It’s a little sad when, instead of learning a new language or an instrument, I’m considering learning something I totally had down in third grade.

But something needs to be done about my penmanship.

People’s handwriting is remarkably distinctive. I can recognize handwriting I haven’t seen in years. I know who’s writing to me from the tiniest scrap. But distinctiveness is not really what we should aim for. That was one of the points of learning cursive.

If you’re doing it right, everyone’s should look just the same. People have always been impressed by Dave’s handwriting. Somehow it seems even more charming and unexpected coming from a man. “Wow, nice penmanship,” I thought when I met him. “Wonder what he’s like naked.” That’s the power of a nice hand. Well, he had nice hair, too. And I had a good idea about the other since he was wearing only a towel when I met him. Anyway. I digress.

I’m digressing a little right now.

Dave has lovely handwriting because he did not diverge from the original cursive we were taught. He may have begun to diverge, but then later he made an effort to replicate his mother’s handwriting so he could sign his own excuse slips. “Once I learned how to spell ‘diarrhea,’” he told me, “I was in ‘em.”

Dave’s mom’s handwriting was just like my mom’s. The Palmer Method. You made every letter just so, the same every time. It was designed to be easy and efficient. I recall that you were also supposed to move the pen with your whole arm, rotating comfortably from the pudding portion of your resting forearm. You were not supposed to move the pen with just your fingers.

When the teacher wasn’t looking, we all moved the pen with just our fingers.

As a result our hands got crampy and tired and our handwriting deteriorated. We got a big bump on the distal interphalangeal joint of our middle fingers from holding our pencils too tight. For those of us on the dimmer side, it was years before we mentioned the odd lumpy tumor we’d had since third grade and someone pointed out it was from gripping a pencil too tight.

Where a lot of us went really wrong was deciding we should be more artistic about our writing. Bless our pre-hippie hearts! No, we should not. In fifth grade there was a teacher who wrote on the blackboard with little backwards threes for the letter “e.” That looked so dang cool. Immediately I began trying to jam in little backwards threes, and that took some jamming. They don’t really fit that well. Not only that, but they won’t hook up to any of the other letters. So every time an E came up in a word, which, you will note, is often, I had to lift the pencil to get it started, and before long I was lifting it for other letters too. The Palmer Method “r” didn’t look like an “r” until I’d written it as a capital letter, only smaller. I believe “g’s” were the next to get complicated. Somehow by the time I was in junior high I was basically printing, only on a slant, and with many of the letters miniaturized upper-case versions.

It was a mess. The Palmer Method sends graceful cursive gazelles loping across the page, and mine looks like I just opened up the monkey cage.

Now, I can’t read my own writing. I have retained scraps and envelopes on which I have scribbled something important, probably. We’ll never know.

There is a movement underfoot now to teach children cursive writing in schools, which is really something, because I didn’t realize it had fallen by the wayside. Apparently, kids are learning keyboard skills only. But many educators advocate for cursive. Among other things, they say you should learn cursive to be able to write and sign checks.

Um. Sure! That’s still a thing! That’s not really the selling point they think it is.

Also, you should learn cursive so you can read other people’s cursive. This won’t come up often. Many modern children are cursive-illiterate in their own language. When Grandma’s hand-written birthday letter shows up with a check floating out of it, they are completely stupefied, but bless their modern hearts, they do know which recycling bin it all goes into.

Well, the more compelling arguments include that cursive improves people’s fine motor skills and aids in the retention of information due to the fancy neural pathways that are developed. I suspect this might be true. My thoughts are organized as hell. I just can’t find the key to the filing cabinet. My neural pathways have been scuffed away by the sands of time into one broad unbranched and featureless highway, and I can’t remember a thing I ever learned. Abandoning proper cursive at age ten is probably to blame.

But I did drink a lot.