Got an email the other day from someone I don’t know. I don’t always open those. I figure it could be a notice that I am about to be picked up by the people in charge of making people like me go away. I don’t know what I might have written that would get me hanging by my thumbs in Guantanamo, but that’s only because there are so many possibilities. I can only hope when the fateful knock on the door comes, they’ll notice I’m white first thing, say “pardon me Ma’am,” and follow the sounds of the leaf blowers to their proper perps.

Anyway, I did open this one, and now I don’t know what I’m in for.

Hello, I am called Ray, McCarron. I store USDT in my OKX wallet and have my seed phrase ( +clean+ +party+ +soccer+ +advance+ +audit+ +clean+ +evil+ +finish+ +tonight+ +involve+ +whip+ +action+ ). What is the process to send my funds to Kraken? I’ve made the footage, take a moment to see it to get more details.

My first inclination, on receiving such a missive, is to type back:

The eagle flies at midnight.

I always hesitate to do that, though, because then I might be instructed to pick up a package at the bell tower and deliver it to the underground resistance and if I don’t do it everyone will die. Also, I’m already in my pajamas.

There’s a link to a youtube video that might clear things up, but I’ve told my cursor never to play with things like that and to tell me if it offers it candy or a puppy.

But I was interested enough to do a little research. After all, the sender is a little loose with his commas but he did put a period after the parentheses in the proper manner, which is reassuring. So. It would appear that I am being solicited in some fashion having to do with cryptocurrency.

I’m not interested. It’s one more spooky thing that is entirely unrelated to reality, and appears to be a new way to try to make money without making another damn thing of use to anybody, and I’m already mad at the financial sector Ronald Reagan fattened up beyond all reason, and have no use for people who are interested in money for its own sake. Or gamblers. But I repeat myself.

USDT appears to be a particular form of cryptocurrency called Tether. And if you buy Tether, or any other crypto, you need to put it in a wallet (software, so as not to ruin your line). Then your records are stored in a blockchain, which validates your coins, and consists of blocks linked by hash pointers and timestamps, and is generated and maintained by miners employing massive amounts of processing power for the possible reward of creating new cryptocurrency for themselves. And Kraken is a bitcoin exchange. The seed phrase is a gigantic password of random words allowing you to access your assets.

Fact is, when it comes to understanding this stuff, I can’t access my assets with both hands. I knew I was in trouble when I spent as much time checking to see if there was any progress in the scroll bar in Wikipedia as I did poring over the entry. I still have no idea how any of this works. All I know is that cryptocurrency mining, and AI, are responsible for massive energy use and tons of carbon emissions, all so that some people can amass pretend wealth without doing a damn thing for the world, and so we can generate fake photos of imaginary birds designed to appeal to the same people who swoon over those paintings of big-eyed children.

I have read a lot about all this and I am much better prepared, at this point, to explain quantum field theory in four-dimensional spacetime. But I need to go. The Red Queen is coming over for tea.