Someone’s been charged with murder in two cold cases here. In the first case, they just assumed the murder took place, in the absence of a body. I don’t know: it’s hard enough to keep track of all the people we have and if someone lies low for for a while it seems rude to just conclude, ipso fucto, he’s been murdered. I suppose there are clues. I, for instance, can hole up inside the house for a long time–I’ve got toys–but if a few weeks go by and nobody sees any beer bottles in my recycling there might be cause to worry.
Anyway, the cases appear to have been broken due to forensic genealogy. That’s the relatively new practice of sleuthery using data that were volunteered to an outfit like Ancestry or 23andMe. Our murderer might have had cause to wonder just how much Neanderthal he had in him and didn’t stop to think that dribbling drool into a tube might have consequences for him down the line. (I’m guessing there was a lot of Neanderthal.) Or maybe he just wanted to reassure himself he was super white.
He was connected to the first murder due to the discovery of Probable Murderer DNA in the victim’s house. He was connected to the second murder due to the discovery of the victim’s dismembered remains in his shed. In criminal investigation circles, that’s considered a red flag. I’m guessing he lives in the boonies, and didn’t need his mower for a while.
He’s also being investigated for a number of other unsolved murders. They’d have him in the slammer already, if any of the detectives searching his house had gotten a craving for fish sticks.
It makes me think of when the Bob Crane murder case was reopened after the discovery of “previously overlooked” brain tissue in the suspect’s car. It wasn’t enough to convict, but again, highly suspicious, there being vanishingly few innocent ways to get brain tissue in your car, even with the worsening pothole situation.
The other thing it makes me think of is I don’t really know what-all is in our shed, and maybe I should find out.
Dave built the shed a long time ago and it has two doors that swing open wide. One of them opens easily by turning a bent nail and the other one is latched shut by two eye-bolts that slot into a cavity, and you have to pull them out from the inside. For thirty years now I’ve bothered to open that door only a couple times. If I want anything on the right side, I hold onto the middle post and swing my body around like a pole dancer. There’s too much stuff on the floor to actually step all the way inside. I am not tidy.
I do have four big containers of water in there somewhere for The Earthquake, and I should replenish them one of these days, but it’s a bother, and I figure even real old water would be fine in an emergency. Anyway I can’t rule out a body part or two. It’s not a big shed, but not everybody is all that big, and things happen. I know we have a saw.
We did find a whole cat tail in there once. Just the tail. Seemed like there had to be a story connected, and I was content to just wonder about it, because I don’t reserve my sentiment for outdoor kitties. Cats are wonderful creatures but once they step outside they’re coyote chow as far as I’m concerned. Anyway, months later, we did see a tailless cat skulking around the yard. I’d like to say we had ways of making him talk, but we didn’t.
Wow about those murders, but I admit to having a good laugh over the suspects' DNA & theories why he gave it up: "Or maybe he just wanted to reassure himself he was super white". Haha! I miss the days when murderers were far more clever to fool detectives like Columbo! Oh well, you can't even make a prank phone call these days… anyway, enjoyed reading about your shed, Murr. Gosh I never thought I'd be saying that–but you DO have a way with words. 🙂
If only I had a way with tools.
You do realize that if the police have read this they are probably already filing for a search warrant? Let's hope all they find is cat DNA.
Heck, they could just waltz in there, like everyone else who comes down the alley looking for free stuff.
Pfft! "Hiding" a body in a shed is for murderers who don't know WTF they're doing. It's the worst possible place for a body.
The best possible place? Glad you asked! You go to a cemetery where they have already dug a grave for the next day and placed a tarp on it. That night, you dig the hole deeper (it doesn't have to be really deeper — just enough to completely cover the body.) Add body. Add soil. Tamp it down to make it look just as it did before. Cover with tarp. The next day, they will bury the coffin intended for the grave, thereby concealing your little mistake forever. (Unless they have some reason to dig up the top body. Then you are royally screwed.)
No, I'm sticking with having the body stuffed and taxidermed and put inside a wall that doesn't make sense, so the next people who remodel find it.
When we lived in the Low Country of SC, I learned of the country practice of burying your victim out in the pasture under a dead cow. Ew.
Under a dead buried cow, or just under a dead cow?
It is our compost bins rather than the shed which might bear investigation. Years back a gardening guru told the world that if your pet was small (under 10 kilos he said) you could compost it. I was peeved that night and told himself that we had nearly enough compost bins. I have added more since.
Really? I wonder how long I'd let it go before I turned it and checked it.
Sometimes if you just drag it out in the woods, the local wildlife will remove it for you.
I'm waiting for the local wildlife to remove our outdoor cats.
Brain tissue? In a car?
Not *live* brain tissue. At least not in 80% of the drivers in our neck of the woods.
Bob Crane's brain tissue. Yes.
I'm kind of stuck on the image of you holding on to the center post, and 'swinging (your) body around like a pole dancer'. You will forgive me, but the thought of that kinda makes me giggle….
The outfit is rarely what you'd want to see, however.
Previously overlooked brain tissue? How is it possible to overlook brain tissue? Unless it WASN'T there in the first examination, but made a later appearance, which would indicate a second murder.
Nope. It was there all along.
Maybe you slammed the door without noticing the cat making a hasty exit? This is a case for Sherlock. I liked your brain tissue and pot-holes connection.
I like your brain tissue too! Oh.
Innocent feral brain tissue in the car reminds me of a news story I read when I was a little kid. A woman who had been out shopping was driving home on the highway on a hot summer day. She heard a bang in the car, then felt a sharp pain in the back of her head. She reached up to feel a thing oozing from the back of her head. She immediately pulled over. When the police encountered her stopped on the side of the highway sitting very still, holding the back of her head, she informed them, “I’ve been shot in the head, and I’m holding my brains in.” Imagine her relief when the cops informed her that her tube of biscuits exploded in the heat. The metal end of the tube and a raw biscuit hit the back of her head. The metal fell and the biscuit dough stuck.
No poppin' a cap, just poppin' fresh!
Irreverent and funny as hell, this site.
Innit? We have fun here. Oh wait–Saturday's coming up…uh-oh….