There was a time when it would have been inconceivable that a man who was not about to go into surgery would shave his balls. I know. I was alive at the time, and things were pretty much the same for the previous 300,000 years also. Evidently, now men are shaving their balls. On purpose.
It’s presented in the advertising as a hygiene issue, but it is not. It’s fashion. Men are shaving every damn thing. They usually leave some fancy hairdo right on top so you know which end is up. But the rest of it? Gone. It would appear that modern men and women are more attracted to bald male bodies than they used to be. Your modern man would mock Burt Reynolds in that famous centerfold, and that is because Burt Reynolds can no longer kick their shiny asses on account of being dead. But your modern man is going all in. He has a fortune in tattoo art to display. Mostly not on his balls.
So, balls. When it comes right down to it, I can think of a few advantages to hairless balls. But it seems like a lot of trouble. From what I hear, balls are sensitive. I believe it. I know they react like bashful starfish upon close inspection. What do they do when the razor shows up? Tuck up under the diaphragm and wait for the all-clear? Are balls with tiny bits of toilet paper stuck to them attractive? And think of the stubble. It’s going to itch. They were going to be scratching there anyway, but still.
You aren’t going to find another mammal interested in any of this. Even the ones that could hold a razor. You give a group of raccoons a bunch of razors and they’ll strike a pose and advance on you in formation like the fight scene from West Side Story but they will lose no fur.
There are lots of products out there. There’s the Ballber Groin Trimmer by Happy Nuts. There’s the Manscaped Lawnmower—be careful yanking that starter cord. There’s Ballsy. Ballsy comes with two heads so you have a spare in case you slice off y…oh wait, that’s two heads for the shaver, so you don’t have to use the same head for your face and your other place. As the ads say, you can “keep your privates trimmer away from your face.” Which is a little precious considering why you’re shaving your nuts in the first place. You are totally interested in being close to a face. Someone else’s.
But it’s not enough to prune your plums. You’re going to need a lot of other stuff no one ever needed before, so keep that wallet open. Ballsy sells a package (heh) which includes ball wash, sack spray, and nut rub. Ballsy’s Ballwash (“Nuts, Butt, and Body Wash”) isn’t going to work as well as the ball washer at the golf course, assuming you’re the right height, but you won’t have as much trouble with the hand crank. Sack Spray is an odor neutralizer. Nut rub is a solid cologne. No instructions on how much rub is needed or how long it should take to rub on.
Ballsy also sells something called Goodhead. It’s a shampoo, they say.
The nut rub comes in a few fragrances. Ocean and Air. Forest and Fields. Cedar and Citrus. Drift and Dunes, Bourbon and Barrel, Smoke and Suede. Pro tip, boys? Try Chocolate and Cherries and see where it gets you.
But if over-grooming still seems a little effeminate, you could try Squatch’s Pine Tar Deodorant. That don’t do it for you, maybe you’d be up for Attila’s Shredded Carhartts & Gun Oil.
Okay, I made that last one up, I thought. Then I looked it up. “Gun Oil Tactical Cream: A revolutionary masturbation cream that’s always ready-to-go. Our creamy formula never drips making cleanup a breeze,” they say. Keep that sock handy, though.
Presumably these guys are using all these products in order to get someone to give them a blow job. So, okay, maybe now they look cleaner and smell better. But what I want to know is: once you apply all these products… how does it taste?
Tastes like chicken.
Next is Botoxing the Balls to remove wrinkles.
LOL!! I’m sure you’ve heard that some people (male and female alike) have had the skin around their anuses bleached so that it matches the rest of their skin instead of being darker. I wonder what THEY’RE into.
Botox! Genius. There is another way to get most of the wrinkles out.
My goodness, what inspired this? Haha, I couldn’t comment here without at least reading this twice–all those products! Rather, all those UNNECESSARY products. Listen, I don’t keep that area bald but I do sheepishly admit to keeping things trim somewhat. No electronic gizmos for me, just a spare Schick Quattro razor, once a month. Yes that sac is touchy, but stretch it out, a couple swipes and you’re done. (And I’ve NEVER noticed any scratchy stubble—well, not on the testicles.) I just like the smooth feeling, which keeps certain things more taut and less saggy. And forget all those perfumey notions, a healthy sprinkle of Gold Bond Powder with Aloe is all you need! PS. Now I’ve got that Playgirl image of Burt Reynolds and his cigarillo stuck in my head… yeah he looked great! And if it was still the 1970s, and I had his cool bod, I’d be skippin’ the razor too… :^)-
Honestly, Doug, I didn’t know people *your* age do this too. What happened to all the hippies?
Hippies were actually before my time! :^) Seriously, I started it 15 or so years ago and it just became part of the whole grooming thing. cough
I was in the “hippie” generation, but I never was one. I preferred the “mod” look that Twiggy, Jean Shrimpton, and Vogue touted: lots of eyeliner, poufy hair, and micro miniskirts. Didn’t even own a pair of jeans until I was out of high school. ALL “looks” are an affectation; I’ve been through MANY in my lifetime (even two separate Goth phases.”, a “preppy” phase, and a “French” period.) I think it’s fun to play around with different aspects of yourself. Paul sometimes tells me it’s like living with Doctor Who.
Very interesting Mimi… meanwhile I’m wearing the same style clothes & hair at 60 that I did at 10!
I’ve said this before; Clearly no topic if off limits
Is that a complaint?
I’ve said this before; Clearly NO topic iss off limits…I admire that.
I’ve said this before; Clearly NO topic is off limits…I admire that.
You HAVE said this before!
Murr. I got nothing. Seriously. And furthermore, I do have a brand spanking new mac air since the other one went to the dark side this past week so any temptation to check out these products for myself? Nuh Uh.
Ah! You’re hoping to keep the new acquisition innocent! That’s why Pootie had to get pressed into service for this post; all the things I wanted to click on for appropriate images might have given me a virus. An actual virus.
Nope, nope, nopity. No.
Duly noted and recorded.
I never knew all this and cannot imagine a man allowing anything sharp near his privates, especially if handled by a woman (Bobbitt!). My fiancé says HELL NO! not hello. Now the photos…did he accidentally cut his off????
What I’m curious about in that photo: what is it made of? It looks like bread dough, which would be awesome at a dinner party; instead of serving bread sticks, you could serve bread dicks.
Dave made it long ago out of some sort of refractory material they used at work, rebuilding boilers. I need to get it out of my house now.
Then does it have a shorter refractory period?
It doesn’t have a short ANYTHING.
I had no idea. Actually I still don’t, although I guess I’m more informed.
Stubble. In. Mouth. — it is *such* a buzz-kill…mostly because it is unnervingly sparse in that location.
I had no doubt, none whatsoever, that you would pipe up here.
Well, of course I checked out Ballsy! Good news: Their products are vegan. But what good is that if use them to marinate your meat?
BTW, “prune your plums.” Just brilliant.
A certain cohort of my friends is weighing in! Excellent.
I know that many younger women are waxing their whoozits in the interests of “hygiene” Waxing, not shaving. Ripping the hairs out by the roots down there in the tender zone. Do you think waxing the sack will catch on? And I wonder about the lawsuits. Will men actually stand up in court and say, “I shaved my scrotum and then applied the nut rub according to the directions and it gave me such a rash! Their product is dangerous and does not, in fact, produce ‘a glistening enticing glow.’ It produces a rash that has not healed in six weeks and it itches like hell!”
Raccoon with razorblades will be featured in a nightmare coming soon to my pillow. Hate those vermin.
Dave once persuaded me to shave. His enticement was that it would make the area “more sensitive.” Oh it did. It did.
Nuts should be handled in specific ways, and your handling of the subject was masterful.
The only disappointment was that you didn’t address the issues of cashews, they are drupes, not nuts. Not enough people know, understand or care about this.
As for shaving, pruning, neatening, clear-cutting, cropping, snipping, paring down, trimming, etc., the thought of this gives me the willies – but could be inspiration for a Halloween decoration?
Could we call them drupey nuts?
I’ve never felt better about being unfashionable!
Last time everything was shaved down there was before surgery. Felt like a porcupine in my pants when it all started growing back. I’m not likely to do it again, unless there is some promised great reward. And it better be good.
I think you could negotiate a pretty good award, given the right personnel.
After two divorces, I no longer care what men do to their bodies, but apart from surgery, I don’t see any need for that area to be trimmed, shaved or anything else.
We’ve long since aged out.
Oh! Sweet Mary Jane! The second thing that popped into the weird area of my brain is that : don’t the ladies complain about his cornfield stubble? And then I thought of crop circles.And mandala.And how many Band-aids he’d get through.
But mostly, whenever I see adverts for smelly lotions et cetera, I think how fortunate I am to LIKE men to smell like men. Ok, not grubby blokes digging ditches all day, but men who, soaped and showered off with plain soap n water, smell like a man should.
Mine doesn’t smell like anything. It’s weird. I think about widows burying their noses in their husbands’ old shirts just to get that memory back, and I could bury my nose in almost anything, as long as it didn’t smell.
Eeeewwwww. Call me old-fashioned I guess. but the old feminist thought responding to the whole “shave all the post puberty hair off” psychology still bothers me. I prefer adult bodies on my adults.
I think it’s all about porn. Just as “real” people are competing with people with “perfect lives” on Instagram, “real” people are thinking that the people who do porn must have the “perfect sex life.” Dudes! They are faking it! Even the guys who ejaculate, because they’re totally picturing someone else! I am SO grateful that Paul and I have been together for 36 years despite the fact that “mental health professionals” would tisk at us. We all have failings — AND things that we excel at — and we appreciate that in each other. That seems to be a rarity in our world now. (Fortunately, the things we suck at seem to mesh beautifully with the things we do well. Together, we make a complete productive and sane person.)
Marsha has said many times that because of our individual deficiencies in different non-overlapping areas, together we make up one person. Glad to hear you say something similar, if not exactly the same. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we’re productive and sane. (Is that what E. E. Cummings meant by “one’s not half two. It’s two are halves of one”?)
I’m glad we’re not the only ones! I think this contributes to the longevity of our relationship. I really don’t know what one of us would do without the other.
But half a sane person on your own. Stay married.
But the post is still hilarious!
Kip, my adult body is self-exfoliating by the day.
Dear Ms Murrs,
Thank you for being our sage and counsellor in matters of modern etiquette. I gather from your latest column, that the (ahem) tables have turned? While most younger gentlemen have long and bushy *beards* which fly unrestrained and flutter in the wind like the branches of the weeping willow, their nuts are shaved and polished daily with Mrs. Harrison’s Patented Lemon Oil Formula for All Species of Wood?
This leaves me with a question. We inherited the monogrammed linen tablecloth and 16 napkins from the head table used at the wedding of my husband’s grandparents’ in 1891. The TC is 12 feet long, the napkins are 30 inches square. They are the *very bitch* to iron. Would it be discourteous of me to ask one of these fabulously bearded gentlemen if his balls are shaved, and if he answers in the affirmative, could I assume he’d be happy to iron that tablecloth for the upcoming holidays? Compared to ‘pruning one’s prunes’, ironing that bastard of a tablecloth should be a doddle. I await your guidance,
Yours Truly,
A Devoted Fan
LOL! I would LOVE to see Murr devote a whole column to etiquette questions! It would be a HOOT!
Dear Devoted Fan,
The staff at the museum you should donate that tablecloth to will be happy to iron it once and let you get something in permanent-press and get on with your life. Men who already shave their balls might get a notion to take an iron to them too and you don’t want that on your conscience.
In a 2016 survey conducted by Men’s Health, 50.5% of men aged 18 to 65 said that that they “manscaped on a regular basis”. So comparing these men to wannabe adult film actors or demanding they iron Civil War-era linens with the same voracity they apply to shaving their testicles… my God, hilarious! What year is it again in Pootlandia, 1907??
WAIT. THIS IS SOMETHING 65-YEAR-OLD MEN DO?
Well, I’m only 60 myself (okay 61 in a few weeks) but why NOT 65?! I hope I’m not all Grizzly Adams at that age!
Okay, okay…I’m a little alarmed by the thought that if this blog keeps going long enough I’ll know what all my commenters look like naked.
Oh, you young whipper-snappers in your EARLY sixties, with your shaved balls! Just wait. A few more years, baby… a few more years. I used to shave “down there” for a while, too. And it was about competing with porn. Then I realized it isn’t JUST about the shaved crotch. It’s about YOUTH. I couldn’t compete with that, so I stopped shaving THAT, at least. Other stuff (legs, arms, armpits) yeah, because I am a hairier than usual female (Slavic genes.)
(Sorry, Murr. Now you’ve “seen” me naked, too.)
Murr, I usually LOL at one or two of your sentences, but this time I was giggling all the way through. Thank you!
Well, I do like that.
I’m 83, live alone, and I love ironing! Not much opportunity at this point in my life. I’d be happy to do yours. I live in close-in southeast Portland. Contact me! (Not a joke.)
Murr, there MUST be a place here (or hereabouts) for a joke alluding to Genesis 27:11 “And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man” (KJB) but I believe you are more competent to write that joke than I am.
…So what you’re saying is that Jacob may have been the first “manscaper,” looked down on his brother because he went “au naturale”… then showed his mommy his manscaping skills? What a dysfunctional family!
I have had a ton of fun with Genesis over the years. Even thought about doing a bit of a re-write if I run out of other book ideas.
Show us what you’ve done with the genealogies, please!
Oh, my! You had me at “bashful starfish”. Sooo funny!!
You can see it, right?
Attila’s Shredded Carhartts & Gun Oil?
Nah. I’d skip the Carharrts, but Hoppe’s #9 is a damn fine scent. Giggity!
Whatever works, I say, whatever works.
OMG, I knew it was best to wait for comments. I love you all. But shave? I am in mourning for my geriatric bush. No one warned me it would disappear. Head and chin hair I got. I suppose I should be grateful for my healthy head hair.