[The Senator tippy-taps his microphone] We now convene the Senate Select Committee Hearing on…wait, where is Mr. Musk? Who are you?

[A man is sitting behind a nameplate with blue painter’s tape over it. He clears his throat, hawks a loogie under the desk, and bends toward a microphone] Big E couldn’t make it today, so he told me to cover. Gimme what you got.

He couldn’t make it? He was subpoenaed. This is highly irregular.

Ehh, what’re you gonna do? Busy man. He had other obligations. Next question.

Sir, I’m sure you’re aware, we’re all pretty darn mad over here on this side of the aisle about what you and your Department of Government Evisceration are doing. For one thing, you promised you weren’t going to lay a finger on Social Security. You promised.

Dude—

Senator.

Senator dude, we wouldn’t touch Social Security with a ten-foot pole.

But my colleagues witnessed your friend here [pointing to the man’s left] touching the heck out of it, all over the place. Pulling files, confiscating computers, writing inappropriate and frankly hurtful messages on the windows with a Sharpie. Who is this character?

Respect. This here is Stanislau “Big Kielbasa” Wojtkowski. He ain’t ten feet. Seven feet, tops. Right, Wodge?

[Wodge grins and bobbles his hands] Purt’ near.

Well would you ask your friend to get his feet off the desk? Don’t make me raise my voice. [The senator’s voice begins to rise]

Stand down, Wodge. [A playful smack on the young man’s thigh is heard. Wodge’s leg slides slowly off the desk with a thud accompanied by a titanic sigh of boredom. The chamber briefly fills with the scent of cabbage]

Thank you. Goodness.

Anyway, we’re not doing a thing to Social Security. All we’re doing is exposing how easily it can be hacked, so we can fix it. And we’re exposing all the inefficiency and stuff. So much inefficiency! And stuff! Slice off a third of the staff and boom, nobody can get through on the phones. It’s disgraceful. It’s a disaster. And it’s going to be dead in another ten years anyway. Underfunded.

That, sir, is why my colleagues and I are proposing to lift the cap on payments into the system. Why should the rich skate on their fair share?

Please. Do you really expect Mr. Musk to pay in 6.2% of what he earns? Do you know how much money that is?

On what he EARNS? Zero. He’d pay zero. [smattering of applause]

And that’s as it should be. You don’t penalize success. If we quit penalizing success in this country, nobody would even need Social Security. [Wodge giggles every time he hears “penalize”] Frankly, Senator dude, we can’t figure out why anyone should take policy advice from someone who can’t even afford his own rocket.

Two of those rockets of his just blew up, you know.

That’s called research and development. Why should anyone take financial advice from someone who can’t afford to lose a few rockets?

[The senator begins to puff up] Well you tell me why we should take financial advice from someone who can’t make ends meet on $384,000,000,000. [more applause smatters]

[Wodge giggles] He’s got you there, boss.

[Senator looks at his notes] And how about this security breach! It’s egregious! The fashion editor at Vanity Fair was brought in on an unsecured group chat discussing war plans with Canada! War Plans With CANADA!

Oh calm down. A., there are no war plans with Canada. B., war plans are not actual wars, that’s why they’re called plans. C., that was not an unsecured group chat that we didn’t have about something we didn’t do that we had every right to do. That was a Zoom meeting. Nobody pays attention to a Zoom meeting. If you really want to have truly secure communication, you do a Zoom meeting. Hell, half the people in that thing didn’t even have pants on.

[Wodge perks up] Hegseth for sure!

And how is it you guys on the other side of the aisle are all about Government Transparency and when you see actual war plans, which this business with Canada was not, you’re all fanning yourselves with a woke-ass lace hankie?

But we have the whole transcript in black and white. The whole planned illegal pipeline construction.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Illegal? It’s a plan. The transcontinental pipeline to the great Canadian maple syrup reserve. A way to bring us together. Pipelines are commerce. Pipelines are infrastructure. I thought you guys were all about infrastructure. Except when we propose it, is that right?

So that’s the real plan. You just blow things up and see what you can do with what’s left over. May I remind you, this, sir, is a government by the people, for the people. We decide what we can build together to provide for all citizens what we cannot afford as individuals.

Socialism, you’re saying. [eyes roll]

Sir, you can’t solve the climate crisis by abolishing the weather service. You start taking away what we the people have grown to expect from our own government, you’re going to be looking at some serious backlash.

Will we?

This isn’t even legal! Nothing you’re doing is legal! You’re not even a real department! You’re just a big old doody-head! [waves arms]

You’re the doody-head.

[Senator half-rises, points at Wodge] He POOPED ON MY DESK!

What are you going to do about it?

[Stenographer pauses, looking up expectantly.]

Something! You’ll be sorry! I’m telling you, we’re squeaking mad over here!

[Sits back in chair, puts feet on desk] Next year in Toronto, Senator dude.