Can you stay healthy sitting on your dead ass? You bet your biffy.

Introducing The Heart Seat! The Heart Seat is a connected toilet seat (they all are, ideally) that gathers vital signs and other data and sprays it through the ether directly to your doctor’s office. It’s a data dump, as it were. The company claims the device can learn lots of things during a “90-second sit”—sure, let’s call it a Sit!—on the toilet. For instance, if it just took 90 seconds, you’re a girl, although you might already have suspected that. But they’re also looking for such things as heart rate, EKG, cardiac output, and blood pressure. Elvis could have flatlined his doctor in real time with one of these.

The Heart Seat aims to be an improvement on the current diagnostic model that relies on the patient to take home a mess of monitoring devices and report to the doctor; because sometimes the patient will do that, and sometimes the patient will swear up and down they’re going to do it just as soon as Family Feud is over, and then they go to the kitchen for a bag of chips. But everybody ends up on the pot. “The toilet seat can help move the needle on the adherence front,” is the unfortunate way a company spokesman put it, although no one really wants to think of toilets and moving needles at the same time. Or adherence. Still, this thing has a software application and is connected to the cloud, which sounds downright comfy.

You’re going to be on that seat anyway, the thinking goes, at least in your better households. Just think how handy this would have been in my North Dakota Grandma’s day! The biffy was way out there in the in the windbreak (you only thought you knew why they called it a windbreak). With a Heart Seat and uninvented wifi, Ol’ Doc Pritchart could have determined the exact moment someone’s ass froze off.

The Heart Seat is for cardiac patients, and it can distinguish among household members by means of biometrics, such as weight, although I suspect there are a number of other ways to tell who’s on the pot, given a timer and a methane detector. It’s a good way to keep on top of your health issues while you’re on top of your other issues. It can sort out your blood oxygen levels even with all the other gases in the vicinity. And the high-end model can dispatch a drone with a hemorrhoid cream.

The company is proud to say their device is able to successfully identify noise from signal, which is good, because sometimes there’s a lot of noise. Is that your heart going off like a jackhammer, for instance, or is something else going on that sounds like it? Your toilet seat knows. Your toilet seat knows your cardiac output, and can tell it from your other output. I don’t know exactly what cardiac output is, but I think it shouldn’t be in your stool.

The Heart Seat is in beta. In order to qualify for trials, everyone in your house has to weigh under 350 pounds and have good wifi and an elongated seat.

Toilet seat.

I see no reason to confine the festivities to cardiac patients. I mean, you’re right there, with all the equipment God gave you, and lack only a robotic probe with good aim for a prostate exam. A roving camera could Roomba its way across your personal real estate and fire off a report to the dermatologist, especially if you help by hauling up the flappy bits. You’re even in a terrific position for a pedicure. Be sure to leave a good tip.

Hat tip to Sharon Hull for this breaking medical news.