A lot of complicated issues can be solved by one man with an uncluttered mind, a man of vision—someone who can cut through the tangled nonsense of the educated elites. We have just such a man in power now, and already he has fixed the wildfire crisis in California. Clearly, he says, they have plenty of water to fight fires with. All they need to do is turn the big valve.

It’s so obvious. Just the other day I was standing in my dry shower stall wondering if I could get clean with a spatula and a lint roller. I must have run out of water because of flushing that low-flow toilet ten or fifteen times, I thought. And then I remembered the inspiring words of a very stable genius. I turned the valve.

The problem, he says, is that they’re holding all the water up north to protect a tiny little fish that nobody cares about. And the solution is to round up all the remaining delta smelt and offer them to the fish nugget industry. The industry stands to increase its profits tenfold by using pre-miniaturized fish and cutting out the middle-nuggetizer. And by harnessing the power of the marketplace we will quickly run out of smelt, paving the way toward the big valve turn and more water for Los Angeles. It’s a win-win.

Should that flow of water prove insufficient, the president points out, there’s plenty more water in the Columbia River basin that can be diverted to California. “Just turn the big valve up there, and Wallah Wallah,” he said, vigorously pumping an air-squeezebox. When it was noted that the Columbia is an entirely different watershed than the Sacramento/San Joaquin watershed and that the distribution of water is entirely at the mercy of the laws of gravity, Trump declared that he would Overturn the Law of Gravity on Day One.

Furthermore, constructing a pipeline 4,000 feet deep through active magma fields would be a cakewalk for the Army Corps of Engineers.

While, ordinarily, the ACE moistens its collective shorts over such a massive project, some in the agency are secretly expressing doubt. The likelihood that a good Coho salmon run would get wedged in all the tight spots and shut down the flow might be too difficult to overcome.

The president, making a personal note to replace the head of the ACE with a loyalist from his core leadership pool of talking heads, drunks, and pussy hounds, suggested the salmon wedging problem can be eliminated at its source by introducing more California sea lions and, for whatever remains of the run, enhanced nuggetization of the fish at the head of the pipeline. Top officials at his administration’s new Department of Imaginary Technology concurred.

A swarm of Democrats in the Pacific Northwest region whined that they weren’t necessarily done with that water, and intend to use it for all sorts of things including power generation, but the president countered that the region’s power needs can easily be met by importing all that coal they’re planning to blast out of Kentucky, and by outlawing electric vehicles.

California governor Gavin Newsom, tipping ash off his umbrella, railed against the idea. “Clearly Mr. Trump and his cronies are in the pocket of Big Nugget,” he said in a sparsely attended speech in Ventura County.

Trump retorted that the problem with Newsom is that he is a low-IQ individual who hates America. What we do, he said, is we simply move the sea lions and the coal to Oregon, we move their water to California, we move the excess floodwaters from the Gulf of Mexico hurricanes and we dump it on the fires in Los Angeles. The nearly depleted Texas aquifers are closer but we need that water to frack with. Then we solve future fire threat by reducing fuel through the sale of all remaining timber on federal lands, and in areas deemed too difficult to log, we grow the supply of prisoners convicted of minor drug offenses to replace the deported brown people and employ them to sweep the forest floor at twenty cents per hour. It’s nothing but profit and prosperity all around, plus an endless supply of paper towels for FEMA.

California lawmakers, in a closed strategy session, decided to warn the president that if you get too much water in any one place you run the risk of a shark infestation, but the president was unmoved. “Move the sharks to the Rio Grande to eat rapists and fentanyl dealers,” he said. He, personally, was not troubled by the California shark situation, because he never planned to spend any time in a godless state.

“Nothing but big trees and flamers over there,” he groused off-mic. “No wonder it’s on fire.”