I get my most reliable medical information from the full-page spreads in the newspaper that say “Paid Advertisement” at the top. You should never trust an advertisement that’s purchased on credit. This recent one caught my eye:
Pills May Replace Diapers And Padded Underwear At Stores
This is an exciting development, although I’d think it would have to be a really large, spongey pill. The pill in question is called UriVarx and according to the ad it “contains ingredients that keeps the bladder from releasing voluntarily.” There’s no further explanation, so I assume the pill, with its ingredients, gets lodged in the exit hole of the bladder. I do have some limited acquaintance with Adult Onset Panty Despoilment and despite the difficulties the condition presents, I would prefer–call me a urinary libertarian–to maintain my bladder’s ability to release voluntarily. But corking the sucker up altogether might be an attractive option in the short run.
According to WebMD, the main symptom of urinary incontinence is involuntary release of urine from the bladder. (Similarly, nausea is characterized by a barfy feeling.) According to the proprietor of the UriVarx ad, the unfortunately named Dr. Damaj, your bladder muscles weaken as you age. This doesn’t surprise me in the least. Judging from the condition of the muscles on the outside of me, I suspect everything inside is flapping away in there like hung laundry.
Many UriVarx users report that their bladders have never been stronger. Some of them are positively ripped. And “adult pads and diapers are no longer a worry.” This is a relief! You get a closet full of those and you never know when they’re going to turn on you. Marie L. of Danbury, CT exults that thanks to UriVarx, she is no longer living in constant fear of finding a bathroom. This is a serious concern. Those suckers are everywhere; there’s no getting away from them.
Furthermore, “research shows that as we get older, the muscles which surround the bladder weaken. This is caused by hormonal changes in the body that causes the muscles to weaken.” This brings to mind several questions:
(1) Are the muscles that surround the bladder supposed to be intimidating?
(2) Are there any good money in pharmaceutical advertisement editing?
Coincidentally, another full-page ad two pages later also featured the pioneering work of Dr. Damaj. “Apeaz” (pronounced either Appease or Ape-Ass) is an arthritis painkilling cream. Its “powerful effect is created by the cream’s active ingredient, a special medical compound.” Even better, every container of Apeaz comes with a breakthrough pill named ArthriVarx, which also contains special compounds.
ArthriVarx is probably related to UriVarx. I’m holding out for AardiVarx, which has been shown to cure ants. Or its predecessor ArchaeoVarx, with its key stomping ingredients and tiny little arms. You rub it on Jurassic.
Even if this was a "medical breakthrough", and not the scam that is obviously is, I am leery of taking pills for anything that isn't life threatening. If I pee my pants a little when laughing, I will not actually die of embarrassment. Probably not metaphorically, either. I'd just do laundry more often.
So far I don't pee a little while laughing, which is a REALLY GOOD THING. That's more laundry than I care to do. Now, sneezing…
Did surgery about ten years ago. It has worked like a charm. Now, if I could only unplug the other exit on a regular (get it?) basis, I would be good to go. As it were.
As it were.
You did see all my fiber posts, right? I've been eating gobs of yams and stuff and that train pulls up to the station right on schedule.
Steel-cut Oatmeal. Really.
I eat that every morning.
"…You rub it on Jurassic." Bahahaha!!!
Coming soon to fine stores everywhere: FartaVarx, to stop those embarrassing rectal odour leaks…
I'd feel like I'd lost part of my personality if that got stopped. Of course, the case could be made that I should be embarrassed more.
Oh, dear! You just know that someone, somewhere is working on a pill to make one's farts smell like roses…..
Mine already do.
I've found my own "cure" for involuntary leakage. No pills containing any kind of Varx necessary. Much less coffee, which of course translates to much less sugar, which seems to be the real culprit. I can drink gallons of water with no trouble at all throughout the day. One cup of coffee, sugared, is okay too. But two coffees and I don't dare go out anywhere in case I can't find a toilet fast enough.
Hmm. So you have to weigh the deliciousness of the coffee against the laundry consequences.
I can live without coffee.
I can live without coffee. If the culprit was chocolate I'd be in Real Trouble.
AardiVarx – LOL!! So many plays on words, but that rises to the top 🙂
I wish there was a minimum font size in which "Paid Advertisement" had to be printed. Some people read those ads as real news in their desperation for a solution to very real problems, and it's easy to miss the header.
They're probably easily cured, too.
Even worse are the nefarious websites. They don't have "advertisement" anywhere, they just try to sell you magic pills, and people fall for that. BTW, if you get spam about Canadian pharmacies, they aren't really coming from Canada. They've just chosen the most amicable country they think of. And we are pretty fine but we aren't necessarily the place for cheap drugs. Off on a tangent. Maybe there's a pill for me.
But…but…but they SAY Canada!
L laughed so hard I almost peed. Dr Damaj!
(It tells us a lot about a country that allows men to make decisions for women and also allows scams like this)
I know, right? Dr. Damaj and his Varks. I knew a chiropractor once named Dr. Doom. His clients were mostly exotic dancers, one of whom always brought her python. Our blog hostess would have LOVED him.
We used to have a gynecologist here in town named Harry Dick.
Oh wait! My own gynecologist is named Dr. Pisscheck! It's not spelled that way, but it's pronounced that way!
Sigh. I KNOW where all those pesky bathrooms are. And they don't scare me. I even know (and remember) which ones should be only visited in times of emergency, which ones mean that embarrassment is preferable, and which ones are welcoming.
Dr Damaj can just piss off.
Oh, now. He's probably a whiz.
I think I'll pass on this subject. Although I can bring up the fact that I once sped home at over ninety mph at my spouses urgent urging. Since I didn't pull over in spite of the cops siren when I pulled into our driveway and my spouse flew into the house the officer was very understanding. It also help that he was a former student of min
Next time I get caught for speeding, I'm definitely going to get out of the car hopping from one foot to the other and holding my crotch. It's worht a shot.
I was pronouncing "Apeaz" with a Texas accent…ahhh peeeez. You am funny, Murr. And, "Are there any good money in pharmaceutical advertisement editing?".
So my six pack bladder will hold a six pack?
For a minute!
Oh dear. Something that plugs us up? Is there no middle ground. WE have timed-release pills, why couldn't something like that work?
Why don't you try these, and then get back to us?