointed out, a lot of things whales do is underwater, and we might miss it. But why would the female whales have the same shape rather than something more slimming?
Other hypotheses include that the big head o’ goo is involved with buoyancy, or might have hydraulic functions, or—and this is considered most likely—helps in echolocation. Which is handy if you’re planning to dive to the bottom of the ocean to hunt squids in the dark. Which I’m not, and that is good, because my head is very very small.
Well I have a giant head but I can tell you that the last thing it would be full of is sperm.
Meaning–that would kill you.
Years ago, we were having dinner out with my Dad, an actual rocket scientist. (He was retired by then but still had the cred.) When the bill came, it was exactly $137.
“137!” Pop remarked. “The most fascinating number in all of physics!”
“Why is that, Pop?” we asked.
“NOBODY KNOWS!” he said, grinning.
Yes, it’s delightful to think of all the things we don’t know. Read about it here.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/137_(number)
Miss you, Pop. Always loved you. Always will.
I will be damned. 137 has its own Wikipedia entry.
Wow. Just wow.
For those who might not feel like wading through the entire Wikipedia page, here’s the bottom line: The number 137 “shows up naked all over the place”, meaning that scientists on any planet in the universe using whatever units they have for charge or speed, and whatever their version of the Planck constant may be, will all come up with 137, because it is a pure number.” And nobody knows why.
By the way, I love it here on Murr’s blog!
The spermaceti can be used for lights, but was considered to be a superior lubricant and was used as such in scientific instruments for years in preference over petroleum products.
The organ itself sits in front of the bony dish in the skull which is thought to focus sound during echolocation or as speculated in sperm whales may also be used to deliver a lethally focused blast of sound. The best guess among cetologists is that spermaceti serves a function regarding echolocation and focused sound.
I’ve never heard of a part of the sperm whale head anatomy called junk.
And yet, my man, I did not make that up.
Nope, you didn’t. Sat down tonight and looked it up. Brava, Murr!
The word “spermaceti” sounds like it would be one of these weird pasta shapes, like orecchiette or fusilli. I’m sure it would be delicious — especially with squid — but a tad bit on the slimy side. But I’ve seldom met a pasta that I didn’t like, so I’m in! (Except buccatini. HOLLOW spaghetti noodles? They are freakin’ hard to eat without getting it all over the place!)
You have to fill them with peanut butter first.
You have outdone yourself! Loved this one today.
I vaguely recall this stuff was also used in the production of cosmetic creams and lotions as well as candles and soaps.
I personally like to start my day with a nice smear of whale head goo.
Damn!! Where (and how) do you come up with stuff like this?!! And moreover, I learned something new.
Rabbit holes, baby!
These discussions are as much fun as your original post. 👍
I love what I flatter myself by thinking of “my people.” Jeez, is that a real sentence? Call the syntax police!
Gotta admit… that does sound a little Eva Perón there. And considering your subject is massive amounts of sperm and clueless seamen, maybe it’s the spelling that’s off here, and it should be “sin tax” and “semen.” Because I see nothing wrong with your “syntax.” But then, even thought I KNOW the rules of grammar and punctuation, I frequently play fast and loose with them. As you do, too, and you also make up words, which is way cool! I especially love “flang.”
Flang is as real as junk.
Ambergris and Arab
Previously discussed…of course!
Hi again! I’m back! 🙂
I kept reading the Wikipedia page for the number 137 and found this. I knew you would all want to know.
“The Bible says that Ishmael, Levi and Amram all lived to be 137 years old. The three appearances make it the most common lifespan of individuals in the Bible.”
Well if it’s in the Bible it’s got to be true.
“Of course you’re going to use it as a lubricant, when push comes to shove, and you’re on a boat with a bunch of other men, and nobody cares if the lights are on.” Gee thanks, now I can’t get out of my head this idea of a porn movie set on a whaling ship in the 1400s.