Today’s topic is The Roof, and what gets stuck on it.

You think you have things well in hand in life, and then you find out you’ve been doing something wrong all along, and it’s a plumb miracle you’re still alive. Like how you should flip your mattress every other month and throw it out after ten years or tiny bugs will eat your face off. Or like how you’re 23 years old before someone tells you you’ve been wiping your butt the wrong way.

That one’s a stunner.

Not long ago I read that you should make a point of relaxing your tongue so it isn’t jammed up onto the roof of your mouth. This will relieve stress. So the next night that my monkey mind and I were awake when we didn’t want to be, I thought: is my tongue jammed up onto the roof of my mouth? Why, yes it was. I lowered it.

And it zipped right back up again like that piece of cellophane you can’t shake off your hand. I ordered it to stand down again. It wouldn’t. Now I’m really stressed. My tongue began feel large and ungainly and quite possibly plotting to shut off my airway. Sixty-eight years of détente with my own tongue and now we have a terrorist situation. This was ridiculous. Besides, there was no evidence of tension in my jaw. Quite the opposite, according to the puddle of drool on my pillow.


There was an article online from a Life Coach who recommends tongue-relaxing. She says it’s effective at “quietening the mind.” Mind quietenation is the goal. The good woman swears that taking her tongue off the roof of her mouth and keeping it from moving reduces internal chatter and allows her to focus 100% on what her clients are saying. She says you can achieve this by holding your tongue between your thumb and forefinger. If my life coach did that in a session, I’d cancel my appointments and go straight back to alcohol.

So today I looked it up, and by gum if there’s not such a thing as Proper Tongue Posture. This irritates me no end. I count on a lot of the daily operation of my corporeal self to be running smoothly in the background, with no direct supervision from me. And I’ve been very happy over the years to have my tongue be one thing I didn’t have to think about. But glory be! It turns out the proper tongue posture is resting against the roof of the mouth after all! Gently resting, away from the teeth, lips closed, teeth slightly parted. We will all agree to ignore Dave when he says he wasn’t aware I had a resting tongue posture. I in fact do, and that is it.

So this story has a happy ending after all, and the added benefit of making me think about the roof. Specifically, I needed to climb out a tower window and stand on the roof to take a picture of the outside of my window to send to a window repair guy. So, there being a ten-minute break in the rain we’re not complaining about, I went out on the roof. Know what’s resting gently on our roof?

Raccoon poop. Lots and lots and lots of raccoon poop. The roof used to be their dance floor and now it’s their latrine. I hope they’re wiping the right way.

Merry Christmas, everybody!