I had no idea we had such a massive problem of illegal Canadian immigration. But evidently the chilly suckers have been leaking across the border for a while now. It’s a porous border, and a long one. There’s really no keeping them out if they want in; it would be like making a border wall out of maple bars.

Myself, I don’t feel any sense of threat from Canadians. They’re basically Americans without the stain. But maybe the only Canadians who want to come here are the crappy ones. The ones who don’t feel at home in a nice country. The ones who want to be somewhere it’s okay to shit on people, and entire parties are devoted to stirring up hatred and distrust. Even so, at the rate of 65 such defectors a day, they would have a much-diluted effect in the general population here, especially if they funneled mostly into Idaho.

And if the only Canadians who cross the border illegally are perfectly lovely people who smell like donuts and simply can’t ever get warm, why, bring them on!

Evidently, though, it’s a huge problem, as bellowed by Donald Trump in posts with a disturbingly large number of capitalized nouns, as if he had already gone straight to Nazi Germany in his hard-pebble heart. And the concern isn’t with disgruntled Canadian citizens so much as terrorists and drug smugglers and rapists et al who fly into Canada—including Mexicans—and then pop across our border because it’s easier than sneaking in another way. I don’t know. Seems like they could just fly here. Seems like if you have 7000 miles of border with two countries, which we do, it wouldn’t be that hard for a determined person to find a place to stroll across. I certainly didn’t realize we had such a problem with Mexican scamps coming over from Canada.

Anyway we know what to do about it. We gon’ slap Canada upside the country with tariffs. Mexico too. Probably every place but Norway, because all the other countries have that shithole element. We certainly don’t want more criminals coming into the country taking our own criminals’ jobs.

It’s a whole thing. If you’ve got people smuggling foreign items in their body cavities, the easiest way to do it would be to recruit Samoans. You can probably pack a lot of fentanyl in a Samoan. Unfortunately, as U.S. nationals if not citizens, they are entitled to some rights and protections under U.S. law. But this is a mere legal blip to be overcome in the new old administration. After all, a huge swath of certified legacy American citizens has been neatly stripped of important rights and protections, and we done re-elected the perpetrators to shit on us again.

They’ve got to be concerned with backlash. All these tariffs—and all the deportations—are going to make prices higher for Americans across the board. As a liberal with a union-negotiated pension, I’m less fazed by this, believing that certain items—fossil fuel, for instance, and quite a lot of our groceries—-aren’t priced nearly high enough to account for the environmental and social damage they do.

But if my annual box of maple sugar candy goes up, I’m going to get my pitchfork.