A lot of complicated issues can be solved by one man with an uncluttered mind, a man of vision—someone who can cut through the tangled nonsense of the educated elites. We have just such a man in power now, and already he has fixed the wildfire crisis in California. Clearly, he says, they have plenty of water to fight fires with. All they need to do is turn the big valve.
It’s so obvious. Just the other day I was standing in my dry shower stall wondering if I could get clean with a spatula and a lint roller. I must have run out of water because of flushing that low-flow toilet ten or fifteen times, I thought. And then I remembered the inspiring words of a very stable genius. I turned the valve.
The problem, he says, is that they’re holding all the water up north to protect a tiny little fish that nobody cares about. And the solution is to round up all the remaining delta smelt and offer them to the fish nugget industry. The industry stands to increase its profits tenfold by using pre-miniaturized fish and cutting out the middle-nuggetizer. And by harnessing the power of the marketplace we will quickly run out of smelt, paving the way toward the big valve turn and more water for Los Angeles. It’s a win-win.
Should that flow of water prove insufficient, the president points out, there’s plenty more water in the Columbia River basin that can be diverted to California. “Just turn the big valve up there, and Wallah Wallah,” he said, vigorously pumping an air-squeezebox. When it was noted that the Columbia is an entirely different watershed than the Sacramento/San Joaquin watershed and that the distribution of water is entirely at the mercy of the laws of gravity, Trump declared that he would Overturn the Law of Gravity on Day One.
Furthermore, constructing a pipeline 4,000 feet deep through active magma fields would be a cakewalk for the Army Corps of Engineers.
While, ordinarily, the ACE moistens its collective shorts over such a massive project, some in the agency are secretly expressing doubt. The likelihood that a good Coho salmon run would get wedged in all the tight spots and shut down the flow might be too difficult to overcome.
The president, making a personal note to replace the head of the ACE with a loyalist from his core leadership pool of talking heads, drunks, and pussy hounds, suggested the salmon wedging problem can be eliminated at its source by introducing more California sea lions and, for whatever remains of the run, enhanced nuggetization of the fish at the head of the pipeline. Top officials at his administration’s new Department of Imaginary Technology concurred.
A swarm of Democrats in the Pacific Northwest region whined that they weren’t necessarily done with that water, and intend to use it for all sorts of things including power generation, but the president countered that the region’s power needs can easily be met by importing all that coal they’re planning to blast out of Kentucky, and by outlawing electric vehicles.
California governor Gavin Newsom, tipping ash off his umbrella, railed against the idea. “Clearly Mr. Trump and his cronies are in the pocket of Big Nugget,” he said in a sparsely attended speech in Ventura County.
Trump retorted that the problem with Newsom is that he is a low-IQ individual who hates America. What we do, he said, is we simply move the sea lions and the coal to Oregon, we move their water to California, we move the excess floodwaters from the Gulf of Mexico hurricanes and we dump it on the fires in Los Angeles. The nearly depleted Texas aquifers are closer but we need that water to frack with. Then we solve future fire threat by reducing fuel through the sale of all remaining timber on federal lands, and in areas deemed too difficult to log, we grow the supply of prisoners convicted of minor drug offenses to replace the deported brown people and employ them to sweep the forest floor at twenty cents per hour. It’s nothing but profit and prosperity all around, plus an endless supply of paper towels for FEMA.
California lawmakers, in a closed strategy session, decided to warn the president that if you get too much water in any one place you run the risk of a shark infestation, but the president was unmoved. “Move the sharks to the Rio Grande to eat rapists and fentanyl dealers,” he said. He, personally, was not troubled by the California shark situation, because he never planned to spend any time in a godless state.
“Nothing but big trees and flamers over there,” he groused off-mic. “No wonder it’s on fire.”
Needle-sharp satire, Murr, thank you. Hopefully it is still satire by the time I press the Return key, but who knows in these strange times.
Buried in your comment is the reason I don’t do more about Trump. It’s hard to make anything up. That, and I veer away.
Unfortunately, in these times we’re living in, I had trouble telling what he actually said from the satire. All of this sounds like something he might very well say.
We’re doomed.
Trump Keeps Urging California to Turn on Its Giant ‘Faucet’
WSJ
https://www.wsj.com › U.S. › Climate & Environment
“1 day ago — The president’s repeated talk of a spigot, which he calls a faucet or valve, has been puzzling Californians and Canadians for some time.”
Mimi, are you “puzzled”? I’m not. Some other descriptions for my reaction to this utter nonsense are sickened, staggered, gagged, stunned, and repulsed.
I’m not “puzzled.” He is a supremely stupid person, but thinks he knows it all. His nominees for various departments have absolutely no knowledge of what they are doing. They are just willing to kiss the ring (and the ass) of their god-king. I try to stay engaged in the Progressive media ecosystem. We have to fight this. What he WANTS is for us to be overwhelmed and just give up.
Um…. Canada? It’s me, Mimi. Could you make Delaware a province? Prettyprettyprettyplease?
Tenet #8 of The Creed states: “Nobody smarter or better-educated than I am should be in charge of anything.” The sTRUMPets LOVE his stupidity.
One correction: It’s now “Gulf of America,” Murr. Make a note of it, or the Trump Geography Police may come knocking at your door.
There’s a gulf all right.
The only spigot that the festering orange asshole knows anything about is the one in his diaper.
I can’t stand it.
I’m re-reading “Squeeze Me” by Carl Hiaasen. Carl needs to read Murr. How to get this to him?
You will be pleased to note that I used “Squeeze Me” as a “comparable title” while querying one of my recent novels. It hasn’t gotten me an agent but at least I’m on board with you.
I’m surprised he hasn’t yet created a DOIT to go along with DOGE. Although I suppose the *I* would stand for INCREDIBLE rather than imaginary.
We are so screwed.
When you’re a star they let you DOIT
I’m glad I think that someone can find some humor in this. I saw the news this morning that Trump thought all the water California needed could be brought from the Pacific Northwest and just wanted to curl up some place dark and either hibernate until this is all over or just never wake up again.
Everything he’s issued decrees about this week is the rankest lunacy. And there are people in positions of power behind him ready to see that his pronouncements are made manifest.
I cringed my way through the four years of his first term. Another four years (or more) is just a horror story.
On a side note, I’ve never liked Trump’s qualifier of stable associated with genius. My understanding of genius is that it isn’t stable, it’s unpredictable, it’s a flash that transforms our understanding. Would you agree with me?
Maybe he’s talking about horseshit stable.
When satire meets reality and they are so much alike!
Want to bet that the Chump will claim credit for the imminent deluge of rain in S. California saying it put out the fires? This before he finds out that all that water will create another national disaster when it drops on the burned out areas and loads of landslides occur. But of course California and other Blue states aren’t really part of his new Un-united states of trump.
There isn’t anything they can’t twist. I’m sure when Portland slides into the sea (shlorp) during the mega-earthquake it will prove to have been our natural lot for our wickedness, which–have you noticed?–is still actively being promoted even now. Even after the two or three dumpster fires being blamed on all those, uh, Urban People have long lapsed into history.
Gov Newsom gets that extra “e” all the time. The orange clown is 25th Amendment certifiable. He’s taking a wrecking ball to reality. How can so many of his worshippers go far into La-La land with him? Yes, we are so very screwed.
His worshippers (the sTRUMPets) truly do not care if the things he says are true or not. Those things are basically cheers they can shout to work each other and themselves into a homicidal rage — just like shouts of “Sieg heil!” Though of course people who repeat lies often enough can come to believe them…
Gosh, Cindy, I’m so embarrassed. I even thought about googling Newsom because some part of me was “uhh…” but I didn’t. I usually write these things well in advance but obviously I wrote this one, like, yesterday. Anyway thanks and I fixed it now.
That idiot is totally clueless about how things actually work. Your country seems set to fizzle out into nothingness at a great speed unless somebody can gag and hogtie him for the next four years.
I find myself wondering what would happen if he were to disappear suddenly. All those spineless minions: would they just collapse into little smoking heaps of vertebrae?
I was following along quite well until your paper towels and FEMA—what’s FEMA?! Last I heard it was no longer ‘a thing.’
Well, you see, I wrote this two days ago. There was a FEMA then.
This Berkeley flamer whose daughter lives in LA loved this piece!
Honey, you’re not a flamer.
I hope the Stable Genius doesn’t read this because your solutions are just stupid enough for him to propose.
He’s already proposed half of them.
Of course, a man approaching 79 is concerned with water and flow…less to do with a smelt (though is he is immune to how he smells) but to a prostate issue. As he has been repeatedly quoted from his numerous visits to his urologist, “drill baby, drill”.
He probably also wants his followers to prostate themselves before him.
Your ‘editorial opinion’ piece should be published in newspapers, sorry new sites, in every city and town in America. And, in my opinion, the person who now occupies the Oval Office is not the president but the Liar in Chief.
Keep up the Excellent Writing!
Thank you.
This is brilliant! So perfectly constructed, starting small with his actual absurd ideas and then expanding until all I could think was how many MAGA people would think this a good idea.
I hate everything right now.
I’ve been thinking about what to do about trump, the slide into a nazi-like administration we’re seeing with increasing rapidity. He’s serious about chanisging our country, or at least those who are pulling his puppet strings are…are we to just meekly go into this?
I won’t. I’m a geezer of looking at 80 on my next trip around the sun. I’ll do what I can. I’ll shelter migrants, I’ll provide any support I can to people who trump’s syncopates are after. I’m too old to worry about ‘what if’s’.
People need to get off their ass and do something…when this happened before, in Germany, people just shrugged their collective shoulders, until they knocked on their door. You all going to do that? Whine into the internet about how much you don’t like it?
I for one, have often told Murr that I do not desire to live to a “ripe old age.” I fully expect that at some point, I will either be increasingly decrepit, or having vision issues, or on the verge of outliving my money. In that case, I will literally take matters into my own hands. So. I would have no qualms about protesting, or taking in people, or whatever. Suicide by police might be better than a razor blade in the bathtub. Or not. But we all die at some point. Most death seems meaningless. And it is ALWAYS undignified and messy.
i know this is depressing. But believe me, if you’re not depressed NOW, you just don’t have a grasp on how things are right now. I’ve read that pessimists have a firmer grasp on reality than optimists. That seems about right.
Mimi,
Sure – we’d be happy to annex Delaware as part of Canada. I’m in BC and have no such authority but I love Delaware. I go back to the bird carving world championships in Ocean City, MD just about every year and I always enjoy driving up the “Delmarva” coast and stopping at beaches and seafood restaurants. Great birding spots in Delaware.
It may be time to revive the notion of Cascadia — a country composed of California, Oregon, Washington and British Columbia. New England and the upper midwest could join eastern Canada, leaving the red states to muddle through on their own.
Please oh please take Colorado with you.