Well golly. We took a walk down the street and discovered the bra store is gone. Lock, stock, and extra-large barrels. The Pencil Test has been a fixture for years now. It specializes in underwear for ladies with really big boobs, and maybe men too, if they’re not interested in minimizing. Although I think a good cone bra for large-breasted men would do a lot to take people’s attention away from their bellies.
First place you’d look for a big-boob store that’s gone missing would be the floor below, because that’s the natural progression of these things, but as far as I know there is no basement to the building. It’s sad. The place had a booming clientèle and a highly aggressive front window. I don’t care who you are, you’re going to look. There are bras of every color and every material and the mannequins—well, they were only busts—were outstanding. Pointed straight out to the street and it’s almost as if they followed you, like Mona Lisa’s eyes. I remember in the ‘70s when we saw our first mannequins with nipples. These mannequins had tattoos. Between that and the floral prints and lace and the sheer volume of it all, it was quite the show.
This was the proprietor’s second store. The first location was across the street. It was a bit problematic. Something made the windows fog up so badly it was hard to see the merchandise from the street. Don’t know if it was the weatherstripping or the spectators. So she jumped on the chance to get the new storefront in an old building with an old-school coffee shop on one side and a bar on the other. Really, whatever it was, if you couldn’t buy it on that block, you didn’t really need it.
You’d think the deck would be stacked against a specialized store like that, but she ran a steady business with lots of return customers.
So I don’t know if business was flat and sales were sagging or if there was a lack of support from the neighborhood. It always seemed busy to me. Holly, the woman who owned it, was a bra savant. She could look right at you, or a part of you, and tell you exactly what you needed, and that you needed it. As Oprah is fond of pointing up, we’re all wearing the wrong size bra, and Holly agreed. Holly had something for any circumstance. I, for instance, have a marked discrepancy between my cup occupants, and she had bras with pockets on the small side so you could stash a hamster in there and even things up.
I bought one myself at the Pencil Test’s first location. I thought I had things well in hand but she could tell, as soon as I walked in, that I was veering unacceptably close to uni-boob territory, and some sort of segregated containment system was called for. Whatever I had on was whatever I’d found most comfortable for me and provided the most support, but she swore up and down she could find something for me that was even more comfortable and looked good too. I guess it did. I wore it for a while and then it was in the wash and the old comfy uni-boob one came out and that was that. I don’t need to look good. I just don’t want to spook the horses.
And then of course I went online and found the spectacular seamless wireless bra made of fairy breath and butterfly feathers and sure it’s another uni-boob situation, but at this point corralling is the name of the game. If I don’t get everything all smashed together in the front I’m in danger of things sliding around and interfering with my back fat folds. It’s all too confusing.
So I’m not liable to need anything from The Pencil Test but I think it is a fine emporium for a specialized product and I was sorry to see it go. But wait! What’s this?
There’s a little handwritten sign on the door. See us in our new location! She’s in a brand-new store on MLK Blvd. She’s bouncing back!
Fabulous. And I should have known. These things never go away; they just change location.
Your report on “the sheer volume of it all” is delightful and uplifting.
Thank you for your support.
I hardly know what not to say.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! BTW Happy birthday, Bill!
I buy all my bras and such online. Montelle Intimates https://montelleintimates.com/?msclkid=3ef1ab563f0b1009b2a4ce424254e7c9&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Branded%20-%20Montelle%20-%20US&utm_term=Montelle%20Intimates&utm_content=Montelle%20-%20Brand%20-%20Core is a company based in Canada that is owned by women, and the lingerie is designed by women. I find the bras pretty, flattering, and COMFORTABLE.
I get mine online too. Different outfit.
Hilarious, as usual.
A dear departed friend had always been pretty flat-chested until she was put on steroids. We went to lunch and were sitting in a back booth when she said, “I woke up last Saturday morning, rolled over and there *these* were.” She look around for second to make sure no one was watching, then discreetly cupped and lifted, so I would have no doubt as to what “these” she meant before she continued. “I poked Rafe in the ribs and asked him, ‘What are we supposed to do with these?’ He looked at my chest for a few seconds, said, ‘I dunno, I’m a leg man myself.’ Then he rolled over and went back to sleep.” God, I miss her, even after 20 years I still miss her.
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
I love how you can take almost any subject and make it funny.
The current world situation do test me.
I could go with the pertinent points and the double entendres, but hey! You’ve already breasted the tape.
Bravo!
Coffee-snorting material this morning, Murr! Thank goodness I didn’t have my Containment System on yet.
My containment system routinely collects yard debris when I’m gardening. I’m always groping around in there evicting dirt and weeds.
Next to one of the only two remaining shoe-repair shops in the county is a Christian bookshop. While looking for a parking space for the shoe joint I saw a handwritten sign on the door to the bookshop advertising the services of a custom bra maker, specializing in big-chested women. That sign was there for years. I told my wife about it and she showed no interest until last week. (Do I need to finish this tale? You have already guessed where it’s going.) The last time I went by, the sign was gone. Anyway, thank you for another perfectly told story! (I’ve been trying to think of a bra joke, but I got nuttin’ but the phrase I learned from the other junior high boys, “over-the-shoulder boulder holder.”)
A classic!
Another great column!!! I wear a bra only when I have to as I hate wearing one and I have smallish boobs. The last comment about “over the shoulder bolder holder”, tho, is in the Bette Midler song about the inventor of the brassiere. The song is “Otto Titsling” and it fits with this post.
The earliest reference I could find was this, on Wiki: “Otto Titzling is a fictional character apocryphally described as the inventor of the brassière in the 1971 satire Bust-Up: The Uplifting Tale of Otto Titzling by New Zealand humorist Wallace Reyburn.” I can’t recall when I first heard it. Being an old fart, there’s a lot I can’t recall…
And fits properly, of course!
Are bra sales doing any better or worse than the national average in Sag Harbor, NY?
They’re booming in the Grand Tetons.
HAHAHAHA!