There’s a lot to be said for goldfish as pets. Sometimes they’re towing that long poop trail, but that’s just temporary. I was thinking about the merits of goldfish when we retired a fine upholstered chair that our cat Tater had loved to ribbons. When she began to apply the same affection to a new Arts & Crafts rug that we’d bought so recently that we still remembered the price tag, I began to look up solutions on the internet. “Cat murder alternatives,” I typed in.
You could type in something like “do earthworms sneeze” and expect a billion hits, but it turns out there are not many good alternatives to murdering a cat. One of them is rubbery claw covers. You glue them on your cat’s claws and instantly reduce their slashing ability and self-esteem. Also, they come in colors. What could go wrong?
They only last a few weeks, and the main brand was willing to relinquish a set of twenty for about thirty dollars. I could just reupholster my chair every six months for that kind of money. But I could get forty of them for a buck if I ordered them from China on eBay. I won’t even shop at Walmart because they’ve moved our entire economy to China, but I was willing to put a divot in my ethics when it came to rubber cat claws. I sent away for them. They arrived promptly, with a helpful instruction pamphlet, including a cutesy Chinese cat cartoon and the following advice:
Some dogs and cats will try to bite away the nail wraps after they are initially put on. Once it happens, immediately cry it down until they are used to the wraps. But please don’t worry, it is quite normal. Avoid direct contact between children and pets with the adhesive. Trimming of too short nails may let them blood. Once the nails blood, put on the nail wraps after bleeding is stanched. If the nail kits cats & dogs were swallowed, do not worry, most the circumstances were swallowed nail kits will be discharged as waste.
This was all very helpful, but didn’t go quite far enough. As a public service, I have expanded the Nail Caps Instruction Leaflet for the benefit of all:
Some cats will catapult a mayhem event on the application of the nail kits. Once this happens, do not worry. It is normal. Do make sure the crockery. In the circumstances of the too short crockery, simply engage a sweeping. It is recommended that the cat observation continue through the mayhem event. You may find it helpful to pillow the remaining crockery.
Remember: nail adhesive is strong and binds now. Be careful do not glue your fingers together. Once
it happens, intrude a grapefruit knife in the middle of fingers with care and apply gentle sawings. If it bloods, do not worry, that is quite normal. You will normally live.
To reduce incidents of slashings, it is recommended that a full set of nail wraps are installed in the cat before initially attempting to install nail wraps in the cat. Be careful to do never glue your fingers to cat. Once it happens, calm up the cat as agitations can be rippy. If the cat is strenuously going away, apply blanket to its head and cry it down. If no blanket somewhere, oh well. That is life! The situation will resolve itself within four weeks when new skin arrives. Some cats will try to bite away the fingers. Please don’t worry, blooding in the circumstance is quite normal. Continue to observe normally the cat and be alert to spurtings on your selves. If spurtings happen, immediately seek up help from the doctor.
Do not worry. Worry gives agitations to the system and can lead to discharges quickly of waste. Instead admire at the cat until the doctor arrives. Nice cat! Pretty cat.
Your cat seems remarkably calm. What's the secret, Valium? Come to think of it, Valium may indeed be the answer. Just keep the precious little thing doped up all day. No blooding, no muss, no fuss.
Tater is merely mute with horror. And it would be hard, most of the time, to tell a doped-up cat from a regular cat.
Perfect translation from the original 'language.' I had a 1977 Toyota Corolla many years ago. The radiator cap had a warning on it, "Keep cap close usually."
I Love It!
I can see why the Chinese just eat all the animals in their country instead of keeping them as pets. It's simpler.
"Catapult a mayhem event" is one of those neologisms that deserves much wider currency. It describes what a lot of humans are doing in Syria right now.
Why is it no one knows what cat tastes like?
Tastes like Kung Pao chicken. 🙂
Not Tater. She has no nuts.
Oh Murr, thank you for making me laugh until I cried this morning. First, I had no idea such products existed, second, I'm with you on avoiding bolstering the Chinese economy, except for the occasional weak moment on ebay, and finally, reading ridiculously incoherent instructions amuses me endlessly. Yours was wonderful.
I hope those things work, even though kitty does not look pleased!
You know, I think they ARE working, although we have to be vigilant about replacing the ones that fall off. I will say: one at a time works better than attempting to put on the whole set at once.
Very attractive. Tater looks good in red.
My cat prefers to scratch on real wood. In the 13 years we've had Cleo, she has managed to scratch completely through a (nominally) 1-inch thick side of a DIY bookcase and to reduce a couple 2×4 balusters on our home-built staircase to toothpick thickness. Fortunately, lumber is cheaper than upholstery.
Does your cat stand on its hind legs, nab salmon right out of the stream, make whuffing sounds, and sleep all winter?
Of course Tater rocks the red, she's a winter!
Just what my heart needed: hearty laughter, and this early in the day. Thank you.
"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine." –Proverbs 17:22
Nothing better than free medicine. It's my favorite, right after (and sometimes during) beer.
Still laughing! I like your choice of red. Goes nicely with the blooding.
Har! They come in many colors and I should probably get them all, but you're right–she looks so dang good in red it's hard to veer away.
I laughed til tears ran down my leg!
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
I laughed sooo much, my cat was sleeping beside me and I woke her up!
Ooooh, you do NOT want to do that. If there's one thing we do around here, it's let sleeping cats lie.
🙂 🙂 🙂
Possibly I am double-commenting. I don't know where the first one went. Anyway, I have seen those in the store and wondered if they work. You'll have to update us cat owners. And they do come in colors. I will pick turquoise if I do try them.
They were dicey to put on at first, but I'm starting to get the hang of it. Now I wait until Tater is real real sleepy and glue one up and slip it on before she comes to. The main problem is the glue. I have definitely glued my fingers together more than once. And you're really not sure they're going to come apart again.
I would venture that such a gorgeous crimson would not erode Tater's self-esteem but bolster it instead. Lookin' good!
Hilarious instructions. Have you ever thought of a post explaining how to pill a cat? (Maybe you did, and I missed it)
I've seen that done. But our pets (we've had three, over 34 years) have rarely needed medical intervention, and I haven't had the personal experience.
Be glad – very, very glad. For both reasons, of course.
This is brilliant! I'd begun to think I'd lost my sense of humor over this way-too-long winter but it spurted out when I read this. No blooding was observed.
Glue. Cat. What could go wrong?
You do have a way of distilling things.
This is the log, humorous! Ruth and I smile, you almost broke down our ribs. What is it tower, or will tap ad that "What?
(Translated from English to Chinese, and back to English ♥ The original text is: This blog post is so humorous! Ruth and I laughed uproariously, practically cracking our ribs. What is Tater's view on the subject, or "What Would Tater Think?")
Oh, I must do some translations and clawings-back of translations. I must do that tonight. Because I have nothing better to do than that. There IS nothing better to do than that.
We had those for my dear old cat not because she destroyed furniture but because she liked to knead (thus drawing blood) on our laps. I think the red looks quite cute until you find them lying around the house. The dismembered claws are not cool! Good luck!
Whoa! I've always been able to trim the claws successfully, which is easier. But maybe I've just never had that sharp a cat.
O M G – one of the funniest posts ever. Absolutely PRICELESS! And the photo of the 2 teddy bears (Pootie and??) looking at the shredded couch – tears to my eyes from laughter. God Bless Your Husband, Too!!! (Thank goodness I was not drinking or eating – made that mistake once while reading your posts!!!)
That is indeed Pootie, who I will remind you is a dog, and his best friend Hajerle, who is also a dog. They love when the cat gets in trouble.
I bought some of those to put on my cats, but have yet to build up the courage to don armor and attempt it.
That reminds me–I got some digital chain mail the other day. Stuff never dies.
Reminds me of the cartoon of the guy on a gurney being lifted into a helicopter. Man #1 says "what happened?" Man #2 says "he tried to give his cat a pill."
Giving of pills and application of Pretty Paws are both generally a two-person/1-cat operation, with the cat firmly swaddled tightly in a towel. That sometimes would work. Or not.
Your reinterpretation of the instructions are DEAD ON hilarious. I had to hop to the bathroom.
We really wanted to see if we could do it without involving a towel or a vise or waterboarding or anything, so as to make it easier the next time. It's sort of working.
I laughed it up until I cried it down. Again, you have words of brilliant sheen, Murr.
I have at least one more set of Asian instructions for something or other that I had hoped to make into a blog post one day. They cheer me up no end.
I'm now going to have to find reasons to use the phrase "catapult a mayhem event", even if it means creating said mayhem just for that purpose.
How else are you going to know how to use it properly?
I could tell you the quick and easy way to train cats, but the babies with fur people would chastise me severely.
Hey, my cat does roll over for dinner. Which makes her dumber than my previous cat, who would roll over if you asked and shake hands for dinner. Who was not quite as smart as it appeared, because it took us so long to break her of shaking with her left paw.
Now she'll just start to bite!
Start? You know how people refer to other people or critters as "oral?" She's dental. She expresses deep affection with her teeth. Fortunately, not REAL deep.
You may have missed your calling as a technical writer.
Kudos on your successful cat wrestling. I've resorted to large swaths of scotch tape on critical corners and edges.
Such as the ends of paws.
Once again I get about two paragraphs in before giggling like a maniac in a public library. Don't mind me, fellow patrons.
(I'll just read this at home,)
No, no, get back to the liberry. Giggling like a maniac is a perfectly acceptable method of getting your proper personal space.
Perhaps I should rethink my decision to get a cat.
Does your cat have a proper scratching post?
You can discourage furniture scratching by a quick spray in his face with a spray bottle of water, (no need to bring the hose inside).
She does have a scratching post that she uses. Just not exclusively. Yeah, the water pistol method of cat persuasion works well, but you kind of have to be following her around all the time. And it works best if she's a kitten and you can do it so it looks like it came from God, and not you, so she doesn't just misbehave when you're not around. It's a little beyond my abilities at this point.
I once had a pair of "made in ___" salt and pepper shakers with a charming label that read "Do Not Place In Dish Masher." Made sense to me!
Around here we have lots of things that one or the other of us can't think of the name of at any given moment, and for that reason we always call our garbage disposal the "dish grinder." Because that's what came out one time.
OMG. I laughed and laughed.
I keep a spray bottle of gin near the new couch at home. A quick squirt in my face and I care less and less about what the cats are capable of doing to it.
God, I love you, Pearl.
"rubbery claw covers. You glue them on your cat's claws and instantly reduce their slashing ability and self-esteem. Also, they come in colors."
I AM DYING LAUGHING over your entire re-write about the 'Do Not Worry, Quite Normal' possible side effects of those claw covers.
The claws come in colors. Also, the cats. Mine is basic black, as you can see.
I do hope you do not both plan to sleep at once. I see a cat bent on revenge. Hilarious post. Thanks for a belly laugh.
Think I may have missed some of the instructions because I couldn't read through the copious tears of mirth (Murrth). And then when I go back to try to read the bits I couldn't see the first time, the same thing happens again! Thank goodness I don't wear mascara…