There I was in my comfy chair, which is where I wonder what to do next, and whether to bother, and once again I notice the tiny lesion on my arm. It’s my opinion that a dermatologist would like to look at that if only he knew about it, so I took a photo of it on my phone, and then I went to my Kaiser account and sent a message to my doctor with the photo attached. Then I sat and wondered some more. Ping! My doctor replied that I might should make an appointment to see her about a dermoscopic picture to send to the dermatology department. (To see anyone in the dermatology department, you need a recent dermoscopic picture, a personal essay, a gift basket, and four months.) I made an appointment to see my doctor in January and sat some more.
Crud. Now I have to get out of the chair to put this on my calendar, because that is how I roll. It’s a paper calendar with nice nature photography on it and it hangs on my wall, just like Mom’s used to. If I remember to look at it every now and then, it works like anything. I don’t maintain a digital calendar. For some reason I’ve been initially baffled every time I tried to set up a digital calendar with Reminder Pings and everything, and initial bafflement is usually enough to put off the whole learning process. So, paper calendar it is.
But the calendar was clear across the room. So I sat and wondered: I wonder if I, the improved modern sedentary version of myself, could set up a digital calendar like everyone else now? Then I could stay in my chair. Let’s give it a shot. So I gave it a shot. It worked this time.
That wasn’t so bad! Alexa, I hollered, still sitting, turn on KQAC radio. Alexa did, after talking about it long enough that it sounded like she expected to be thanked. The music was good. They were playing something nice for piano and cello, and I’m on the lookout for piano/cello music because I have a pet tame cellist holed up right next door. I checked the website for the playlist and found out what I was listening to, and then went to a sheet music website and ordered it. It was seven dollars for a download. I downloaded it and hit Print and somewhere behind me, my printer, apparently caught off-guard and in a good mood, started to churn and chunk out my music. Wow!
I’m getting the hang of this modern life after all. I have taken a picture and made an appointment and turned on the radio and bought sheet music without once peeling a butt cheek molecule from my chair. That’s a wonder right there. I felt amazement! I felt pride! I felt that finally I understood why America’s ass has gotten so wide. And by America’s, I mean My.
My ass is getting wider. It is threatening to occupy the available volume, like a gas. Soon it will be so wide it will start to square up at the sides where it hits the arms of my chair. I will have the ass of a large bald wombat. I will need a butt-horn and lotion to get into my pants.
I always thought my ass looked pretty decent from the right angle. Pretty soon it’ll be nothing but right angles. My gawd. I will be pubic in the front and cubic in the back.
What can I do? Without getting out of the chair? I have the entire internet in my lap. Think!
Here we go. Here it is. One Papasan chair, for ample spreadage and a rounder mold. The tufted buttons will give me dimples like God’s Own Cellulite but we’ll cross that fridge when we come to it. Free shipping! Coupon! Now to wait.
Ping. Shit. Just delivered. It’s on my porch. Which is way the hell over there.
Alright, that chair (that looks like it came straight from an old episode of Rhoda) gave me a chuckle, has it really come to that, Murr? 😄! Okay, now this is the truth–like you, I rely on a paper calendar hanging on my kitchen wall. I buy one annually from Arizona Highways. But I got my first smartphone this past summer, and have been trying to adapt to the Google calendar. So a few weeks ago, I added to it an appointment on December 29th at my dentist for a teeth cleaning. The day before the 29th, my phone alerted me to my appt and added I’d be seeing Kaylee. The following day, I’m at the dentist and the receptionist said Doug, you’re going to be working with Kaylee today. I asked, did you somehow edit the appointment on my smartphone? Or see my name out there on Google worldwide calendar or something? Nina gave me a puzzled look and asked how could or would she do that. To this day, I have yet to figure out how Kaylee was added to my Google calendar!
You need to get the bitch on the phone.
Dammit, I forgot to add that when I first opened your page here and saw you sitting in that chair with the measuring tape, Lily Tomlin as Edith Ann immediately came to mind. I hope you get good news back on that arm lesion. ♥️🙂
Thanks. I did. Lichenoid keratosis. Isn’t it cool they name skin conditions after lichens? Anyway it’s benign, and if I want it begone, they can zap it, but I don’t care.
I, too, have paper calendars. I have a week at a glance “diary” type for my regular chores and appointments. I have a wall calendar that I get free in the mail from whomever, where I plan our meals for the week. Yes, I am an organized person. Don’t hate me for that; it is a blessing… and a curse. I am basically the character “Monk” in a dress and makeup.
I’m whatever the opposite of Monk is. I’m not sure why I’m still alive except that people keep showing up to take care of me and keep me pointed in the right direction.
Yep, paper calendar, which I love. It features vintage magazine illustrations of women from the 40s and 50’s, but with funny, snarky, modern comments making fun of those decades. And I need one of those Wide Load signs they put on a truck to move a house, but attached to my waistband in back. Maybe a backing up beeper. Have you ever tried a Papasan chair? At our age, with these new physiques, we’d have to rock violently side-to-side in hopes of turning the whole thing over just to get out. Might be counter-productive.
Yeah, those chairs look really hard to get out of — not only because of a “wide load”, but they look reminiscent of a “bean bag chair.” They were hard to get out of no matter your shape.
You are funny!
“That Murr, she’s a little funny.”
Such memories! In 1970 John and I, along with another couple, hopped on our motorcycles (NOT the luxurious road bikes you see today) for a fun drive from our northern Wisconsin home to Minneapolis, a bit over 200 miles. Went straight into the heart of the city and checked into a fancy pants hotel. While shopping the adjoining department stores we saw our first papasan chair. Like the one in your photo but with a leather(ish?) cushion and matching footstool. Amused by it until I sat in it. OMG, it was like being cradled in a soft warm lap!! Since there was no way to get it home on the aforementioned bike, I was heartbroken to have to leave it behind. But then, the extraordinarily kind and astute salesperson mentioned that they could deliver it the 200+ miles to our home. Bingo!!! That wonderful chair not only moved back to Portland with us, but even today sits restfully in our youngest son’s living room. (He can still get out without assistance. 😁)
You coulda brought it home yourself but they’re so non-aerodynamic. Now I want to go over to World Market and sit in one. See if I can get out.
Next time, you’ll use Shazam or Sound Hound to look up what that music was. Researching a playlist on a website involves so.much.work.
My goodness dearie me, I’m sure you’re right. I suspect half the stuff around here, all I have to do is think at it to make it go. And if it understands my thinking, maybe it will sort if out for me and print it up so I can understand it too.
This speaks to me. I’ve just gotten a new job, and for the first time in two years I’ve taken to trying on my “work clothes”. Who bought these skirts, and why do they look/feel like sausage casings?
Alexa, make me get up and exercise…
I meant to say Congratulations on your new job, Pearl! If those sausage casings split open, it’s only because you’re hot.
In the 80s we had a cheap Papasan chair. We called it the cuddle chair, and anyone who wanted climb in for a cuddle could do so without asking. Try it! You’ll like it!
I haven’t seen one in anyone’s house for decades. I was surprised they’re so easy to find. I’m thinking of popping over to the World Market–we’ve got one in town–and trying it out.
Hah! So you have to get up after all.
I’ve got my own funny lesion/mark/mole whatever that popped up right after Christmas and I know I’m going to have to get it looked at, but for now I’m just keeping any eye on it. It’s a tiny teardrop shape in pink.
I like the papasan chair.
Mine is benign and I didn’t even have to beshovel myself out of my chair to find out. Well, yeah, to get the photo, but after that–recliner city.
Some folks fib a little.Some tell stonking great lies. And the writers of this world take a more plastic approach and turn facts into amusing little stories.
THIS REMINDS ME : I need to ‘tell’ my shiny new paper calendar to remind me, when I turn to February, that I have a bill due for payment…
I wish I knew which of my stories were lies. I mostly don’t.
I have a smart phone, computers, a tablet, and wall calendars because I actually remember to look at them. Sometimes. It’s nice to see how each day relates to the others instead of just being a random number on a screen. Even at work where I have all the modern technology. Why I am still working at this age is a long story of stupidity and bad decisions.
I totally relate to the ass-in-chair syndrome and skin lesions, too, but I should start up my blog again to rant about that.
Why bother? You can rant here.
I love papasan chairs. Especially the bigger ones. Its like nesting, you can curl up and still have room for tater and pootie and a book or two.
And once you are curled up you can take a long look at your skin garden and marvel about all the things that can grow on aging skin. Lichens, barnacles, Nevis etc.
I have trained my dermatologists staff to just prep the room with the ” freeze gun” and biopsy supplies when they see me. Paying the price for a life as a beach baby…
My god, do you remember? We got all oiled up and lay out there in the blazing sun with extra aluminum sheets to concentrate the goods. We also did sit-ups with our legs straight. I don’t do sit-ups anymore, so I’ve solved that.
Better get off your duff if you know packages are on your porch! They won’t be there long thanks to the package thieves in town.
That’s what they say on NextDoor, for sure. A place I should never visit if I ever want to smile at my neighbors again.
I’ve only had one package stolen off my front stoop. The thief left the box, packing material, and packing list on the curb. The trouble is, I was home at the time, but delivery guys don’t ring the doorbell anymore, and sometimes deliver quite late at night. So, I solved this by getting a “motion-sensitive driveway chime” (or, as I call it, “the deedle-deedle), but I have it trained on my front walk. Now, whenever I get a package or the mail comes, I can get it before someone else does. Unless Paul and I are BOTH out… then all bets are off.
My laptop tells me I have a package on the porch, but it can’t be bothered to fetch it for me. It did just occur to me, though, on the rare days I have more trash than my little can will handle, I could box up the excess and leave it on my porch…
All the talk of papasans reminded me of a chair that I recall was even harder to get out of when I was a kiddo. It had absolutely nowhere to lean one’s hands when trying to get up. If I sat down in one today, the only method of escape would be to tip the whole thing sideways until I hit the floor, or to call the fire department. An absurd amount of googling found me the name — a “butterfly sling chair.” (There’s probably room for a “mamasan” joke in these comments, but I can’t think of one, nor have I ever met one.)
I had to look it up, but oh yeah! That sucker is all about tipping over. MAYBE if one had sufficient abdomen muscles you could self-eject, but I’m never going to be able to test that.
I think additional muscles would be required to stick the landing — else, a bellyflop.
My recliner is so comfortable, I often fall asleep in it. If it weren’t for excretory functions, I might never leave it.
By the way, whatever happened to the quilts that you and your cousin(?) were passing back and forth? Those were fascinating!!
Odd you should mention it. They stopped with me at least a year ago, because I had custody of both and kind of didn’t get around to working on them, even though I was in lockdown. Then I got a notion about three weeks ago and put another border on Annie’s and sent it off, after all this time, and now I’ll work on mine. Maybe I’ll post some photos on facebook although with this particular challenge I don’t think I did interim pictures.