I am about to impart to you some information that you have either never heard before, or you have, and it made you want to slice your ears off. Either way, I apologize.

You can, if you wish, buy your dog a silicone sex doll.

This isn’t breaking news; these things have been around for a while, though, were I you, I’d get a new one. One brand, of many, is the DoggieLoverDoll (by Petsmiling). The French version comes in noir and blanc and comes with a “cone de remplacement,” in case the original cone accumulates too much je ne sais quoi. They come in three sizes, and include an “easy to clean reservoir” and a tube of lubricant to “increase the useful life of the doll.” Or at least get it in the mood.

I have maintained for a while, as quietly as possible, that people are entirely too indulgent with their dogs, and I believe this constitutes mounting evidence. I don’t mind if people think of their dogs as their children. I just believe they have an obligation to civilize them. The dogs, too.

I had a puppy once who, thanks to rigorous training, was a model citizen. She was very happy because she had a clear understanding of the rules, and didn’t need to sit around wondering what to whine about next. Unlike most dogs I know now, whose owners refer to them as being trained because they almost always come when they’re called, if it happens to coincide with what they want to do, my dog came when I wanted her to. She lived a very full life because her sterling behavior meant she could come with us everywhere. This point no longer resonates with modern dog-owners, whose dogs come with them everywhere in spite of their behavior. Some of them are even carried, stashed inside purses amongst the Kleenex, and extracted only long enough to expel a pellet, like popping a Pez.

I digress.

The target market for the doll is the owner of a humping dog. Most people find this behavior embarrassing, especially in front of (or on) company. The idea is it would be somehow less embarrassing to have the dog wanking away at a sex doll in the corner of the room. Maybe. Some of your houseguests will find this amusing, although not the sober ones.

Expert advice abounds. “Leg humping is not a sexual behavior,” says one article, although it seems to me anytime Pinky comes out to play, you could make a pretty good case for it. What these experts are suggesting is that there are other, non-sexual, reasons to hump a leg. For instance, your dog could be anxious. In these cases, the experts say, you should attempt to relieve the dog’s anxiety. That doesn’t mean I want to watch you do it.

Another reason dogs hump is to determine pack order. This behavior must be nipped right in the old bud. You don’t want your dog to be the alpha male in the household, or you’ll never be able to get anything off the bottom shelf again.

There are several resources on line to help you with bud-nipping. One of these begins: “If your dog’s mounting isn’t bothersome to you or others, it’s not necessary to stop his behavior.” I assume if you don’t like it, you could always give him some pointers on technique.

This expert recommended a number of things. You could cope by “somehow adopting a position that prevents him from mounting,” such as, for instance, clinging to the chandelier, or shutting yourself in the broom closet. It’s a thought. You can also “give him a time-out,” making sure he does not have any of his toys with him, although many of these perpetrators have their favorite toys with them at all times.

Here are some other suggestions from experts on the web:

     (1) Yell “NO!” [Submitted by Nancy Reagan.]
     (2) Leave the room suddenly. [I think you can take your toys with you.]
     (3) Ask your vet to give your humping male dog an injection of female hormones “and see if that helps.” [Barbiturates work too.]
     (4) Neuter your dog and you’ll find the humping will slow down. [Perhaps you will take to it more.]

As my final piece of evidence that people have gotten way too indulgent with their dogs, I will quote the following comment on a vet’s advice column: “My male Jack Russell pushed my hand under his penis and started humping it. He did it for a very long time.” You all do what you want. I’m going to start wearing gloves in public.