I’m always looking for a way to advance science, and three recent articles pointed out some possibilities. Unfortunately, I’m too afraid of the water to become a dolphin snot collector, and although I would be only too happy to harvest semen from a snot otter, that involves travel. So that leaves poop donation.
It has only been recently that dolphin snot has hit the news. The promise for research breakthroughs seemed endless. Could we one day cure the heartbreak of plankton-induced asthma? Develop a new marine adhesive from porpoise boogers? Sadly, none of this is on the horizon. Dolphin scientists are excited about snot collection only because it is a good source of dolphin DNA, which has proved invaluable in the study of, uh, dolphins. Previous attempts to scavenge DNA from a dolphin involved remote techniques using a crossbow or a long pole. This worked well, as far as it went, but only allowed researchers to study irritable dolphins, with no controls for amiability. With the new snot collection discovery, they now need only use a bucket and a boat and locate a pod of dolphins with kelp allergies, and it’s DNA city.
Snot otter semen is, to my mind, even more valuable. “Snot otter” is the perfectly adorable term of endearment for the hellbender, a species of salamander that used to be common in streams in the eastern United States. The hellbender is to a regular salamander as Rush Limbaugh is to Johnny Depp, but we love them anyway. There is no higher use for snot otter ejaculate than the creation of more snot otters, and that is precisely what is being proposed. I’m certain I’m qualified. I love salamanders very much, even the rare massively ugly ones, and I think that would come across. And there are aspects of snot otter fondling that are very similar to activities I might have already perfected over the years, if I do say so myself. Snot otters are currently in steep decline, and it isn’t because they finally got a good look at each other. It’s no doubt due to something stupid we did, so I’d love to help. Maybe next time I’m back east I’ll check on craigslist for people who want their snot otters stroked. I’ll probably find some, too.
But my contribution to science is most likely to be in the field of fecal transplants. There is a need out there for good healthy shit, and I am really full of it. I’ve already updated my driver’s license to reflect my donor status, and in the event of a serious accident, collection should be a snap: I probably will have donated before impact. The transplant recipients are people with difficult infections, colitis, and other intractable intestinal woes. Evidently someone has discovered that if their intestines are scrubbed clean and re-injected with healthy crap, everything clears right up. I’d be tickled to give some of mine away. I can always make more. And TurboTax already has a calculator for charitable contributions to tell you what your shit is worth.
Snicker, snicker, guffaw. An interesting ambition. An even more interesting career choice 'tell me, what do you do? I am a shit donor'. Much mind boggling.
Highly amusing!!! I loved this! Not only that, it felt rather educational. I found out lots of interesting tidbits.
It rarely happens, but I am speechless. (With delight and awe. You ROCK!)
Hey sailor – stroke your snot otter?
And all those people who get soaked at Seaworld go home covered in Orca snot. Doncha love it?
Snot funny! Now you've done it, making me smile broadly before I even finished my tea.
Informative and hilarious. Nice combo.
"I probably will have donated before impact." Much chortling.
I never knew Rush could be so photogenic. I'm gonna have to rethink my initial revulsion to snot otters.
(BTW, best laugh of the week. I checked out a website that supposedly lists the funniest blogs on the internet. Murrmurrs kicks their asses.)
For many years, as a Histopathology Technician, I collected human snot and every other kind of excrement a human could produce, along with their organs. But, we won't go there… It was all in the name of science. I think I'll let anyone else that wants to collect anything, from any kind of body, even salamander, have at it. I'm all for staying home and blogging now. But, good luck to all!
Wonderful post. Anything for science. Do you have any links to the colitis et al treatment?
We have a Mexican food restaurant in town the does a damn good job of keeping my intestines scrubbed clean.
Holy shit, that is g-r-o-s-s! Be proud. 🙂
Oh ye of little faith. Of course I have links. Do you think I made this shit up?
You never fail to amaze me….You are brilliant, funny, and now, educational.
For heaven's sake….blog on! Ah loves 'ya.
Great post, but putting Rush in the same post with snot otters is an insult to snot otters.
You win the prize, Murr…this is the oddest thing I've ever read, and I read a lot!!! Poor salamander…being compared to R.L…geesh! It's not easy being green…
Giggling like crazy…
Thanks, Murr, for another laxative laugh. No news here, though, for those of us Gringos who've spent time in less sterile environments. Over 40 years ago, while in the Peace Corps in Cent'l America, I was wasted by dysentery, and nothing in the big town farmacias would touch it. Finally, the local curandera (i.e. herbalist/midwife)purged me with something local and really hard to swallow, and then insisted that I recuperate on a diet based on the local "cuajada" (raw milk fresh cheese). It worked, and I've been using a similar diet since then (the fresh, cultured milk products, not the hard-to-swallow stuff, which remains a proprietary secret).
Oh my. Where have you been all my life, Murr? (So very glad to have wandered onto your blog recently.) Please tell me you are writing a book.
I am writing a book. You have writ a book. We'll tawk.
Excellent. 'Cause I'm ready to buy it. You are my new BBFF (Best Blog Friend Forever), totally.
I think S.O. does a good Rush imitation. It's the mouth.
Murr, how in the world does one find your blog within the Blogger's Choice humor category? Ach!Hundreds of screens! I find neither a search function nor alphabet. I renominated you–they apparently combine nominations–but even it disappeared before I could vote.
"Shit doners…" Well, now I can die happy knowing I've definitely heard everything.
LOL! No, I knew for sure you didn't make it up. I had blogged about it too–even had a comment from someone whose sister was going to have that done. But not orally.
(I've forgotten how you told me to do that.)
I can't see this shit collecting thing being a long-term occupation, especially if there's any profit in it as once Washington passes wind over it there will be enough donations to fulfill the next century's requirement. Now squeezing sperm out of a salamander is another thing altogether.
I also love salamanders, although not enough to help them smile.
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P.S. I've been studying that snot-otter shot. What is wrong with the opening in the front of the handler's pants?
Am I reading too much in, d'you think?
(Wiping eyes happily, murmuring reassurances to frightened cats) I'm nuts about salamanders as well. And almost all other amphibians and reptiles, in fact. Love that picture of Johnny.