Psst. I’ve got a new investment opportunity and I’m going to let you in on the ground floor. It can’t fail. I’ve got the idea. Prototype development, research, seed money, a marketing plan, promotional materials, an advertising budget, and disinfectant is where y’all come in.
It’s all a matter of current trends>trajectory>bird lore>synthesis. And, as the eventual consumers of my new product would probably say, Wallah!
Item One: If I type “pubic” into a search engine bar, it autofills to “pubic hair styles.” Item Two: pubic hair transplants are a thing that is available. That is, people get them.
What sort of pubic hair styles are there, anyway? Most of them involve some degree of personal topiary achieved by shaving or permanent hair removal. Many, if not most, young people engage in it, and lice didn’t get a vote. There is the Heart, the Landing Strip, the Postage Stamp (less evocative since stamps went peel-off), the Martini Glass, and of course, the Full Brazilian, which is where you end up if you keep trying to even everything up.
And why would anyone want pubic hair implants? Well. Turns out some people have had laser pube removal and regretted it. They jumped on the Brazilian bandwagon as impetuous youths and only later saw what sort of hedge clipping they could have had. Others, such as some trans people, need fill-ins after surgeries.
They are not only using the same technology as head-hair transplants, but acquire donor hairs from the same location. The follicles are punched out of the scalp either in congenial groups (plugs) or individually, and reinserted where desired. The new hair does not notice it’s now in Rome, however, and doesn’t do as the Romans do. It keeps growing and wonders why everything got so dark.
This does allow for yet more pubic hair styles, such as your bob, your sassy flip, or your ever-popular shag. A mullet is out of the question. No one needs that party in the back.
For those not interested in surgery, there is the Merkin. A merkin is a temporary snatch thatch. Pubic wigs have been around since at least 1450. They were commonly worn by prostitutes who shaved their privates to discourage lice, or who for one reason or the other (usually just the one reason) have something to hide. For the ladies, they can be worn hanging from a nude G-string like a pennant at a used-car lot, or secured with spirit gum. Merkins for men look like a fuzzy donut and, coconut flakes be damned, even our local famous Voodoo Donuts doesn’t offer a donut that looks like something you found under the sofa. The merkin is designed to slide over the available knobbage. If you’re hosting a party that is beginning to lose steam, you could set yourself up like one of those carnival booths where you toss the ring over the bottle. Assuming you charge for the chance, you can have those transplants paid for in no time.
The word “merkin” may have originated as “marykin,” a nickname for Mary. As it happens, Murr is also a nickname for Mary. That’s when the light bulb went on.
Introducing the Murrkin! The Murrkin is a pubic wig made entirely of feathers, using avian stealth technology. Rather than hanging inertly from a central location, it is attached or implanted in rows on either side of your business zone, just like a bird’s belly feathers. Most people assume your standard chickadee is covered in soft, tiny feathers on its belly, but it is not. It’s a combover. If you hold that bird upside-down and blow on its belly feathers—and I don’t care who you are, this is rude—you will see that it is naked underneath. But you can get an ornithologist to do it for you, no problem, because they study birds so hard they have lost their sense of propriety.
Now anyone curious to see what is under your feathered Murrkin has only to get very close and blow on it. It’s pretty much the desired effect. Everyone wins.
Stay tuned for the Initial Pubic Offering announcement.